Hello Sum1
Like I tell every poet I review, I know nothing of poetry, but I know when I'm reading something I like and this is one of those moments.
The message is clear here, nothing cryptic at all. Too bad it isn't fictional. I couldn't imagine what it must be like to wait for that kind of fortune. Things happen, though and I hope this person gets what he needs. An untimely death is the worse.
Hello babyb,
I admit I don't know much about poetry, but I have never seen anything like this before. It flows along nicely despite the grammar.
Good job!
Hello Casey,
What a fun story to read. No dark disturbed hidden message here, just good fun and a trip down memory lane for me.
I never got the connection of rabbit and eggs, although I love the chocolate covered marshmallow eggs. I have to thank the lunatic that created the Easter Bunny for that.
Your story is timely as well, with Easter coming this Sunday.
Hello Leeghwater,
I read your story this morning and I have to say that I like it! Dark, moody, and just a little disturbed. Good job there! I just wish it was longer.
There are a couple of technical problems I would like to help you out with.
For all the guys reading, it's not that hard.
You broke the fourth wall here. You do the writing and we will do the reading, unless that's going to be your signature style. If it is, use italics to distinguish your commentary. This sentence will also insult the women, and believe me, you don't want to do that.
A tight black dress wrapped tightly around her, which I got to unwrap.
This is a fragmented, awkward sentence. It should be linked to the previous sentence.
She was a little older, but she had this beautiful, sexy, little figure beneath a tightly wrapped black dress; that I got to unwrap.
'Okay, that's cool. I mean, yeah, that's cool,' I thought.
This should be in italics, because it is the narrator's inner thoughts. It's actually hard to tell, because you are using apostrophes ' instead of quotation " marks during conversation.
'Oh come on, you know you felt it too'. You have the period outside of the quote.
I hope I was helpful. This is a good story and the problems are easy to fix.
Keep writing, you only get better.
Hi Josh,
I was reading your sorry with interest, but what's with those weird A's? They are very distracting.
You must stay consistent with your abbreviations of the Alpine City Police Department.
If it's Alpine City Police Department, then the proper abbreviation is ACPD, but it's artistic license.
Otherwise this is a good story with good story telling and showing. Good Job!
Hello Hanna,
I usually don't review poems, because they are difficult for me to understand, but yours is straightforward and to the point.
I'm an old guy, but I don't care about it. In fact I'm having fun with it. I was pushed into retirement at sixty-one, so I was waving in the breeze for about a year before I could collect, but it's all good now.
Sorry you forgot your keys, but at least you have a son who was there for you. I live in Florida, but my kids live in New Jersey, so I have to make sure I always have my keys.
Look! We are all going to get old, even those annoying young people with those damn noisy cars and their big speakers, but we drove the old folks crazy when we were young; life has it's way of balancing things out.
Don't worry about that wrinkled face of yours, I'm sure you can still look pretty when you want to, it just might take a little longer that's all. Us old folks have to stick together and enjoy all of the moments we have left; I don't mean skateboarding or something crazy like that, just be cool and enjoy the legacy that we have left behind.
You're beautiful, and your kids think so too. You remember that.
Hello Midnight oil,
This is a terrific story, good tension and good story telling, but I had to stop halfway through because of all of the distractions.
It seems as though English is not your first language and thus would explain the technical problems.
Raymund saw a fire, something that he desperately need... In this example Raymund is cold and a fire would help, but you take the word "need" and use it without any tense at all. It can be used for example: Raymund saw a fire, something that he desperately needs (present tense). Or needed (also present tense). The difference between the two?
If he says he needs it, he is saying that he can't do without it.
If he says needed it, he is saying that he wants it but can live without it.
This example I just showed you is an application of context. Using words without context is like walking with your eyes closed. You are not sure where you are going.
"you got food old man?” the man in orange added. “No, I’m sorry, and thanks for letting me stay”, “Is all good, winter in the urban.
"you got food old man?" You can't start a sentence with a lowercase letter and you need a comma before you address someone within a sentence.
"You got food, old man?"
The next problem is simple enough. "You got food, old man?"
The man in orange asked a question, he didn't add anything to the conversation, thus the question mark.
"You got food, old man?" The man in orange asked.
English is a complicated language, but you have a pretty good grasp of things. You must go back and read through this story out loud to yourself and you will discover many small and large problems; but whatever you do, just keep writing.
I found this little gem while waiting for breakfast. I usually don't review poems, because they are mostly dark and morbid and quite frankly I don't know what they are trying to say because the message gets buried in all of the muck.
