The following review is just my opinions and suggestions. Feel free to take as much as you want out of it.
Grammar:
Warning, this will sound nit-picky. I am not trying to be grammar police.
“Mr Scott, do you by chance, have a receipt for this box of golf balls?”
^ "Mr" should have a period next to it because it is an abbreviation.
"She took the golf club's side of the story, and didn't want to date a liar, or a thief as it was explained to me by one of our mutual friends."
^ This sentence is long and complex. You should consider going back and breaking it up into smaller sentences. One piece of information at a time.
“Yes of course, I said, I would love to play golf with you guys; and, maybe we can discuss this new project.”
^ There should be a comma after yes. "of course" is an interrupter
so you need a comma before and after.
"I had graduated from Stanford University over seven years ago; and had established a very good architecture business around a five hundred mile radius of Dallas."
^This is a compound sentence and should have a comma, not a semi-colon.
"That's funny as I am his only true blooded brother."
^There should be a hyphen, not a semi-colon between true and blooded
"I really liked the new country club; and then the architecture business began to rebound in the favor of SCOTT ARCHITECTURE."
^The same as before. A comma not a semi-colon.
"My brother Steve came to Dallas to visit; and just happened to run into Julie at a Dallas night club."
^Same as above.
"I, politely declined."
^There should be no comma after I.
Notes & Suggestions:
- I personally would add an extra space between paragraphs. It makes stories so so much easier to read. Especially with the font and spacing on this site. It also allows your audience to get the chance to pause and process what they just read. Paragraphs give the writing structure and organization. You have paragraphs, they are just hard to see due to the format of the site.
- The part where you were talking about his architecture company losing business was a bit hard to understand. Not the details, but the wording. I had to reread this part a few times to fully get what you were trying to say. You might think about going back, and rewording this part.
- There were some parts of this story that got the feeling of being rushed. Especially, at the end of the story. Try fleshing out more of the details to give it more substance.
Overall, this story was a short and interesting read. Keep up writing!
All of the suggestions below are my opinion and are optional. You know what is best for your story, and I am only trying to help.
What I Liked
Your writing really captured the american dream. The situations in the story, and the characters in the story were easy to relate to. They weren't in flawless, and they had good background. Your story would be a great idea to write a longer story off of, or continue.
Plot
The story had a pretty steady plot. Your main characters both had a goal and were in the process of achieveing that goal. There were some slow moments like when the waitress was helping the oter customers, but they are not major enough to need fixing. Just be aware when you are writing in the future some readers will get annoyed. I suffer from the smae problem, and it isn't uncommon.
Grammar
My revisions and comments will be in this color
The one place you have Bluetooth it should be capitalized.
"The computer keys were quietly clicking as I typed in the fininshing *Finishing touches"
"There was noone else in the restaurant" There should be a space between no and one
"I believed her, she seemed to be levelheaded and know what she was doing." A space between level and headed
My Overall Opinion
This piece was very good. I would suggest not using color in dialogue. It is distracting and it doesn't look as proffessional. You may not be able to do this for a formal piece. I could understand who was talking just fine without the color. You have real writing talent. Keep it up!
This is just my personal opinion. You know what is best for your story. I am just giving suggestions.
What I Liked
I felt that your character had a very strpng sense of what is truly right. They understood thst doing what is considered right, doesn't always make it right. I also loved how short the story is. It is probably because you entered this in a contest, biut it mad the mood much stronger
Plot
Your story bounced around alot. It took me until the end of the story to realize they actually went over the cliff. You might want to work a little on the order. I loved the detail though.
Grammar
My comments and revisions are in this color.
"I held on to a small bush I passed in an attempt to stop myself, but it came right out of the ground." < Make sure to get a comma in front of but.
"Three years we had been hiding in a trench killing, the people on the other side just because they were on the opposite side" < same as above but in between trench and killing.
"When our soldiers die we think of their families and friends who must live on without them, yet we never think of the ones across from us at whom we shoot without thought." < Comma between them and yet
My Overall Opinion
This story is really really good. You have talent as a writer, and you should keep it up!
The bellow suggestions are all my opinion. You know what is best for your story, this is just advice.
What I Liked:
I felt that Kanika was a very detailed and in depth. She had layers and very firm belief. She didn't constantly change opinions or become out of character. You also made her a very relateable person, and not unrealistic.
Plot
The main conflict was man vs. self. Though I understood who kanika was, I didn't understand her goal. She is going to meet her friend, but she had no real major goal that I could identify.
My Overall Opinion
I liked the romance, but it was a little quick. I feel like if you had changed point of views or had some more interaction between Ronak and Kanika it would have helped. I thought this story was really good and would definitely recomend it!
Did your niece write this? If she did It was a very good piece. I have done some work in theatre, but not a lot. I have, however read a lot of scripts. This monologue could fit right in a play. It has the right amount of dramatics and emotion for it to be great. If it was executed by the correct actor it would be marvellous.
"I rolled my eyes and sighed. There is no amount of Botox on this earth that can make a 62 year old look like she is still in her early 20s"
"Then why don't you sparkle?"
"Real vampires do not sparkle!"
Ha! I like the way you portrayed Angelica. She is a very interesting character, and her protege Demetria is obliviously cute. If you to flesh out the story a bit more, add a few more details in that would really help set the scene. I don't know if you are following any specific vampire lore (obviously not twilight's) most have that vampire's have heightened senses. If your vampires do than you could have how she notices the little things human eyes don't catch. I also would suggest putting more clues into the story of the time period into the story. Overall this was wonderfully written, and I hope you continue to write. You have talent!
This was extremely useful. I discovered this sight and I have been hooked ever since. I have been trying to find ways to promote it because there is a lot more resources for authors on here to become discovered. Your article really helped me figure out ways to do so. Keep on writing!
:)
This story was so GOOD! It wasn't too long and it didn't hesitate to throw in character death. Some authors shy away from it, but this story did what was necessary and that made it better. I liked how it also portrayed possession. If a person is going to be possessed or split personality the author has to do it right, and they did. Great Job!
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