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138 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Origin (Updated)  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Ok, I'm going to keep this brief since I know your still working on it, my first bit of advice is to stay away from words like "stuff". If its someone's way of speech its fine, but as a descriptive dialog its not very descriptive and would make it seem that your story or that your place, in your case Drakes noticing of the particular differences between his world and the new one, weren't completely thought out. Al though the lack of the use of tabs was very noticeable, as soon as I came across that word it stuck.

Another note, when you're describing how Drakes world was a little different from ours, I don't think having "(like America isn't stupid there)" is a wise choice. To be honest I've read your other story of Drake's Flashback and in that story you described differences such as a unified language in Drakes world. That would be better to put in as our Earth has different languages.

As for your introduction, it could still use some work, I got confused a bit just reading your first two sentences. You say that travel between worlds is almost impossible, witch was fine, but immediately after that, you say "However this all came to be," and continue to speak of precautions and dimensions that aught to be avoided. Because of how you phrased your connecting of the two ideas, you can't grasp that travel between the dimensions is possible until you finish reading more and put two and two together. Also, this allows you the golden opportunity to capture the readers' attention. Obviously travel has become possible, you could try filling in how it "came to be". You could use a number of reasons that would still connect the two and give the reader some background information. Was it mankind's thirst for knowledge that leads to this? Perhaps their need to escape that made them push for technology beyond their understanding? Or did someone tap into forbidden magic's that altered all the realities into having this knowledge, opportunity and fear?

Also, what made it so a very few had the power to travel naturally? Was it the Gods, or perhaps something unknown? All you give us is that there has to be balance, who or what says that now that people can travel using technology, there has to be ones who can travel without something assisting them? We have planes to be able to fly in the sky, but us having that power did not make it so the birds could fly, if you understand my example. You have a good start here, but the first paragraphs or even the first few sentences is one of a story's most important parts. This is where a reader decides if they're interested or not in continuing reading, so you should present these in a flowing and captivating manor, and in doing so, making sure the rest is of the same quality.

You pause from Drakes introduction to describe the warlord Andrew; this would be fine, if Drake hadn't run into Merlin. Instead of telling the readers something that the main character doesn't know, then boring them with hearing Merlin repeat it so Drake finds out, it might be better to keep it a mystery until Merlin informs Drake of what happened. Although Merlin would have to go into further detail than you currently have it. In my opinion it might be better to start off with the confusion. Drake is in a boring lecture wishing for something to change, then all of a sudden the chaos starts. Explosions make the ground shake and in panic everyone looks outside to see massive flying warships equipped with guns that act like a nuclear bomb. Running in terror, either a bomb wave or the ground underneath giving out (also isn't clear) triggers his dormant power, the legendary power of dimensional travel.

As a quick note, the word strange may prove to be more reader friendly than weird when Drake notices the language difference in the new world. This is a minor note as it may be my own personal outtake on it.

I'm going to keep things short for Drake and Merlin's interaction. I feel it was a lot of dialogue and little detail. All you tell us is that Merlin is an old man; however he turns out to be a great wizard serving under King Author. Was he dressed as the commoners? Was his house ordinary or was it a mess with books and alchemy supplies? Perhaps he was a wizard who kept his place clean? This might seem unimportant as Drakes "read story" time there is currently short, but although you wish to move forward quickly, giving the readers too much of blank spots isn't really wise. The dialogue is important, but also having some actions of the characters would give it more life. Like, if Drake becomes overwhelmed with learning of Andrew, he could plop down on a chair next to the dinner table. Or if Merlin had certain emotions with certain things, such as if Andrew made him grieve he could cast his gaze to the floor in recalling his terrible power. Or if Merlin was more the challenger type, he could have a fire in his eyes as if he'd relish the chance to do battle. As you have it now, its just plain dialogue, I'm glad you describe somewhat of the tone they're using, such as jokingly and serious.

As for the two months in training, it shouldn't be called swordplay I don't think, as he's not really playing. Swordsmanship is more the word you're looking for. I believe you should go into a bit further detail here too. What kind of magic did he learn? What did he find out about Andrew? Swordsmanship is pretty self explanatory, but did he learn how to use any other weapons? Did they teach him any survival skills?

