This piece is very well written and held my interest throughout I'm glad someone used the 'family traditions' prompt and you've done a great job with it The characters are well described and are realistic!
Is Mwarree really a Gaelic endearment? I've never heard it, guess you learn something new everyday, lol
Best of Luck in the contest, the winners should be announced tomorrow
I got a link to your port from {suser:astephenson) as part of "Invalid Item"
I think this poem is really good, I liked the imagery and the only suggestion I have would be to add punctuation, personally I think it would improve the flow of this, however its just my opinion.
I hope you're finding your way around the site ok, if you need any help just drop me a line, I'd be happy to help
Thank you for entering the contest in "Invalid Item"
I enjoyed reading your story. The descriptions are good and the emoticons you've used brighten it up I'm glad the little boy finally worked up the courage to go down the hill on his sled! You used the picture prompt well.
There are a few things I noticed as I read that you might want to edit...
Have a look back over at your spacing, there are a few places where you didn't leave a space after a comma such as 'after another,they zoomed'. Also before emoticons I think leaving a sapce would look better
I was flying.! - You don't need both full stop and exclamation point here!
I have a few suggestions on how you could improve on the piece...
chil - should be chill
California should have a capital C
stoping - should be stopping
I'd consider re wording this sentence... He was knocked to the ground as his dog Fluffy knocked him to the ground - You've repeated knocked over, maybe something like He was knocked to the ground as his dog Fluffy rushed to greet him or somthing to that effect
famiy - family
I've noticed in a couple of places you've ended the speech marks, immediately starting new ones... "Dad!" "Your home!" If there's nothing in between you only need them once, like "Dad! You're home!" also it should be you're as you are saying you are
You might consider taking advantage of the genre options available to you, you can have up to 3, you can add more by going into the edit option. I think holiday would be a good one to consider!
If you have any questions about the site feel free to ask, and if you edit this let me know and I'll come back and re read and hopefully higher my rating!
I found this story on the review request page. I love it
You've written this from a great angle. I felt so sorry for the little boy thinking he was going to be replaced and abandoned. It's so important for parents to properly prepare kids for a baby brother/sister.
I loved the descriptions of the mischief the kid got up to
Welcome to writing.com, I found this piece on the read a newbie page
I like this story, it's realy sweet and I can so picture the little boy with the ketchup!
There are a few things I noticed as I read.
some of your sentences are very long, it might improve the flow of the piece to shorten some of them. I thought there were too many comma's by breaking up the sentences it'd look and read better.
You need to work on your punctuation, for example in this bit
'Not in my house, Now, don't get me wrong, I love to hear the words "Let's eat out" unless they are accompanied by the words "with the kids" Why do those 3 little words drive fear into my heart? Let me share my last dining adventure.' - The N in now shouldn't be a capital after the comma. You could put Not in my house! Now, don't....
also after the dialogue "with the kids" you should add a full stop as you're starting a new sentence
This story is really interesting, The point of view its from is original, and it's really emotional to think of the little boy coming to such a realisation
Theres a few things I noticed while reading
maybe is all one word, i saw in a couple of places you have may be
'There were also few flowers beside me. I didn’t know why the flowers were kept' - I think this sentence would read better as There were also some flowers beside me. I didn’t know why the flowers were there. or even say a few instead of just 'few'
Also one thing to watch out for is your tenses, for example, you've used will in a few places where it should be would
I think you have the makings of a great story here, it just needs a little work!
This is one of the best stories I've read in a while, it really gripped my attention right from the start! I thought it was really original, after reading the first bit I wouldnt have imagined how it would go, really unpredictable
I love the description, only after reading the story can you appreciate the message of the piece! Great Work!
I didn't see any obvious errors! Definitely deserving of 5 stars
This piece is well written and thought provoking, I'm glad I read it
The only suggestions I have would be to take advantage of the other genre options available to generate more exposure, and in some places it might be a good idea to shorten the sentences.
this is another great entry. It really touched me, the concept of being able to email loved ones in heaven is beautiful. This definitely fits the biographical prompt. The chorus is the type that would stick with you. glad to hear its been recorded, I hope it does well.
I thought these lyrics were really good, they flowed brilliantly. I especially liked the catchy chorus. I could easily imagine it to the music you've noted.
These lyrics are really good! The chorus is really catchy. I like that you've ended on a positive note and that there was determination to break away throughout.
kids are so innocent! this is good, but I think it needs a little work. The children dont seem to understand death, I think if one of their goldfishes had died it would have been explained to them. Also their speech, to me, would make them seem old enough to understand what death means, like going to heaven etc... not nessecarily everything that goes with it.
I would suggest seperating each dialogue line with a blank line space, it just makes it easier to follow. Also it might be an idea to use all the genre options you can to generate more exposure
dialougue only stories are very difficult, you've managed to tell the story, it just needs a little bit of tweaking
Telling a story through just dialogue isn't easy, I think you've done pretty well.
The female character came across more strongly than the male, It was easier to get an sense of her emotions and to picture her behaviour than it was his.
Instead of using other as a genre maybe you could use relationship
Welcome to writing.com, I'm sure you'll love it here!
I really enjoyed this sweet little story. Reminded me of my own little brother when he was younger, always getting himself into trouble. Its nice that you care so much for your little brother and that you watch out for him, he's lucky to have someone to do that!
You've interpreted this prompt differently than I'd expected it to be, but good all the same. True friends are hard to find and in this case the friend in question wasnt one. I guess the 'mirror' is only good if its a true friends eyes, one who will be honest and have your best interests at heart, not one who is quick to insult and hurt you In the case of this poem the mirror definitely wasnt good!
You've done a great job with the prompt, I love the title of this!
We shouldnt take friendship for granted, both people have to make an effort if they want it to last, your poem reflects this well!
I like the description of the music you'd use for this, it's easy to imagine with the lyrics. Thanks for sharing some background information on the meaning of the song. It was really emotional, you made great use of the prompt.
These lyrics are very different to the ones I've seen so far, I like them, especially the chorus. Also I like the description of the music you gave and that you shared the inspiration for the song.
Wow, this really would suit a male Alanis Morissette. It really fits the style of some songs on her albums.
I really liked it, and while its obvious which prompt you worked it around you havent actually included it anywhere in the piece. Theres still a few hours to edit, so hopefully you'll get the chance to so it fits the contest guidlines!
This piece was for the most part very vivid. The details of the narrators feelings and the unfolding of events were really good. I thought however that the last paragraph, especially towards the end, felt a bit rushed compared to the rest. To me it lacked the description of the bulk of the story. I see you have it listed as a work in progress, I'd love to see this expanded, perhaps some more background information, one question I was left with was where the narators own mother was? as it only mentions her grandmother and great grandmother.
All in all I thought this was a good story, it felt quite real, and how true is that last bit, lol, any funeral I've been to has ended in a pub.
Best Wishes,
Lou
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/louise_slats
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 10:46am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I'm glad someone used the 'family traditions' prompt and you've done a great job with it 
The characters are well described and are realistic! 
Have a look back over at your spacing, there are a few places where you didn't leave a space after a comma such as 'after another,they zoomed'. 
Also before emoticons I think leaving a sapce would look better
Welcome to writing.com, I found this piece on the read a newbie page 
Lou
