First paragraph: the hook is good, it gets the reader interested in the story.
Second paragraph: has good description of the nightmares trapped inside, it helps the readers imagination capture what happens next.
Third paragraph: ends with the reader wondering what will happen to Havery, it keeps the reader turning the page.
Good story. Very interesting.
You keep the storyline moving at a good pace. You did a good job at this with using only dialog. I liked how you introduced an animal into the story as well plants.
A couple of suggestions, please remember these are only my opinions:
If you could introduce the human by name, it would make it more personal.
Maybe some description of the setting.
The story starts off with a great hook. The storyline keeps the reading involved and reading on. The words paint a picture of horror, a picture that is easy to invision because of the good description given. The open ending leaves the reader wondering what will happen next.
You had me on the egde of my seat reading as quickly as I could and I am ready to turn the page to see what happens next and wanting more.
The only suggustion I have to offer, and remember this is only my opinion:
Giving them names will help the reader connect with the characters better.
Great job. Keep on writing.
This review is affiliated with
GROUP
The Dark Society (13+) A horror group that worships all things dark and sinister. Join at your own risk! #1556647 by Jeff
You have a interesting chapter here. You have described characters and setting well. I can see the story unfolding. The plot moves
along at a good pace. The beginning paragraph has a good hook.
I have a few suggestions, please remember these are only my opinions nothing more.
her tiny bedShe yawned quietly you missed the period and a space; her tiny bed. She yawned quietly
spot waiting to see I it would happen again I think you wanted if; spot waitnig to see if it would happen agian
Under the cover of he trees almost no missed the t of the; under the cover of the trees almost no
However something about the woods always use a comma after however; However, something about the woods
listening quietly for any sigh on the boy I think you meant sign; listening quietly for any sign on the boy
his short silvery hair was matted use a comma to seperate adjectives; his short, silvery hair was matted
Alway proof read your story, don't just rely on spell check.
Also if you leave the chapter open or the action hanging it will keep the reader turning the page not putting the book down.
The storyline moved at a good pace. The description painted a great picture, I could see everything taking place. The characters were memorable. The title fit with the story.
If I had to give a suggestion for improvement it would be to have some description of the characters and of the setting. But remember this is only my opinion.
You did a great job. Keep on writing.
Keltic Angel}
The review is affiliate with the group
GROUP
The Dark Society (13+) A horror group that worships all things dark and sinister. Join at your own risk! #1556647 by Jeff
A very strange poem, but I have to say I really like it.
It has a great flow to it. And the desciptive words kept me hanging on wanting to read more to see if you gave the thing a name. And the title seems to fit perfectly.
A good start to an interesting story. And I like the title, it's catchy. You have a good start, it hooks you into the story.
Here are a couple suggestions. Please remember these are only suggestions, not something you have to do.
Put a space between paragraphs. It helps to break it up so the reader don't get confused or just gives up reading.
someone screamed my name to run show this action instead of telling and the charator a name: "Alison run," someone screamed. ; just an example
I heard my name being called over and over again. “Alison where are you? Start a new paragraph when someone speaks. I heard my name being called over and over again. (new paragraph) "Alison where are you?
I think with some re-reading and re-writing you can make this a good story. Keep on writing.
Wow, an intense poem.
I like the stye and the way it flows from verse to verse. The description paints a horrorific story. I can see the crate and the sad person inside wanting to be released from the pain and cold. The title fits with the story.
I have nothing negative to say about this poem.
Great job.
keltic angel
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ladyangel
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 6:12pm on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