Hopefully my review was helpful to you, and I look forward to seeing your improved version!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of His Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'll start off with some things I've seen. "I always wanna hear you" Wanna should realy be "want to", it still makes sence and I don't think it should make that much of a difference to the reader.

I personally thought that "green met brown" was sort of flat in how it's written in comparison to the rest of the poem, I think putting one discribing word before green would dramatickly make it better, such as "memerizing green met brown" or "peircing green met brown". Just a little something to show what your thoughts are on his green eyes. (And green is such an awesome eye color!! *Delight*

"you were the one I need..." It may sound better if you have "You're the one I need..." "Were" is more of a past tense word, like "we were together" That's why I stumbled at this line, you can also put "you are the one I need..." I see why you put the were in, but I think it'll sound better if you change it.

Lastly, is a simple one, "Please,let me reveal" You forgot the space after the comma lol, everyone does that *Laugh*

As for the poem itself, I found it to be an enjoyable read, it mostly held a pattern and is easy for the reader to understand. Your also speaking of a subject that is just about every girls fanticy at one point or another, even I'm no exception! *Laugh* Great work, keep it up!
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Review of Undercover  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very touching! Though my only real sugestion, is in your third stanza, your line "Your mind was too good to grasp it." should be on the next space and not with the other line ^^ Simple fix lol

I found this one very intreaging to read, I myself had someone eho apparently was like that once to me, so it's kinda nice to see it from the other side for a change *Laugh*

I really liked the feel of this poem, I do have a question though, have you tried flowers? Find out her favorite kind and suprise her with them whenever you get the alone moment to. OR lol, you could write this poem down on paper and slip it into her bag or somewhere where she'll find it XD I think this poem is very sweet! How could any girl not like this!!??

I wish you a ton of luck, but when it comes down to it, you will have to tell her how you feel at some point if you ever want to be with her. Just be casual and don't push it at all. The only thing I really advise and caution on, is to not let your feelings get the better of your head. Unfourtunatly if she says no or doesn't feel the same way, you have to respect that. But if you still care for her and such and things don't get aquward, she may come around ^^

Sorry, just giving you the worst that can happen... Again, I wish you the best, and welcome to WDC!
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Review of Love me......  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Perhaps it would be best to start off with not using the texting or AIMing style of writing. It would make it a lot easier for readers to read and some people really don't get the whole jist of it. And I would use capital letters for some things, I've noticed that you use "i" a lot, and you didn't capitalize the very first letter of the first word you used.. But sereiously, it will look a lot better once it's written in more of a paper kinda sence.

I'd also suggest using lines in this instead of having it whole and bulkey. You seem to have different thoughts all mingled together. But those are just my thoughts ^^
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this one, but the last stanza threw me off. The others were fallowing a rhyme scheem, but that one stanza wasn't and that's what threw me off out of rhythm. But it was a good way to put things, a real out look on the situation back then -as terrible as it was.. Keep up the great writing, and thanks for sharing your work!
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Lol, nice story, though I think you could continue on this one! The endless posibilities of being in the middle of no where!

Though was there really a goast or was that a medifore? Oh, and it might help if you give the color of the house sooner, other wise the reader has to wait until that sentance to get what your picture is and change theirs.

I think you should really continue this one though, I mean, what are the mysteries of the house? The forest? What will happen when she goes to school???? I wanna know!!! >.< *Pthb* Great short story though! Good detail for what was going on, aqnd I like how you get a sence of who they are and how there past partly was. Keep up the good work!

*Heart* Lady Lish

A sig that will connect to my groups homepage
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Lol, i can't listen to the audio right this second, but it's true that we don't help others as much as we should and used to around Christmas time. Also you make it clear that Christmas is a wild and hectic hiloday, I guess it's true, but that part kinda didn't do it for me.. I would also imagine that this would end up being a short song, (like I said, I can't listen to the audio at the moment, someone else is here and he hates Christmas.........) I don't know if you added a music section to the audio, but maybe having a discription of what the music is doing will help the image of the flow. Maybe letting the readers know if or when there is a music section like some songs have might help too. I know you said that you don't play music or anything, but you have to have some sort of idea *Laugh* Well at least with the ups and downs anyway lol.

