"and a string of unholy curses flying from my lips."
Made me laugh out loud...lol
Before I get to my review I have just a couple of suggestions...minor stuff...
"So Mary brought me the cordless phone."
Just wanted to point out this incomplete sentence...but I think if you take out the word "so" it would work.
"He owned his own tire store and it had taken him a long time to build it up to what it was when Nanny passed away."
Just the first part of that sentence....saying he owned the store is enough...you're basically saying the same thing twice with "He owned his own"...and I realize this is a rough draft but wanted to point it out anyway...
"And my ankle looked like a football attached to my leg, it was so swollen."
Could probably rearrange this sentence so it flows a bit better...
Now onto the good stuff...as in your prologue, you paint a nice portrait of the story to come...you pull in your reader nicely in this first chapter, introducing a handsome stranger, making us wonder what is next!
I love your visualization of the sunset and in this prologue you set up am introduction that makes the reader (in this case me) want to read on...without really knowing what will take place in the story, your descriptive writing makes that unimportant...you provide a warm setting for your readers :)
I'll be honest and say that this did not really catch my interest to continue reading....the essence of the piece is not a mystery as you have described it in the title but your prose are confusing...of course, I never was an expert in poetry so you don't have to take my word for it of course...maybe just a little more clarification in places if that makes any sense to you...I might come back to it later and see if I can make any suggestions that make sense to you...lol
I get the sensation that you killed him at the end...am I right? lol...
WOW! So glad I decided to read this though I wish I wasn't trying to diet right now! lol...
I have no problems with the technical side of your piece though I suspect the writing itself took my attention away from any mistakes, if there were any...don't think there are any...
I love the sexual undertones of this piece...I'm not sure if it was intended but I read them in it nonetheless...
Your description of how the chocolate tasted was perfect, I especially loved the orange liquor filled one...and I think this was the moment when I sensed the underlying sexual metaphor...
Overall it was very satisfying...and now I have to go find something sweet to pop into my mouth...lol
Oh this is a good one....I've said it in other reviews on poetry but I'll say it again...I love the simplicity and emotion it invokes...this one actually reminds me of someone in my life so I have a personal reason to like it so much...
Yowza! Though I don't know much about trochaic octameter or any of the other technical forms of poetry (like to write it but not get technical), I certainly hope you won the contest for which this poem was intended...
When I read your work, especially this one, I feel as though an entire epic could be written around just a few short lines...
I think this is a wonderful way to get people involved in all aspects of the site...I'd like to give back a little of what I have received...hope the points are useful...
This was wonderful! I love how you take the reader through so many emotions in such a short period of time. Looking forward to reading more of your work...
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