This is well written, The flow is smooth and the rhyme is easy. The imagery carries it along nicely, but I have a couple of suggestions that will help the flow and readability.
Enlarge the bold the font. It will help the readability of your work.
Change the title to Read Letter to a dead husband.
Isn't it too bad this has to happen to a man who goes to fight for his country. I happens more often than not though, and it always makes me angry when it does. It's seems to me that coward's wait until the Cat's away, before they decide to play. This was well written, strong imagery carried the poem from beginning to end, but I have a couple of suggestions that will help the flow and readability of your poem.
I am sigh impaired, and I find that larger, bolder font makes reading easier. I am sure I'm not the only one.
After each letter the soldier writes, use . . . to indicate the letter was sent.
This is a beautiful story from beginning to end. It is well written, and filled with emotion which grabs you from the very beginning holds you right to the end. I have only a few suggestions that will improve the flow.
Read it aloud, paying closes attention to the umber of times you have used a conjunction, and or but, to start a sentence. In proper grammar the writer never starts a sentence with but. This conjunction is used to connect to independent clauses. Many times the conjunction is not necessary.
Ex: School is out, but the doors are not yet locked. Is legitimate use of the conjunction, the but is necessary to complete the thought, however, for clarity, the sentence could be written this way.
Although the doors were still unlocked, classes were dismissed.
But and an are seldom used when writing for effect. short sentences create more drama
EX: The house was still smoldering, and the door had burned away from the top hinges
or
The house's charcoaled exterior still smoldered and the wood still burned in places. The smoke blackened door hung open, on once set of hinges.
If sentence reads better without the conjunction, the word is not necessary.
In the last italicized section, you need to make a transition, because the thoughts are Elizabeth's, not Joe's. Make her thoughts a separate section.
EX: ***
Elizabeth swallowed hard as memories scrolled like a movie before her eyes. (Insert memories here.)
I hope this has helped you. These are pointers I have received from editors and reviewers. I lived the story. Good Work. I am sight impaired, and I have used the enlarged font to enhance the readability factor. LJ
This could be a very interesting free verse poem. I like the use of the couplet, which ties everything together. However your meter is off, interrupting the flow of your entire work.
Meter is the number of lines in each stanza.
EX: I was there
The people were milling around inside the church
Each person lost in his or her own thoughts
I could only guess what those thoughts were
He was an example of honor and excellence
I was there
He lay there in that white casket
His head resting on a blue satin pillow
A Rosary was laced through his fingers
Makeup attempted hide what war had done
I was there
His life had just begun he had so much, yet to do
Everyone is born with a purpose to perform
How could one so young have fulfilled his purpose
What he accomplished in his short life was forgotten
I was there
His tragic death had taken Center Stage
He was one of America's best, he wanted peace
And for this and our freedom, he finally died
The body was my brother and of him I am proud
I was there
I grieved with you all
This is the skeleton of poem I wrote for an Empathy with Grief contest on another site. It was recognized and read for months. I didn't win the contest, but it's not the winning that counts. It's the exposure.
Your poem can do the same, you have have a good start. A little tweaking will make a big difference. I want to read more. LJ.
I'm not much for fantasy and horror, but this is a well written story that kept me reading. You stayed with your plot and used detail to keep the story moving. I saw a couple of places that could use tweaking.
Do not say: Susan's hunger forced her to look. . .It sounds like hunger was acting independent of Susan's mind.
Say:
Forced to do so by her hunger, Susan looked at the box.
Do not say: Susan's eyes focused on. . . it sounds like Susan's eyes focused themselves independent of her body.
The Stranger Within is a very well written verse with a smooth flow and an excellent rhyme scheme. I only saw a couple of places where the rhyme didn't match, but all-in-all the poem flowed smoothly from verse to verse and stanza to stanza. I enjoyed the read. I want to read more. with practice you will one day become all that you can be. Good luck. LJ
My overall impression of the story is, WOW!!!! I read a story about a soldier who lie dying, at the foot of a knoll after the Battle of Gettysburg, but his thoughts were not nearly as vivid as this young man's were. It was like I was there, watching this young man as he struggled, between two worlds, asking why, and finally realized who the enemy of his soul really was. I wonder too, it the military or the politicians think about what they are doing to these young men, before they declare the war and train them to kill. Is it any wonder they come home, a mere shell of the man who went to war? Is it really that hard to understand why the young man, chooses suicide to escape?
The dream was much more than one paragraph. Read it aloud and you will see where one paragraph ends and the next begins.
I enjoyed the read. I want to see more. Good luck. LJ.
This is a very good story, but the flow at the beginning is interrupted by the sequencing. It flows in fits and starts. Let me show you what I mean.
