This was an unusual topic, but you pulled it off by giving it human characteristics and a human social setting. I only saw a few things you might want to address: 1. You might want to capitalize "billy goat". 2. Mispelled "discusting"-should be "disgusting". 3. Put a comma after "Long,..." 4. Your story appears to be unfinished and that may be on purpose for now. It would certainly be interesting to see you expand the story, include some fishy friends, and give them human settings and characteristics. Keep on writing.
You said it was a descriptie essay and you do, indeed, have a vivid imagination. I saw just a few things you may wish to consider: 1. Capitalize all of your "i"s. 2. "algid" is mispelled. You may want to just rephrase it. 3. "My mind starts to wonder....."-- Fractured sentence. Just put in 3 separate sentences or put in a comma here and there. 4. "...hovering the water..."--Perhaps "hovering over the water". 5. "my haven might be interrupted"--perhaps "my haven has been interr." or "my haven is interrupted." 6. "The animals thick hair has reached a grayish hint to it."---Perhaps, rephrase this using "attained" or"tint" and maybe eliminate "...to it." 7. "sun light"--change to "sunlight". 8. "The darkness overcomes..."-- Put in a comma or make 2 sentences. 9. Your last sentence is a sentence fragment with no verb. Add a verb or rephrase. 10. OK, that's the piddly stuff, but nevertheless, it is important to the flow of your words. Use your spell checker at the top and read your story outloud to yourself to get a feel for the flow of your sentences. Do not be in a hurry. It is obvious you have the ability to feel what is around you and put it into words. Work on your writing mechanics and KEEP ON WRITING!!!
J. This was a very nice tribute to your Father. He was obviously a skilled craftsman, artist, friend and family man. Your tribute is, as your title suggest, "short" and to the point. You may have meant it to be this way. If you could expand your tribute, I would like to know how he acquired his skills as a builder and learn to be a sport fisherman who gave his catch to others. Did he learn this at a local lake, shore, or pond? Telling us where he and his family grew up and lived would give us insight into his general background. Is the Delaware Valley in Delaware or is it a region involving other states? Did he grow up near an ocean shore? It appears that he ended up building all over the Eastern Seaboard and Canada. If he owned a quarry, I bet he was good to his employees. Did you get to help him build anything or work along side him? I only mention these as points to elaborate upon should you one day expand your tribute into a full story about your Father and how his life affected others. He certainly gave you quite a legacy. Keep writing! Julian.
Nice story and well written. I believe you have some experience in writing. I found the following: 1. paragraph 4-"....and one specialist visit." I was somewhat confused by these last four words and how they related to the verb of the sentence. There needs to be a comma or reword the sentence. 2. Paragraph 4--eliminate the period after $80.and other dollar amounts as it tends to stop the reader in their tracks. 3. A sentence in paragraph 6 is a little confusing regarding the bandages and you washing them. Are bandages reused and the patient washes their own? or does the doctor provide new bandages each time?? 4. Paragraph 9, sentence 2, needs a comma after the word "with" or else the sentence tends to run together when read quickly. Very nice article. I had to be a little picky to find anything. I would like to see some of your writing in other genres. Keep it up. Julian.
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