Nice song! Keep up the good work

*Heart* Lady Lish

A sig that will connect to my groups homepage
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I approve! From one dark poet to another, I aplaud your work to the fullest extent. I could not find a flaw, everything flowed easily, and on top of whitch, I know the feeling. :-/

Though I do have one thing with this work that puzzles me, the title of 11:11 doesn't really let the reader know whats inside. This might make people pass it over if there looking for something interesting that appeals to them. I would've done the same if I handn't read your discription..

But again, great work! Thanks for sharing it with everyone! *Smile*
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Review of Death  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I read your poem, and I realized that I had a lot of suggestions. Though I couldn’t really get them into words that wouldn’t make you bored *Laugh* So what I did was revise your poem with my suggestions, and this is what I came up with. It’s your choice if you want to use any or a few, but just look through and if anything strikes you as being a good idea feel free to use it!

Though I would like to mention that using “tear” to end two lines was not really working for me, as was the use of “American” twice in the same line. Also commas add a flow to the poem that would make it more enjoyable for the reader to read.

I think you did a good job on this poem and I hope you get something useful out of my review! Keep up the good work and welcome to WDC!


Consumed with rage, my soul is trapped in this cage.
I can see the light, but there is no escaping from this maze.
Walking through the valley of darkness, shedding not a tear.
Yet all I see is fear, but I refuse to lend it my ear.
Staring death in his face, because I will not die.
I'm an American, thus I am cursed with pride.
Standing tall, but forever bleeding inside.
Each night I wonder, why can't I cry, why won't I die?
I realize that the reality is that I am not alive.
Because I'm stuck in the netherworld, trying hard to survive.
My soul split in two, right now, my words are my only drive.
Stuck between worlds, why can't I say good-bye?
Each night I'm screaming, asking for help, but there's no reply.
As my body starts to decay, my soul is slipping away.
Tasting blood, my future is gray, and I am, the evil prey.
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A great contest that keeps you writing! By partisipating in your contest and by sticking with it everyday, my writers block is gone! *Bigsmile* I may not have won Gp's asside from partisipating, but I think I've won something priceless!

*Kiss* Thank you so much for letting me partake in your contest!
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is from your Secret Santa! (Which is not me btw. LOL) I hope it’s helpful to you and your work! (I also mean no offence to you or your work, my opinions and suggestions are just that, as I’m no professional. Please do as you see fit ^.^ And as a side note for ya, I’m doing this as I read so I don’t miss anything.)

Hm, in paragraph 2, where you first introduce a boy named Chris, but I’d like to point out that you have a comma after his name, when it might be better to not have one there at all. Also, I think instead of “has fallen in love with.” Should be “had”, I think this would make the sentence flow more and make more sense.

In your third paragraph, you talk about Graziella’s mom calling and telling her about Chris’s arrival, you have arrival as “arival”, just a spelling error.

In paragraph 8, where you talk about Chris’s phone message, I’d just like to make a small suggestion. Your sentence makes sense leaving it as: “It was evident he worried about her. But that was probably because she was like a little sister to him.” However may I point out a few small changes in this next sentence: “It was evident that he was worried about her, but that was probably because she was like a little sister to him.” I added two words to your first sentence, and replaced the period with a comma, lol, a sentence should never start with ‘but’, or at least that’s what I was taught. Just see if you like my suggestion better, if not then there’s no need to worry! *Laugh*

After the three months had passed, in paragraph 2 you should put a comma before the ‘but’ I think. “Graziella asked her what she was happy about, but she said it's better if they talked about it in person.” That way there’s a break in between.