With that out the way, your poem goes right to the matter of hate. It sounds like you brush shoulders with it often, but refuse to give in to it which is not always easy to do.
No time for the haters. Hate merely takes away parts of us and puts it on display in the ugliest of fashions.
Good job,
Sebastian Di Mattia
Hello Tabitha,
I really enjoyed your story because it is a subject which I have experienced myself. Sometimes a stranger can sum up all of the confusion you may be dealing with and offer their view without ever asking for it. I like to think of them as messengers who brush against us for a moment, yet leave a lasting impression. Life really can beautiful at times, we just need someone to point it out to us.
Line five paragraph three: She were an oversized multi colored... Didn't you mean, she wore an oversized...
Using numbers is okay in the context of dates, but not in reference to a particular amount of something. 7 other people rattled around the 50 seat Greyhound.
Seven other people rattled around the fifty seat Greyhound.
When you use numeric symbols it makes the writer look lazy and clearly you are not lazy or you would have never written this nice story in the first place.
You don't need an apostrophe with the word lil.
Paragraph six and eight have techical problems with respect to the absence of capitalization within the dialogue. You must proof read this story and make it shine as it deserves to shine.
God luck and keep writing, you will only get better.
Hello Vamp Writer,
I like the opening to the story, it places the reader right in the center of the action, but them we crash right into a wall.
Second sentence bottom line: The contraction it'll sounds awkward here, just write it out. Moving on; Same line.
It is a minor thing that is easy to correct. First, you have to write out Okay, you can't use O.K. Okay? Then you start the next sentence withe word That. The usage is out of context in this situation. Break that sentence with a comma, and then you can slide that word right in there.
This story has a lot of potential, so go back over it and read it out loud to yourself and you will hear any problems that exist.
The story is good and with a little proofing, you can make it great!
Good luck, Vamp
Keep writing
Sebastian Di Mattia
Hello sg angel,
I like this story, It puts my imagination to work and takes me from my writing desk into a world that is completely alien to me and allows me to see it from the narrator's eyes.
There are a few technical issues that are minor in nature. For example:
Paragraph four, line five. No comma needed after stone slabs. Let it flow.
Same paragraph; no comma neede afte the word warmth.
If it's possible, read this story out loud to yourself and you will hear the unnecessary stops.
Keep writing, you will only get better.
Something happened at the beginning of your story, the title got mixed into the the first paragraph. You must fix that or else no one will read your wonderful story.
Cannot begin a sentence with the word then.
First line in paragraph five. Should not begin sentence with the word but.
Use commas instead of periods to break you sentences.
Read this story out loud to your self and you will hear the mistakes.
English language is complicated at times.
Hello J Thayne,
That was some dream! I love vivid dreams, I have them often and I like them, even if they hurt and I feel pain I still like them.
This is just my opinion, but I think the machine that self terminated was your caretaker and it determined that it was no longer needed and you no longer had to walk on the checkered path.
When you discovered the nest of machine that were still operating, I think you caretaker machine knew you would be fine from that pont on.
Now it's your turn to sit with a fashionist see what her image of love looks like to you.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Your story takes us on a tour of a city that most of us will never see and you touch on the heart of what make this city so special, good job there. You must however revisit this story and proof read it. There are some minor problems you must correct i.e. Janis Joplin's phantom voice wanders through the blue streets ans let's her spirit... ans?
The music of children's laughters?
Take your time and read it out loud to yourself. It's a great exercise.
Sebastian
This piece is well written, but I have some concerns. Why did you hyphenate the word dream? You spoke of the most perfect embodiment that is now a tainted memory. I had t read it a couple of times to catch on, but I'm still not sure if I'm right.
I'm thinking they are a married couple who has lost a child and blame each other. The memory is too painful so they choose to erase her from their existence, but deep down they know they can't.
I'm left wondering if they are strong enough to survive?
Tragic story to be sure. Good job of letting us fill in the blanks.
Sebastian
Hello Pumpkin,
I was intriqued by the title of the story, since I too was a product of the sixties. That is where we part ways. You were in a place that was invisible to people like me and the people I grew up with. Our neighborhoods were divided up by Parishes and ethnic backrounds. I grew up in an Italian neighborhood and thus governed by the Catholic Church. Either way it was nice of you to allow me to stroll through your past and learn a little bit of a world which I never knew existed,
That what makes life beautiful, if you open your eyes and your heart, you can learn something new everyday.
Sebastian
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