I think the idea is beautiful and i love the main/only/last image. The rhythm is nice as is the wording, except for the third line (in my opinion...'want' is just such a common word). I do somewhat wish there were more images, though, because a subject like this sort of requires it. Otherwise it can come off as too simplistic and not thought-out enough. Overall a nice job. :)
I think there's something hauntingly beautiful in this poem. In a way it's very simplistic (no fancy wording or overly lavish rhyming, etc.) but that makes it all the more tragic to read--in a good way! The only things you should probably watch out for are spelling errors (cried, not cryed), potentially mistaken capitalization ('Hated'), and a flaw in the rhythm. You had the rhythm going fine until 'we will never again'. Thank you for this lovely piece.
This poem contained some powerful emotion, but I don't think you went far enough with it. I didn't get swept away by the strength of the remorse. Maybe it's because of certain grammar issues (especially in the beginning, although that's really easy to fix) or maybe it's the repetition. At times repetition can be beneficial and help carry a message across, but in this case it only seemed like an added 'special effect', there just for the sake of stylizing. I think you've got a story to tell here, and I believe that if you played with it and tried putting it in different formats you'd be able to create something a lot more memorable.
Marvelous job with this little story! It was heartwarming in a very truthful way, and I loved the funny ending. I also loved the added 'and God help me, shapely'. That was a very nice way to characterize the narrator. That said, I did have an issue with the fact that the story begins with a few choice images and later drifts on into simple telling. It would definitely be beneficial to include more imagery that will drive your message further into our minds. Overall, though, I think this piece was lovely. Thank you for writing it, and please do Write On!
That is some lovely prose you have going there. I love the idea behind it, and I love the imagery you get across. Personally, I'd want to get to know this character better, which is not to say that your piece is unfinished, but only that you've managed to capture my interest. There are some weak verbs/adjectives, but those can be easily fixed. Kudos!
I thought this piece was great. You were able to describe the man's loneliness in an almost poetic way, especially as he battles with the heavens over his decision. It is as though no one else is there to do so, which is heartbreaking. If nobody cares that you're about to die, then nobody cares that you ever lived. Then in the end, his salvation becomes a very emotional thing. I only wish I had a clue as to who/what saves him. My only trouble with this piece was that it often relied on intangible ideas (fear, regret, etc.) to get a point across. It's difficult for a reader to get his mind around those and they become a bit cliche. Otherwise, good characterization and well done!
I like the wonderfully creepy idea behind this. It does need some work, however, such as fixing run-on sentences and such, but overall this is a very neat little story. I also like the reference to The Nightmare Before Christmas. 'Sandy Claws' ;)
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lianne_rn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 9:21pm on Dec 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
