Hello, Debbie! Thank you so much for dropping by my review studio! I hope you find my review as helpful as I found your story enjoyable! It was a pretty good piece, emotionally driven, with strong images and colorful descriptions. I’ll start the review with a basic commentary—how was the introduction, were the characters believable, and so on. Then I’ll move on to the editing, and sum it up at the end with suggestions and an overall take on the story, and finally your rating.
The Commentary
 Does the beginning capture me, does it make me want to read on?
The beginning was a little misleading. She asks some “dude” for a light, and for all intents and purposes, it appears that she is talking to the wall. In fact, I held the impression that she was alone in a room talking to a machine until you later say that there were four other strangers in the room. Try giving a clearer picture of the setting here so that readers aren’t so easily confused. 3.5 out of 5
Does it stir any emotions in me?
As I said, this is an emotionally driven piece, detailing a difficult relationship with a politician-father and the absence of a mother, and the struggle of a young woman to find her place in the world. The father was appropriately disappointed in life, the mother flighty, and the daughter bitter and jaded. Good work! 4.5
Does it read and flow well?
The story read pretty well, though I think there were some parts that were a little unnecessary that broke up the flow. I detail that later in the editing section where you can see what I mean. 4.0
How do I feel about the characters – are they believable? Can I relate to them?
The characters are all very believable! The main character seems easy to relate to. I’m sure there are many fathers out there like the one in your story, as well as many mothers. This aspect of the story was excellently done. 5.0
What do I think of the ending?
I loved it! It was a great way to end the story, fitting the build-up nicely, as well as the point of the slip of paper from the fortune telling machine. I felt very satisfied at the end of this piece, so you must’ve done a great job! 5.0
On to the Editing!
First of all, you need to capitalize “skirts” in your title.
“Ya got a light, dude?” she looked up surprisingly into a dark blank expression of a concrete wall
Capitalize “she” and change “surprisingly” into “surprised”. There’s nothing to indicate that she would be surprisingly looking at something; I believe the correct word is surprised. The restructured sentence should read as follows: She looked up, surprised, into a dark, blank expression of a concrete wall dimly lit only by an orange flicker of joyful dancing flame.
Perhaps sometimes in life, we gain dependence from beings we least expect. In certain time, from things we least expect.
I think you mean to say “dependence on” instead of “dependence from”.
Growing up for her was not easy, easy was never the word to grasp, not in her life, at least.
This sentence is pretty jumbled, several statements all wound up into one string of words. Try rephrasing. “Growing up for her was not easy; easy was a word not easy to grasp. Not in her life, at least.”
Her father, a down trodden political figure who was always more interested in protecting his own standing arse and her mother, who was so absorbed in her meditation classes that one day she ran away with the class facilitator.
This is actually an incomplete statement, and a rather lengthy one. What are you trying to say about her mother and father? You give a lot of information about them but not their action. You’ll see what I mean when you read the following rewrite: “Her father was a down trodden political figure who was always more interested in protecting his own standing arse. And there was her mother, who was so absorbed in her meditation classes that one day she ran away with the class facilitator.”
The news didn’t made headlines though, considering how unpopular a political activist her father was.
What news? That her mother ran away? Specify here. Try saying, “The news of the divorce” or “The news of the affair” would clarify that.
She had always wanted to attend classes but somehow or rather she would never make it.
I think you mean to say, “somehow or other”. Rather isn’t the correct word here.
It was a big upset to consistently have distasteful pretentious people walking in and out of the house; much less preventing her from a proper school life.
I think you should turn the semi-colon here into a comma. Also, “much less” indicates that you referred to an amount pertaining to “less” to begin with; for example, if you had said, “She didn’t enjoy consistently…etc”, because then you could indicate that she enjoyed even less how it prevented her from having a proper school life. As the sentence stands, it technically means that it caused less of an upset in preventing her from a proper school life. Rephrase, or try the following: “It was a big upset to consistently have distasteful, pretentious people walking in and out of the house, not to mention preventing her from a proper school life.”