Um, I think there in the car ride home part, where they were talking about Chris’s heart problem (I’m finding myself not liking this guy more and more with every paragraph I read!!) Anyway, in paragraph 5 you have “Her heart was breaking for her, for him...” Maybe it should be “Her heart was breaking for her… And for him...” Or something to that effect, either way an ‘and’ may make a bit of difference. See what you think about it.

In paragraph 6 you have: “She gave Graziella a small smile and said... "By the way, his brother's hot too!” I think the “…” should be after the quotation mark, so it’s not pausing between what she said, but rather her giving the pause.

Two things in your last paragraph for that section, the first part about the smile not reaching her eyes was a bit confusing until I read it over again. Maybe trying a different approach with describing it. Maybe: “Graziella smiled, but it wasn’t one to be remembered.” (Oh, also put the comma after the ‘but’) Or desired instead of remembered… That one’s a little tricky I think.

In the first memory that she’s reflecting back to, in paragraph 1 you have: “ I hope you still remember me." he said, hope in his voice.” I think this should be: “I hope you still remember me." He said with hope in his voice.”

In paragraph 2, after smile should be a comma not a period I think.

In paragraph 4, the ‘h’ in he should be capitalized.

I think paragraphs 5 and 6 should be together in the same paragraph (are you getting sick of that word yet? *Laugh*) because they both have her ‘speaking’, weather to herself or out loud, it’s the same person so it should be the same paragraph.

You jump from 6 to 7 with no indication that anything changed until after we read her screaming. I think giving a bit of an indicator to the change would be more beneficial. Such as: “At the movies, she found herself screaming along with many of the other people there.” That way the readers will know straight off what’s going on with the change.

In paragraph 8, again after Chris speaks, the ‘h’ in he should be capitalized as it falls straight after a period.

Maybe start paragraph 9 off as: “After the movie, he drove her up to a place he said was secret, and he waited until the right time to show her his secret.” Then have her speak. Again, just indicating the change before hand helps the reader visualize what’s going on.

In 10, “she heard him say.” The ‘she’ should start off with a capital s.

Ok, I won’t point out anymore scene changes, as it’ll make this review more annoying than it already is! *Laugh*

In paragraph 14, again a comma should be before the but. And in 16, after she speaks you need to capitalize the She part and again the comma before the but thing. And same with 17 with the ‘he’ after he’s done speaking about coming back. It should be capitalized. I also think the sentence should be: “He said, looking at her tear-stricken face, he kissed her gently on the forehead...” And in 18 the s in ‘she’ should be capitalized. And in 21 you have another ‘but’ with no comma. And in the same line, instead of sad, maybe you meant bad? Or perhaps the sentence was worded differently. Also in 22 you need to capitalize the s in ‘she’ again. (I know I’m getting really annoying, but I just want to point out all I can.)

In your next part, back in the present, in paragraph 3 asking about the rehearsals, instead of “how” I think you meant “what”.

In paragraph 5, you have: “I guess it can't be help then. I was even very excited in seeing the brother."” I think you meant: “I guess it can't be helped then. I was even excited about seeing his brother."” Maybe?

At the wedding section, in paragraph 2, the she should be She. Lol! Love paragraph 4, but after she stops at the sure that got cut off, the she should be capitalized again, and there should be a comma before the but again. (Please don’t kill me >.<) Paragraph 5, same thing with the capitals. (*is writing her will now* lol) Paragraph also with the capitals. But in the same paragraph the period before the “And” should be a comma and the “And” should be ‘and’.

Again with the capital letter on paragraph 8.

In 17, there should be no punctuation mark after “guess” I think it’s fine without one *Smile*

In 18 you have: “Sorry for making you remember that. And I guess that's the reason why when I came back you seemed quite aloof at first."” Try this: “Sorry for making you remember that. I guess that's the reason why when I came back, you seemed quite aloof at first."” It might sound better that way.

23 needs a comma before the ‘but’ again. I think in 24, after the word “thrown” you should have a comma before the “and”. As for 25, try this: “Monique said as she hugged her.” And lastly in 27 try “and her to him.” Instead of “she”.


