For some reason I imagine this as a skipping rhyme. If I had to find fault I would have liked to have some description of Thump... but you can't add one, that would ruin the theme and rhythm of the piece. I really liked this and I'm going to make dinner now and If I find myself chanting about thump, it's your fault.
I hate to say it, but if mankind wasn’t on this planet, it truly would be a paradise. ... steady on, he'll point his finger and we'll all be zapped.
If not, that’s fine,... I tell you, we're going to get zapped.
Some considered words and ideas, but I fear they will fall on deaf ears. Power, greed and jealousy are the fuels that drive us. This one is a little bit preachy for my personal taste, but it's well presented and does raise many valid points that we should all take note of before it's too late. I never found a single fault or typo.
Not a single thing to crit in this one. Well written and all good. I wonder if they ever did have that conversation? I remember my old man telling me that it was a natural phenomenon and for years I believed him. Duh!
As a side note, I'm a big Koontz fan, too. Love his humour and characterisation.
You're probably going to have to ignore a lot of my review because of the great pond divide for instance here...Since none of us had ever gone out there... we would write since none of us had ever been out there.... so anything that doesn't transpose because of the Brit/ American thing, just ignore, as indeed anything else you don't agree with.
Terry wasn’t just the leader, so to speak, but a risk taker and general butthead, ... I don't think you need the so to speak here, it weakens it.
Barbara, being the ditzy teenybopper that she was, decided to take up him up on it.... Good God, is she mad!
Somebody’s going to have back and tell the cops where the bodies are.”... to go back
give into peer pressure.. in to ... into is to go inside something
But the best part was that none of us got sick or died that day.... by some miracle.
“She’s laying eggs!”... brilliant.
“Hey, why hasn’t something to you?... happened
But the next morning was a little different.... you don't need this.
I once again woke up before sunrise and walked out on my front porch... or the once again in this.
This is a really fun story. I can imagine it going down well read aloud in the story-telling tent at music or lit festivals. Really made me grin. Well written and while being completely unbelievable, you bring a kind of down to earth reality to it. The characters work well together and the dialogue is sound. Love the image of the lass laying her eggs. Nice one.
This gives some great information. Though I tend to get number 2 the other way round. Because I review while reading, and most of the things you notice first up are things that you would do differently, most of my initial comments are typos or structural comments. Then I give an overall impression at the end.
I think the problem is not guiding people on how to review... but getting them to do it in the first place.
I've only just joined this site, as you know, but on other sites it annoys me that you always have a steady core of comments from the same fair people, while the vast majority just post and wait for the praise to come rolling in.
I always try to read and comment on at least twice as many as I post.
Another thing that I've seen many times is people saying that they don't have the confidence to comment on somebody else's work... funny, they all seem to manage the bit where they get to post their own stuff. It's one of my pet nits.
I agree with pretty much everything that you've said. I always look for the positives and I always try to say something that is helpful to the writer, but sometimes there just isn't anything that I can add, but I still think it's important to comment on everything that I've read, we all want feedback so sometimes I'll just say thanks for the read and pretty much leave it at that.
Jasmine continued ... we've got a lot of word reps on the word continued.
Still though, when one is traveling alone without provisions or money, one doesn’t turn one’s nose up at any edible miracles the Author might Write one’s way... I'm not sure about this sentence for two reasons. One, the the use of the word 'One' does anybody ever really talk like that? This one would certainly never use one to describe herself. This is purely a personal thing, it always sounds odd to me and very upper class. Secondly I know it's cute and it did make me smile, but do you really want such direct author intrusion in your work? Is the author actually going to be a developed character? If not, cute as it is, I'd be tempted to lose it.
Once they did they grew quieter and began scanning the surrounding woods for anyone else.... I'm guessing that they really don't want to be messing with her. From the little you've written, I'm guessing that she can handle herself.
missed the Prince’s cradle and blessed me by mistake.”... lovely.
Sadly, I doubt you'll get anywhere near the reads that this deserves because of the length of the chapter. I'm new here but have been on several other writing sites and novels have a devil of a job getting read because people on the whole don't want to invest the time. This is a long chapter to take on from a computer screen in one hit.
However it held me from beginning to end. The characters are great, the dialogue tight and believable and the story carries itself along at a good pace. I really enjoyed it and will look out for the next chapter. I've pointed out a couple of little things that I noticed above, but nothing that detracts from a very good read
that he wouldn’t need an attorney... I think this is unnecessary as it's been explained above.
Detective Osborn could see the emotions on Kevin’s face as he struggled with his feelings.... again, we already know that he's shown his emotions and we have a lot of word reps of emotions over these few sentences.
and understood little of the experiments being conducted there.... A little?
I really enjoyed this. A cracking story, well told. The characters and dialogue are believable. If you ever came to expand it, I think you could make more of Kevin's mounting panic and desperation to make Osborne believe him. It works well as it is but Osborn does come round very quickly. The last line says it all.
This is the first thing that I've read on the site and I look forward to reading more of you.
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