You have written: The last rays of the setting sun dimly lit the candy shop as Shunsuke placed the candle on the small table. Shadows flickered on the paneled walls as the flame danced ti regain its balance upon the wick, sliding his feet into this wooden sandals, he began the process of closing his shop for the day. Going to the wooden box of shrimp crackers, he took a sniff to smell the sea. Next he went to the can of sugar coated peanuts. Pinched a few of them and popped them into his mouth. Rolling the nuts in his mouth as he approached to the jar of candy canes attached to white strings. He paused before deciding to forgo the sugary snack, and stepped out into the last wisps of gray clouds framing the halo of the retired sun. His wooden sandals clicked on the large flat stone at the entrance as he took in the cloth hanging over the door proclaiming his business. Stepping inside he slid closed the shutters.
Shunsuke went to his small worn table next to the cash box darkened with age, He counted the coins and ticked off the sales one by one. A good day. He was the fourth, and perhaps the last to own it, for his plans had gone awry.
*Your sentences are too long.
**Do not be afraid to used punctuation.
Example of suggested changes:
Shunsuke was the fourth, and probably the last man to own the candy shop. His plans to sell it had gone awry. He sighed, lit the candle and set it on the small table beside the cash box. Shadows flickered on the paneled walls as the flame dance on the wick. He slid his feet into his wooden sandals, and began his closing routine.
He went to the small wooden box of shrimp crackers beneath the back window. He exhaled the sea air and exhaled, savoring the fresh aroma. He popped several sugar coated peanuts into his mouth and rolled them around, before reaching for the jar of candy canes attached to strings, but he decided to forgo the sugary snack. He went out onto the stone entrance in front of his store. He looked up into the sunlight shown through wisps of gray clouds creating a halo. He proudly beheld the name on the cloth sign above the store.HIs sandals clicked against the stone, as he went inside again.
Shunsuke closed the shutter, walked to the small table and sat down. He lifted the lid on the age darkened cash box and counted the coins. He ticked off the sales one-by-on. It was a good day. He thought as he closed the lid and locked the cash box.
Don't be too wordy. Let your reader participate. If the reader cannot feel like a participant, he will not read the story. This is a great introduction to an great story. Let your reader imagine himself in that shop, counting the money. Describe Shunsuke. Keep writing. Good luck in future endeavors. LJ
Dear Cynamon,
I enjoyed the read. Although I am pro Choice, I am also anti-abortion, two diametrically opposed views. I say this because I have witnessed the mental affects on an individual who has chosen to express her rights , as it were, in this way. The woman who believes it is her body to do with as she pleases, does not foresee any mental anguish that results from her decision. I did not do well as an abortion counselor because of this philosophy, but I have watched the anguish suffered by a woman who has chosen this step to rid herself of her choice to (I will be blunt), screw around with nature. It is terrible to watch, and it drives more women crazy than you think. I am not Pro Choice, because I believe it is a woman's choice, but because I believe it is a woman's free will to destroy her mental health if she pleases, and I do not believe the government or religion has any right to tell me what to think and do. It's a matter of conscience. The mind tortured by this decision must watch as other children go through the milestones in his/her life and know that because of her choice to end their pregnancy to escape the responsibility of expressing her free will, she will never share this with her child. I am not a religious person, but I do believe that the woman who would murder her unborn child is just one step away from excersizing this her free will to get rid of any human obstacle she perceives as standing in the way of her happiness and fulfillment. LB>
This was a very good story with a good moral and strong message to the reader. When your inner eyes are closed, you will miss the gift provided from above. I want to read more of your work. This is well written. It's so hard to write a good story in a limited format, but you have done well. Peace. LJ.
Child abuse, spousal abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse are alll recognized by the law, but pet abuse just goes unpunished. However, I would have to ask if a person would abuse a helpless pet, who can't cry for help, what would he do to his child or his wife. I enjoyed this read very much. Rhyming couplets tell the story more effectively than the longest essay. Good write. LJ.
Hey There Zooley,
I read what I could of your story,but I had to stop reading. I have one complaint before I start my review of your story. My eyesight is not what it once was. This small font size is too small and it is very difficult to read your story. It a reader has to strain his/her eyes or squint to read the story they will not read.
As you read your story aloud, ask what you would do if given the choice, would you read the story or watch a movie?
I want to encourage your to do an rewrite. This has good bones. It will one day be an very good story.
* Make the Font larger.
** Your paragraphs are run together. Split them into pieces You have too much going on in a single paragraph.
*** Describe people, places and things. The success of a story depends upon it's readers. If they feel like Peeping Tom's, they will stop reading. If they can imagine themselves as willing participants in the action and see themselves in the a room, they will read.