Ok, now that you have your “Wanted” posters posted all around WDC, I can give you my over all opinion. Personally, I’m really glad I chose this work. It made me hate, laugh, and cry! (And not just because of telling you about the errors I found! *Laugh*) However I must hand it to you, I am no good as a reader, and I usually dread reading longer things, but you managed to create a story that kept my interest and actually made me read ahead of the review! *Bigsmile*

I really loved the twist in this story, and in all honesty, the speech only made the surroundings an endless possibility for each reader, but maybe adding a little bit of meat in there won’t hurt. I’ll agree with the others who have rated this work, 4 stars, as this is a fairy tale type story (which I love those btw), but it’s not yet perfect as I did find… A few errors… (*Keeps head down and doesn’t look up above this text*)

I know my review must seem annoying, but I hope it ends up being helpful at some point. Also, if you ever get done reading the review (without smashing the computer lol) let me know what you think of it! (To be honest, I’m proud of this review, I think it’s my longest yet! XD)

One last reminder that this review was gifted to you by your Secret Santa! So Merry Christmas and I hope you liked their gift!!

A sig that will connect to my groups homepage
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I noticed one spelling error, in your second to last line, you put "mleader" instead of "my leader" whitch I think you meant. Other than that I think it would be easier for the reader if you got rid of one blank line in every space row thing. That way they don't have to scroll down as far to read more.

As for my other personal thoughts, I thought this poem was nice, but the second line doesn't make much sense to me. "who always gather" Just thought I'd bring that to your attention.

Thanks for sharing your work! I hope you enjoy your stay on WDC!
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This poem didn't seem to flow as I thought it would. And just so you know, you put a comma accidentally at the begining of the last line. ^^

Though I think puncuation would benifit this poem, so the readers know that your continuing your thoughts in the next line, instead of starting a new one. For instance the last two lines:

"in to one of the graves leaving traces of her blood
,her gothinc clothes and sounds of screams behind"

Well first the comma lol, but secondly, you make it seem like the leaving behind part ends with the line ending with blood, but you really mean it to continue onto the next line. I myself had to read it twice just to figure that out. I think this poem can use a bit more work to make it clear, your half way there because the readers can understand what you mean. An example would be:

All alone
Among the bones of children chained to the graveyard gate railings
A woman sat quivering in the fog listening to birds crying
As she looked around at all the stone cold graves
She could smell death rolling around in the darkness
She went to one of the coffins and began crying until she was pulled deep down
Into the grave leaving traces of her blood, her gothic clothes, and sounds of screams behind

And you spelt "until" and "gothic" wrong, just to let you know.

Just think about it, though in the last line I also got rid of two words, instead of being pulled into one of the graves, she's being pulled into the one that she's crying over. I thought it might make more sense. But please remember that this is your work and not mine, and your the only one who can decide what you want your work to be presented as. My reviews are only my thoughts and opinions and are not meant to insult you or your work in any way, shape, or form. Thanks for sharing with us!
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Review of hatred  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
First, this should be rated 18+, secondly, this sounds like a threat to someone… Not something that should be posted. Lastly, this isn’t a poem. I’d say more of a static item.

I’m guessing that this is personal, but I’ll give my opinions anyway. In the first sentence you use the f swear twice in a row with no purpose. You use little punctuation, and a few “I”s need to be capitalized.

Other than that, to analyze, if you left her, how could she have messed up your life? And this part makes little sense: “you ruined the one thing I had the cheer in my life and now its gone” I realize that it might be two sentences there, but the “cheer” part always throws me off no matter how many times I read it. Perhaps choosing a new word for it? Like happiness for instance, I think it would make more sense.

Please note that my reviews are not meant to offend, I am merely giving my opinion and nothing more. What you do with your work is entirely up to you.
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Review of Half Way There  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
For grammar and spelling
In your first paragraph “alloted” should be spelt “allotted”

“overfatigue” Should be spelt “over fatigue” with two words


In your second paragraph, “curiousity” Should be spelt “curiosity”

In your line “I did have fun, lots to be exact, but due to it, I lost my way.” You double spaced between the I and Did at the beginning of the sentence.

