I really enjoyed this. Written as a screen play it was easy to visualize it being enacted on stage. The powerful emotions it contained were enough to bring tears to my eyes, as well as make me laugh out loud. With only two characters we're never really allowed to get to know the girl through anyone else's eyes-but her best friend finds his way into our hearts as she tells us about him. How much she loves him, how much he means to her and how she regrets things left unsaid... even though he already knew.
I particularly like how the emotions carried the piece. Although that is difficult to do with only two characters and limited props and scenery the emotion is really all that's left. The hints at what was going on in the characters lives, without coming out and saying exactly what was transpiring, fit well with the whole picture. Allowing the reader to come to their own conclusions-no matter how well led they are to those conclusions-and bringing them into the story in a very personal way.
An incredibly touching love story. I enjoyed how well you described your characters. The beauty of the Dragon/Star was extraordinary, and the image of him with the fire spirit is one I will have in my mind for a long time.
Though the concept of a slave being set free out of a sense of friendship or love is not a new one-I enjoy how it is presented here. For Arigder is not a slave, but a possession. It seems, for awhile, as though he views himself as a possession as well. The turbulence of his emotions shows this most clearly, and it's sad that one could feel such anger because of things that were done to him.
I would recommend that you give this a read-through for minor spelling mistakes, such as missing letters or apostrophes.
I would love to see you expand this. So many questions are on my mind about Alanon, the kind of person that he really is, what he does and why. I'm also curious about the world he lives in. Hey-who wouldn't be curious about a world with magic carpets? Where can I get one?
I like how you drop hints that this is not the world that we live in. I enjoy going into a story where the world is revealed to me throughout the story.
The talisman was a nice trick. Devil is your stereotypical ass of a horse, but for some reason those are the ones that I always grow to love.
I'm curious as to why Alanon reacted the way he did when Hunter shortened his name. Although there are people who don't like having their names shortened the vehemence of his response made me wonder about the significance. I'm also curious about Hunter's father and the relationship that he has with Alanon.
Lots of questions, and I do see potential here. It immediately grabbed my attention and held it. Babies crying in the background while I raced through it, caught up in every word.
A powerful telling of the creation myth. I enjoyed Eve. As she is so often portrayed negatively it was refreshing to see her painted in a much more innocent picture. That of a young woman who is unsure about... everything. Her innocence endeared her to me. Having Adam's role in this tale be more supportive was also quite refreshing.
The physical description of the Creature, and the concept behind it was great. The idea of being rewarded for guarding the tree is a nice one. I also enjoyed his motives behind tempting Eve to eat the fruit. The altruistic nature of it, coupled with the patience that would be required for such a plan to work speaks much of his character. The final conversation between Creature and Creator made me stop and ask myself, Just who is in the right here?
I must say that I hope you do continue with this. It has a sort of Gunslinger feel, that is subtle and pleasant.
I'm intrigued by Cort and Gaius, as well as the meaning of the title Dragoon. The hints about the two of them; their connection, history, even their physical resemblance-do nothing but heighten my curiosity. I'm already finding myself liking Cort. His stoic expressions and seemingly impenetrable personality... the hinting at his weakness.
I enjoy the world you've created here, getting to know it and seeing signs of fantasy with perhaps a technological twist worked in somewhere. It works well, and is nicely presented.
Thank you for sharing your work!
I would love to read more of this when you post it.
Intriguing concept. I like the characters, they have a surreal quality that definitely gets my attention.
I would like to know how much time passes between the gift of the key and the events at the end of the story. I think that knowing how much time had passed would give the ending a bit more power. Also, there were two misspelled words in the final sentence.
Overall I enjoyed the way the characters interacted, without really interacting. As we're being told about past events we never experience the two of them together. The lack of dialog puts a certain mystique upon the male character and all I really ended up with were vague images and intense emotions.
Fully captures the way that so many of us view our relationships, romantic or otherwise. The love and hate we feel for the people who mean so much to us, so contradictory in nature, yet understood by us all. The simple language of this lacks no eloquence, but clearly states-in a way that so many of us think, the feelings of the author.