It was a bit hard to clear the air especially to the education department that a political figure’s daughter had been skipping school often with no real digestible reason.
This sentence’s meaning is very unclear. Try rephrasing.
He just didn’t care nor acknowledge her presence after his career plopped down the wrong lane.
Add “did he” between “nor” and “acknowledge” to complete the statement.
None to naïve to realize her exceptionally hormone-inducing attractive figure is a prowess tool that could be manipulated for her own benefit, she occasionally fishes favors from the all too willing men who hastily laps up to her desires.
It should be “None too”, with “to” being changed to “too”, since “too” means “also” or “very”. Also, you forget which time sense you’re using (referring to past, present, or future tense). Make sure you pay attention to this, as I’ve already noticed several places in the story where this error is made, though I think they can remain as they are. Restructure this sentence: ”None too naïve to realize her exceptionally hormone-inducing figure was a prowess tool that could be used to her benefit, she occasionally fished favors from the willing men who hastily lapped up her desires.”
Go through your entire story and look for the “was” and “is”. Make sure everything follows your original past-tense format.
Middle-aged men, who have lost the panting for their wives, happily turn at the sight of a meek willing young sexy thing that seems like a glimpse of hope fore them to revive their diminishing appetite.
Rephrase. You forget to use past-tense again, and the sentence runs far longer than necessary. Pretty words are nice, but not at the expense of the reader’s attention span. Bear in mind while writing a short story that the people reading this are looking for a short story. They want the story told fast and to the point, without mincing words. Go through and you’re your piece, making sure that every word in necessary. Read the sentences to yourself and leave out words to find out if they are really needed or not. If the sentence works without the extra descriptions, take it out. Of course, you don’t want to leave the story completely without description, just don’t get carried away.
Middle-aged men, who had lost the panting for their wives, happily turned at the sight of a meek and willing young, sexy thing, a wetting of a long-forgotten appetite.”
And everything else that betake your fortune.
This statement reads very awkwardly. Consider rephrasing.
Huge and intimidating, it was decorated according to an Oriental-themed, although anyone could easily have dismissed it as a cheapo gimmick to cheat passer-bys of their dispensable one dollar.
It should be “Oriental theme” with no hyphen, and without the d. If you had said, “It was Oriental-themed,” it would work.
The marketing department was pretty efficient though, a dollar of an average of 78 hits a day
Change the comma to a semi-colon.
She stared mindlessly at the machine for a while thinking about the countless times she had passed it witnessing some superstitious individuals obligingly scrutinizing every word printed on the fortune sheet to some young schoolboys chuckling away at sheets that say, ‘you will find true love today’.
This is a very long sentence. Definitely rephrase this one. It contains a lot of excellent descriptions, and you get a very clear picture of the scene, so just break up what’s said. “She stared mindlessly at the machine for a while, thinking about the countless times she had passed it. She had witnessed everything from some superstitious individuals obligingly scrutinizing every word printed on the fortune sheet to young schoolboys chuckling away at sheets that say, “You will find true love today.”
The machine itself had withheld a timeframe longer than she had worked in the room, or was it a hall, she wondered.
Use a little writing.ml here. You can find the directs for writing.ml in a link directly above the body of your item in the item-making form (the page you use to edit or create your item). To italicize something, use {i} to make it italics and {/i} to close the tag (so that it doesn’t turn everything into italics).
To make this clearer, try italicizing the part that she’s thinking: “The machine itself had withheld a timeframe longer than she had worked in the room—or was it a hall? she wondered.”
like cold water on a winter night, it was a brothel.
Change the comma into a semi-colon.
The awfully garish bright neon signboard, the red dim Phillip bulbs which boasts a lifespan of 10000 hours, the pleasant geisha looking door girl sitting at the makeshift reception of a plastic chair and table, the dodgy looking couch for customers to await impatiently their turn alongside the fortune machine makes the world that she had unwillingly succumbed into after being revealed the appalling truth of the man who claimed to have loved her.