“mysef” should be “myself” (forgot the L)

“homeworks” should be “homework’s”

“regreted” should be “regretted”

“ashame” should be “ashamed” This along with “embarass” as “embarrassed” would make the sentence make more sence. (And “ashame” and “embaras”s are both spelt wrong)

“I came by to the thinking that I wasn't worth dreaming.” Should probably be “I started to think that I wasn't worthy of dreaming.” I think it would make more sense.

“That I have no rights to dream wishful things.” Might sound better like this: “That I have no right to dream or wish for things.”


In your third paragraph you have “I asked myself, "why am I studying?” And the “why” should have a capital W.

At the end of your third paragraph your line is “And that enlightened me and made me realize that I want to study, I want to succeed, I want to dream!” It might sound better if you have it: “And that enlightened me made me realize that I want to study, I want to succeed, and I want to dream!” The “and” after me made no sense, so instead, put it before “I want to dream” to help finish your sentence.

In your fourth paragraph you have “I stepped as my heart says, "I will reach my dreams!"” Instead of “says” try “said” “I stepped as my heart said, "I will reach my dreams!"”

Fifth paragraph “I enjoy hearing my teachers voices.” Should be “I enjoy hearing my teachers’ voices.” The apostrophe should fall after the word teachers behind the S.

Your line: “Though I was restless and tired because of school-related things. And though I always burn the midnight oil, I am happy.” Should be:
“Though I was restless and tired because of school-related things, and though I always burn the midnight oil, I am happy.” It makes the sentence complete.

In paragraph 7 you have, “I did have problems but I turned not to back-off.” The word “turned” should be “learned”
“. I fought it head on, with dignity, with pride, but with a humble heart.” You mean “with dignity and pride, but” with no comma in between the “dignity” and “and”

“I'm half way over this journey, I'm half way to reach my goals.” The comma after “journey” should be a semicolon. ( ; )

In your last paragraph you have “Then I will say, " well my dreams, I'm half way there!"” You accidentally put a space between your quotation mark and the word “well”. And “well” should start with a capital W.

Overall, you show a good story about a girls troubles with herself gong through school, but finding herself later on. I rate this as 3.5 because I know you can make this a lot better as I have a feeling this has meaning to you. Thanks for sharing your work!

Please also note that my review is my thoughts, opinions and suggestions for your work and I mean no disrespect. You are the creator and so you are the one who sees the vision for this piece. Please make no changes to it that you don’t wish to make.


Thanks for your package purchase! I hope this review is helpful!
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is on behalf of
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1697211 by Not Available.
for the package you purchased. Please remember that this review is made up of only my opinions and suggestions and are not to meant to insult you in any way, shape or form. Also remember that your works are of your own creation, and you needn’t change anything unless you wish it.

At the start of paragraph 14, instead of “There was a resounding crash” Since Amanda seems to be in a trance from the clock ticking away, maybe “I was snapped out by a resounding crash”

In paragraph 21, you have “digging up potatos from our garden” It should be potatoes.

In paragraph 32, you have ““His head doesn’t look that bad but you’d better run” Usually a comma goes before the word ‘but”, so like this. ““His head doesn’t look that bad, but you’d better run”

Same thing for paragraph 33 “we managed to get him into the house but Mr. Purser insisted on”
“we managed to get him into the house, but Mr. Purser insisted on”

In paragraph 33 and 34, you forgot to put a line space between them like you have with the rest of your paragraphs.

Paragraphs 36 and 37 have the same spacing problem. Those two are right next to your last line.

As for your very last line, it doesn’t sound right. Perhaps making it longer and leaving it at what she saw? You have “Then I saw it. A field of green, one lone oak tree, boulders, a fast-moving stream of clear water.” Would this sound better? “Then I saw it. One lone oak tree stood in the middle of the greenest field I had ever seen. Large boulders were scattered about everywhere, and the fast moving stream was a sight to see, as the water was clear as crystal.”


As for an overall of your chapter, I must say that your characters are a bit confusing. You have so many already. Maybe for this book you should make a character list, and have a description of who they are there so the readers don’t have to look back in your book to find out who they are if they forget.