I can see why this won the award-icon-it is good for a hearty chuckle!
The accents of Wallace, his brother, and the other characters were well transalted to the written word. It made it easy to see them, and their environment.
The conversation between the brothers was priceless. The hope of one, and the logic of the other balanced each other nicely and I couldn't help but find myself caught up in Wallace's enthusiasm.
This was highly enjoyable, and unique. Not only could it be laden with meaning technologically speaking, but also in regards to our own lives. Getting older, becoming obsolete, stubbornness and even the example of a strike and the effects of it on the families of the employees.
Oh poor Rupert! That nervousness of meeting someone in the flesh for the first time, after having gotten to know them online/over the phone is well captured here. I loved how he talked to himself in the mirror, getting up the courage to leave the car and go knock on the door. When his princess caught him chickening out I had a moment of hope at her seeming happiness, but the little twist at the end there was quite a blow!
The idea behind the story is fantastic, the Freegate technology is something that many probably would take advantage of-instantaneous travel across the world? But then, many would also be wary of such a thing. I know that I wouldn't want to do it!
What our narrator goes through, the waking dreams and monsters that torment him... only to truly awaken to see himself standing before him. It brings many questions to the readers mind as well as to his. Questions about the soul, and the cost of such technology.
The fear is palpable int the second half of the story-a stark contrast to the pride and joyfulness of the first half and nicely portrayed.
The only thing I noticed is the spelling of "soul". As there are two definitions, each one just had to have its own spelling. Selfish little words! The soul of which you speak in this story is S-O-U-L.
Fantastic montage of stories. Each one depicting a different aspect of war, each one calling forth different emotions. Elation, sorrow, anger...
I'm a huge fan of "war stories". I've always loved the movies, the books... Reading about the men and women who have fought and died for the freedom of others just reminds me of how precious that freedom really is.
I particularly enjoyed the story about the young mother working in the factory to support the war effort. An excellent story well worth its place with the rest, and the outlook of those women is often overlooked. Kudos.
Thank you for putting this together and sharing it with the rest of us!
A lovely story! The flashbacks of Angel's youth were well presented and didn't detract from the "present-telling". Weaving them together so seamlessly, I was almost upset at the interruption of the phone ringing-despite the good news Angel received from her daughter. It reminded me of all those times I myself am lost in memory! I enjoyed the use of the geese in the story, the analogies of love and life were great!
Although its been over a year since you've updated this particular piece-yes! I would love to see more to the story!
Thank you for sharing your work!
I've had fun raiding your port!
I loved the Chrittenwald! He was a fascinating creature and a wonderful little creation! His personality was slightly less than loveable, but such a companion as he would be welcome on any long and dangerous journey! His complete disdain at being wet was fantastic-great for a giggle that little guy is!
Selim took a while to win my praise. His dunderheadedness left me wondering why on earth such an intelligent creature as the Chrittenwald would associate with him at all-let alone go out to sea with him! However, when they met Michiela on her island, and heard her story of the Unwept Sea, then Selim's true colors showed. That was when I began to like him!
Perfect to be read at any time of year, to remind us of those little things that our partners do for us out of love. I loved the lasagna bit, it cracked me up-and I'm glad that it stayed in the back of the pantry! The understanding between partners, the moments of near mind-reading, all was well presented and-with the piece being written in the first-person-it was easy to relate to. I particularly enjoyed the candid nature of the piece. Warning the reader that a cliche was coming and the narrator even laughing at herself a time or two. Nicely done!
A very tender story, that brought a tear to my eye as well as memories of the letters I would write to my great-grandmother when I was Kira's age.
I enjoyed how well you were able to share the scene and mood of the story in the format you chose. Sometimes it's hard to get certain things across when writing things from the perspective of a child-keeping in mind their own level of understanding. But I felt you did very well. Not only was her love of her grandmother, and excitement about her island palpable, that the underlying fear that something beyond her understanding was happening was definitely there-at least for me!
The deeper meaning of the story was wonderful. Working toward a goal with such ferocity, not letting any setback bring you down or deter you. Well presented and inspirational!
