Since you decided to use the letter i in every sentence your story didn't flow as well in my opinion. You let you need to use the letter i dominate this. Though some sentences flowed well others struggled and didn't make sense to me.
"I reclined into Ian’s chair." In this statement I think you should say I reclined in Ian's chair. You would still be using your scheme but it would flow better also.
I also feel like the relationship between Ian and your narrator wasn't as established as it should have been. Then with the narrator just disrupting the peaceful setting at random...it feels very forced.
Overall I liked the idea of using one letter in every sentence but if it's the force that's driving your idea you shouldn't continue to use the pattern.
This is very deep. From this I got that the father abused his mother, used all the spoons for a meth lab. The mother she was beaten by the father and he made drugs. And the older brother. It's a very deep emotional and the meaning was made clear.
The coma before 'from my school' is unnecessary and makes the first line flow strangely. In the beginning of this it seems like you didn't even know the boy on the beach but now he has the same friends as you and is giving you hugs? That was kind of out of the blue. This story is very jumpy...you go from one scene to the next and the flow is strange where she goes to the hospital.
I really like the concept of this poem. It's easy to relate to and I anyone can feel this way. Heck I feel this way!!!! With a few more details and maybe some metaphors and similes and it will be perfect.
It has a strange flow. It seems like a poem because it rhymed in the beginning but it's not a poem. It has a good idea but your writing seemed very premature.
In the fourth line I think you meant grovel.
If the angel has a stern apperance how can he smile coyly? Those are two different emotions.
If I'm not mistaken I believe this poem is about the judgement of the world...not just the angel that you wrote about.
I like the way you phrased the last line of the first stanza. It shows he's a powerful man and that he is fully respected.
Overall this is a good poem it flowed very wel, but there are a couple of sections that need a little touching up because in some places you contradict yourself.
I love this all the things that you don't wanna do and then BAM! you don't wanna live. It touched me and this is really good and life is a precious gift and the emotions in this are so...wow! It was just great!
I don't like the title. Though you used a rhyming scheme it flowed really well and didn't seemed forced. The only line that I didn't like was the hissing cat line seemed forced and didn't match the tones of the rest of the poem.
I loved it! Your imagery is very strong. Your poem is very easy to relate to and is very understandable and clear. One issue I had was the stanza break at the end. If you would've kept that small three line stanza with the stanza before it, it would flow easier. It was one solid chunk but you broke it up and and it flows kind of strangely. Otherwise it's very well written.
Awkward...I think you crossed the raunchy boarder. There's a way to sweetly describe your love for another person and talking about throwing someone against a wall and getting "fucked" as you put it was not the way to put it.
If you lost your heart how can you be sure it's safe from that person?
"My heart once beat slow
It once meant only pain
It gave you love when you proved impossible to love – " When i first read this stanza it kind of confused me but I guess this could be a love that isn't like I love always want to be with you but a love that is hurtful.
When I got to the ending I realized that from this heart break it killed you...did they beat you? You mention in your poem of their brutality (great word choice by the way).
I don't feel that the title fits the poem though...if your heart belonged to them then why are you hiding it away from them in a box? Then again you could be using irony as in the abuser thought your heart was theirs but in actuality it will never belong to them.
Overall I liked this poem but you should have added more... your imagery could have been stronger. Comparisons of your heart would've made this poem more relate-able to me. What if your reader has never suffered the feeling of a broken heart? How would you make me understand this if I never suffered from one.
Overall this poem was great. XD
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lindsay777
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 6:37am on Dec 28, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