However I did notice that your chapter was a bit fuzzy to picture… It could be just me though. Some of it did, but sometimes I sensed jumps. Like when the stranger was being brought in, Amanda woke Nellie; right after Mr. Purser started helping to bring him in. Did he take over for her? Because the stranger was only in the bed after Nellie took over. Just something I wanted to point out.

Another thing I noticed was that you never went back to Amanda’s mother being alive again. Is this perhaps going to come back in a later chapter? It was the start of the story so as I reader I imagine it has great significance somewhere.

As my opinion, it wasn’t hard to read, and didn’t loose my attention. These are good qualities to have in your writing. The story seems to be quite busy though, like there’s never a dull moment. I don’t know if that is a set back or not.

I give this chapter a 4.0 rating, as it’s good, but still has room for improvement. I wish you luck with this story as chapter two already sounds interesting from your ending! Thanks for sharing your work with the WDC community, and again thanks for your purchase!

~Sheru
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Review of Film  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
lol, this is funny. Though you have to figure that it's not the family saying those things, it sounds like just one person... That was the only thing that took away from the funny for me. Perhaps if you had the main speaker speak while the rest of the family was doing something? Thats if you want though, it'll still be funny even if you don't add to it. ^^
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Review of Unbreakable  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
^.^ I like this Haiku! Though did you make the last line seperated from the others or was it from using the color on it?

But it's also good to know that you have a friend like that, someone who wont ever leave you. I thought I had a friend like that once... I hope to find someone someday to whome I can trust.

Nice work and welcome to WDC!!
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Review of Farewell  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hm, not too bad, but there was only a small hint of a pattern going on there. I really liked how you used "'tis" instead of "this is" or something, because it makes the line shorter instead of overly long. Though, I did notice that you used "approaches" at the end of two sentances, Though I guess it's not bad as there not too close together, perhaps at the end of the twilight one, you could say it arrives. Just an idea to put out there for ya.
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Review of innosance  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hm, a different poem for sure. But might I suggest that you dont doubble paragraph space? It makes the poem more dificult to read. I couldn't detect a pattern or rhyme scheme... So I'm not too sure on what to really make of it. Ah! One final thing though, at the start of your lines you don't use capital letters, I think they should be. All this is only my opinion and I mean no offence by it, I'm just trying to give some advice that may help you and other readers ^^
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Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hm? You end with a mid thought, are you perhaps planning on adding to this? Oh but one thing, I noticed that in your last sentance, you put a space before your comma between the "in" and "what". Not much more help I could give... Great intro though, it does capture the readers attention!
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Review of Stars  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
lol, your talking as though the stars' point of view! I can tell because of your last line. I afree a bit with you that revisions still should be made on this one, there is something off on the pattern in your words... Your idea isn't bad in the least though, however may I sugest one thing? Put a blank paragraph space between your title and your poem, or if it wern't for the all capital letters, readers might think that it is appart of your poem.
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Review of O Death  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Actually, I think this is great! It's written in the old english ways whitch makes it sound darker, there was a pattern within your words, and though your rhyming words didn't really follow a pattern themselves, there still there! I probubly wouldn't change a thing to this poem! Excellent job, keep it up!
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Review of Futile  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Not bad, I really like your lines of daring to return the stare. However the clock was unexpected... The last line sounds a bit off to me also, I know my suggestion is longer than probubly what your looking for, but I think it might work if your interested. "That the future had in store". I don't know, just the 'the' there didn't seem enough for me. If you don't like my idea thats ok too ^^ Just a sugestion. Good job, keep it up!
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Review of Darkness  Open in new Window.
Review by ♥ Lady Lish Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hm, it seems as though your end isn't really an end... I found no real ryhme sceme, but I can detect some pattern to your poem. The no rhyming part is ok, but as creepy as this poem is, I'd like to see an ending to it.. Maybe even a last line of "Screeming till you die" but then you'd have to change the rating..... Just to through an idea out there, just remember that this is your work, so you have the vision.
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