Nicely done. So perfectly capturing the images of the moment. The tone was set so well, with the dismissing of the reluctant staff, and Maggie's determination to reach the attic. With each detail lovingly presented to the reader, methodically and in its proper place within the story none of the emotion is lost.
The sorrow of loss, the loss of ones carefree youth, the loss of love. Even the joyful triumph of reaching the attic to find her prize intact was well rendered.
Nicely done, great flow and meter. I loved how the words poured off the page.
The thought of the South rising again brings a multitude of emotions and what-ifs? to the mind. Some good, and some bad. The beauty, as well as the ugly, that was the South is wonderfully portrayed.
Nicely done! I like a good western and the strong female characters in that genre are, at times, a little tough to find. I enjoyed Keely, spending the story in her mind and getting to know her personality-all spit and fire! She immediately got my attention, and I liked her.
I enjoy the open-ended nature of the story. A solution to a problem being presented in such a straightforward fashion, yet not being told how things work out. It does leave room for more stories!
The anticipation was well built. The child's sense of not being able to wait was captured well. I particularly liked mom's behavior towards her daughter-not because of how she treated Mildred mind you! I felt that you perfectly captured the mother who does not care, as well as the feeling of expected disappointment experienced by Mildred.
I enjoyed the time getting to know Sasha. A normal woman with normal problems, expectations she puts upon herself and an image that she feels she must maintain. Trying to be happy, and perhaps succeeding to a certain degree.
The normalcy of the circumstances brings this piece home more than Sasha. Waiting in the parking lot of a grocery store for the bag boy to catch up, a situation many of us have been in a time or two.
I really enjoyed Mark's character. I did feel that him referring to Stephen as his "best friend" at the end was a little premature though. His abrasive personality, the lack of much back story on him make this too much of a jump. Spending more time with Stephen getting to know Mark would make that emotional moment more meaningful and believable. Allow the reader to watch their relationship grow.
I enjoyed the tension of the final scene as well. My anticipation was killing me, wondering what they were going to discover. I enjoyed the descriptions-easily pictured and nicely done. Horrendous little beasties!
I would recommend giving this a read-through for repetitive words as well as flow. A few of the sentences felt awkward but not enough to detract from the story.
The subtleness of this poem is great. Not telling the reader the cause of pain directly, but allowing the emotions and circumstances paint the picture for them. The final stanza, and the hope that it contains is uplifting and a fitting end for the story within. It really brings home the message of courage and the meaning of bravery.
It may be a good idea to use Edit Points with this piece to help us reviewers point things out to you.
First of all, read the completed portions out loud. I noticed word repetition as well as just plain awkward sentences. Nothing too drastic, just minor things that-when fixed-will improve your readability.
Give us more about the disease. More detailed and personal stories about what it does as it rampages across the land. Even a few lines here and there... The child starving because his parents died, the little girl sold to buy medicine for her father... things like that.
The description of the first family is great. It gives enough detail here to let us know that you've ptu a lot of thought into it and the promise of more detail to come is great. I would love to know more about this family feud-how it started, when-where-why? Perhaps a prologue? Or even telling it throughout the story in the form of flashbacks... Either could be effective.
Fourth War and Fifth War are both mentioned. Give some history on the world-the wars that have been fought and why. How long ago? How long did they last? What were the effects on land and people? Do these wars have anything to do with the family feud? (I feel like I'm talking about the game-show on T.V. )
With the second family... I enjoy the concept of them being the underdog, and the "good-guys". Of course, that could be a wrong-impression on my part, which has been known to happen from time to time. I would recommend going into more detail in regards to the second families religious/spiritual beliefs. Explaining the religion that they hold to, why they hold to it with such steadfastness, etc...
Why won't the Cretans use woman warriors?
As you work on this I invite you to check out my personal review forum...
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Thank you for sharing your work!
Noe
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The understanding between partners, the moments of near mind-reading, all was well presented and-with the piece being written in the first-person-it was easy to relate to. I particularly enjoyed the candid nature of the piece. Warning the reader that a cliche was coming and the narrator even laughing at herself a time or two. Nicely done!