****Set the stage, Show the reader what you are saying, don't just tell them. Be the director not just the producer of the story..
Hi Bailey, This is a well written story as far as it goes, but there is room for expansion.Set the stage and make your reader feel like a participant and not a Peeping Tom.
* What was the weather like outside?
** What did Mr. Sutherland look like. (Tall, short, thin, dark, bald, full head of hair, Etc.
*** What was he wearing?
**** Was there anybody in the house with him?
***** Describe them.
****** What was going on in the room (sights and sounds of life.)
Read the story aloud to yourself and askf if you would read this or watch a movie, given the choice.
I am sharing advice that I have received from instructors and editors over the past fifty years. I want to read more. LJ
I guess this just goes to show you what happens when somebody is just too perfect. Aaron was not such a great kid after all. Saint like sinner is just a word, each word has different properties and characteristics. No human is without fault. Do you suppose perhaps Aaron was responsible for burning the school gym down too?
This was well written, and since it was so brief, it must have been a Flash Fiction piece.
I found only one mistake, The lawyer asked Zane's mother: Why do you say that? as opposed to Why do say that.
I would like to see a longer story from you sometime. Good luck. LJ
Dear Ryssa,
This is interesting use of the Free Verse form. It sounds like something I might have written. Sometimes the best way to write is to just do it. When you're finished, you'll be surprised just what you have created. Keep writing. LJ.
Dear WoMe,
I know about this horrendous disease, and what it can do. I am a two time survivor.
I enjoyed the read. A couple more syllables per line and this would have been Quatrains, but it really doesn't matter. It's good no matter what form you use.
This has good bones, but you need more detail. I know it's hard to read criticism of your work, every writer is defensive, but you joine WDC to improve your story telling skills.
Talk about your charaters, are they tall, short, fat or thin?
Are they bald or do they have a full head of hair, or somewhere in between?
What color is that hair?
What color are their eyes? How are they shaped?
What kind of a face do they have (long, narrow, fat, etc)?
Are they deressed for the beach?
Describe the beach, the restaraunt, the hotel room Etc.
What kind of weather were they having?
What was going on around them.
A well rounded story has all of these elements.
Make your reader feel like they are part of the story, not just a bystander.
Would your reader eat a hamburger rather than reading this story, given the choice?
This story has good bones, but you are just giving me a running play-by-play of the action. You need more descrition. You have to make the reader feel like more than a bystander or a peeping Tom. If they don't feel they are part of the story they won't read it.
Tell the reader what your characters look like, and where they are.
Describe the souroundings, houses, rooms, building, etc.
Pain a picture with each word you use.
Ask yourself these questions as you read your story aloud:
Would I rather look at the male models in GQ Magazine or read this book?
Do I feel like I am involved in the story?
You have the makings of a good author, you just need to tweak your story.
I do hope there is going to be more to this story, and you will provide a little more detail and character development. This sotry has good bones, and I assume by the abrevieated word count that is is a contest entry. Keep writing.
This story has excellent bones. It is well-written. I grabbed me from the beginning and held me to the last word, however, I beileve it could be much better with more description. Describe Becky and Johnny, and talk more about what happened to close the park. The tension builds, and being a mystery reader, I would buy this story. I enjoyed eavery paragraph. It's not always good to get your own way. LJ
Your story needs a little work. Description is a very inportant part of any story. Describe Katy. How old is she, how tall, etc. Describe Katy's father, the house, and the yard.
If Katy rushed up the front steps, she wouldn't be worried about the noise she was going to make. Katy tiptoed up the steps to avoid being heard by her parents, but she was foiled by a creaking board on the deck floor. Just as she reached for the handle on the outside door, the door swung open and she looked into her father's stoic face. "You're late," he said flatly.
Read your story aloud and listen to it closely. This will help you to understand what your reader is reading. You have good bones and with some work, it could be a very good story.
Put yourself in the reader's place. How does this story make you feel?
These are tips that I have been given by instructors and editors. If your reader cannot see themselves in the story, they will not read.
The rhyme scheme is good, and there is much truth in what you say in this Ballade. Today kings are called Prime Ministers and Presidents. While the majority of them are arrogant and they care little about you and me, there will always be those who give their lives to make life better for their nation's. Good luck in the contest.
Although I am not a fan of Science Fiction and Horror, I enjoyed this. The story grabbed me from the beginning and held me captive to the very last word. There has to be more to come. Good grammar and punctuation made for an easy read.
I found one or two glitches. They don't interrupt the flow, but I thought I would mention them.
Statements like 'simple as that, and another loud boom, are unnnecessary sentence fragments. A sentence must have a subject and a verb.
Say: Another loud boom was followed by a coresponding bright light.
I hope this has helped you. Enjoy your day.
LJ
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