I think this is a very nice idea for a children's story. It carries a wonderful message of friendship and trust. However, written as you have it, it seems more like an essay. In a story, you need to have much more action and dialouge and less description of the action. However, with just a few changes, I think this makes a wonderful essay. I have listed a few minor things below:
"He had always shook his head shyly. No." This is a grammer issue (no biggie, really); eliminate had. I don't think you need the "No", it's redundant.
"He really liked Stephen who was almost a whole year older and very popular in their nursery school class" If Stephen is a year older, are they really in the same class?
"His Mom, you see, was ill in the hospital, and he was not sure what was happening. He had so many ..."
In a short story, this would be better shown instead of told. You might make the story longer and add dialouge and action to show this information.
"He closed the door to give him some privacy" I think you should identify your pronouns, here.
"And, it taught him to .believe him himself and in others" I think this is a typo. Do you mean to say, ... it taught him to believe in himself...?
Aren't we mothers heroes! I'm glad it all turned out well. My sister's first was very similar.
A word about the story; if you write in the present tense you create a sense of urgency, and since this is a story which suggests urgency, present tense would make it that much stronger.
In your 6th paragraph you write "It was now 9:30. I had been given medicine to induce my labor about 45 minutes ago." You mixed up two different tenses, past and present. Stick to one tense, preferably present, and you'll find that your writing is much smoother.
Are you going to have another child? Experience tells the second is world's easier than the first. I have 5 children and the first was back labor for hours on end. I fell asleep through during labor with my second.
I think you've written an interesting story. I like the way you capture the crowd reactions - very typical for how a crowd might react to this supernatural event. I made a couple of suggestions you can heed or not:
""Order in the court!" the bailiff cried out." I love this opening line, it really pulls the reader in.
"They wanted to know what would happen." I think this line is unnecessary and hindering.
"He stole a few looks at his mother, who saw on the first row, crying." This line is a little confusing. Is the mother crying in the first row?
"Pandemonium broke out.They began to whisper among themselves again." If there was pandemonium, the crowd would be doing more than whispering.
"It's Mary you should be locking up." Andrew was sentenced to hang.
"maybe you'd be quiet", this sounds a little awkward, maybe he could simply say, "quiet, please"
I think you are right about it being a poem. The language and rhythym make certain that this is not simply prose, but poetry. I can't find any misspellings or grammar issues and I love the feel of the piece. I love Poe and I think you do a nice job of writing in his style. Very nicely done!
-kath
Star,
I really think you have a good idea for a great little thriller here. There are some sspots that could use a little brushing up, however. I'd like to suggest that you read your story aloud to yourself, objectively, and you will be able to hear the awkward spots. I made just a couple of suggestions here:
"though it was on the quietest street ever made so they didn't make much good business", this seems a little awkward. Maybe something like "the store, although first rate, did not get a lot of custsomers due to its lonely location."
"Sharon's skin got goose bumps." I think you should add something more here. Why would Sharon get gooses bumps just because a man turned toward a jewelry store? Perhaps you could say something like "Sharon got a queer feeling about the man as he hovered by the entrance of the closed jewelry store."
"the robber started to take notice to this and started shooting wildly." Again, a little awkward. Maybe something like "the robber panicked and fired wildly into the crowd."
"Abruptly, she ran towards the criminal. Her long, blonde hair was flying. Her green eyes were filled with confusion and fear." I really like the description here!
Good luck with this one!
-kath
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