As far as I can tell, this is all one sentence. Try not to get carried away with these. They’re great as a style technique, but after a while, your reader’s attention span will snap. Try again.
The clues were all there: the awful, garish neon signboard, the red dim Phillip bulbs which boasted a lifespan of ten thousand hours. The pleasant geisha-like door girl who sat at the makeshift reception desk, the dodgy-looking couch for customers to await their turn alongside the fortune machine. All made the world to which she unwillingly succumbed after discovering the appalling truth of the man who claimed to love her.
Frankly, it was just human nature to reach out and leave and imprint on objects that they closely encounter; like how some idiots scribble on bathroom walls while taking a dump.
Great imagery here! People do seem to have that habit, don’t they? For this sentence, change “to reach out and leave and imprint” to “to reach out and leave an imprint”. Also, change the semi-colon to a comma.
As expected it is at a brothel, scribbles of such, laden with profane sense can only be duly understood and comprehended.
This is a strange sentence. I can’t decide if it’s necessary or not. The strangeness comes from the fact that it’s in present tense. Try saying, “As expected, it is only at a brothel that scribbles of such, laden with profane sense, can be duly understood and comprehended.”
Over time, the machine has seen perhaps a one too many four letter words and a tad too much of female anatomy descriptions.
You mess up your past tense again. “Over time, the machine had seen perhaps one too many four letter words and a tad too many descriptions of the female anatomy.”
Several seconds later, a fortune sheet dropped into the outer panel and the machined shuts off abruptly as if the one dollar worth of entertainment had just reached its time limit.
Change “machined shuts” to “machine shut”.
Unsuspectingly, she unrolled the paper to reveal,
Try rephrasing this. “Not knowing what to expect” would work a little more clearly. “Unsuspectingly” hints that she doesn’t suspect anything, but this girl seems far from unsuspecting.
Her eyes remained transfixed at the sheet for a considerably long period before she heard her name being called out rudely; awakening her fascination of the phrase.
Change the semi-colon to a comma.
She cringed and paused for a moment ignoring the door girl
Place a comma after “moment” and before “ignoring”.
Happiness, she thought, have I ever feel that way before?
Try the italics here as well. It clarifies when she is thinking and looks a little more professional. Also, keep an eye on your past-tense. Happiness, she thought, have I ever felt that way before?
This was just plain non-verbal signals that she had learned to be extremely familiar with.
Again, this jumps around with past and present-tense. Try saying, “It was just” instead of “This was just”. “It was just an example of the non-verbal signals she with which she had become extremely familiar.”
His slight crooked nose; the one that resembled her so much; the same one that she had last seen many years ago.
Say “hers” instead of her, as a nose wouldn’t resemble the girl, but her nose.
He gave a long huge sigh. A long, exhausted and longing sigh.
”Long huge” is kind of an odd pairing of words, since they both have too similar a meaning. It’s a little redundant, so take out that part and just asy, “He gave a long, exhausted, and longing sigh.”
Ubiquitously, she could never make out the tons of problems that her father could be facing, but at least, he had took her shoulder for comfort.
Replace “took” with “taken”
Suggestions
I’m not sure the scene about the man in the boutique and the skirt needed to be so lengthy. Try making it run a little quicker, with a brief explanation about the “up skirt” (because otherwise, I’m not sure a reader will know what you mean by “up skirt” at the end of the story). I do not see how it pertains to the machine in the room, the wall, or the lit cigarette, and the detailed description of her flirtatious, manipulative nature is unnecessary. It’s easy enough to figure out that she attracts older men when you say that she left home with one.
To make the story “tighter”, that is, to make it more professional and read more smoothly and swiftly, try reworking the introduction and the scene in the boutique. It needs to be apparent that the two scenes somehow relate.
Overall
This is a really great piece! Because of the number of errors, though, I’m going to give it a 3.5. With some polishing, that rating can go way up. It’s an excellent story, very well told, but in need of some finesse. Let me know when you edit it and I’ll gladly take another look! I’m looking forward to reading more of your work, Debbie!
Good luck and happy writing!
Katrina |
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