A poem about nothing ends up talking about a lot of something.
Please remember that any suggestion is only intended as help not to harm you or your work in any way. Please take what you feel does not jeopardize your creativity and throw the rest aside.
Stanza one
(Line 1-2) The first double nothing - considering you have used punctuation through out the piece may I suggest some here. It changes how a reader starts the meter.
(Line 5) What if you drop it'll be and just start the line with absent.
Stanza Two
(Line 3) there'll be - is not needed it takes away from the rhythm the reader gets in
Stanza Three
(Line 1) There wont be - try using just No -
(Line 3) Try dropping It and just starting it with Won't
and drop about
(Line 5)Instead of there wont be - try there is no wisdom
Stanza Four
(Line 3)Try dropping the There are
Stanza Five
the last two lines lose the rhythm for the reader....
I do say that I truly enjoyed this piece. The little bit of humour with telling the reader it could always be worse gives the perfect ending to this.
Keep on being creative, I look forward to reading more in the future.
Sorry it was the first thing I thought of when I read the description of using just words with the letter A. Definitely was not expecting a more intellectual approach.
Thought and time definitely had to go into this piece. Well done. I really have no suggestions at this time as the piece stands well on its own.
Except maybe Keep going... and thank you for sharing.
Any and all suggestions in this review is meant to be helpful. Please take everything with a grain of salt - use anything you fill fits in your artistic talent and toss the rest aside.
I had a vision while reading this - and though it may not be what you intended i have to say I quite enjoyed it.
First Verse -
It almost seems unfinished just by the order. I was almost waiting for the next line to continue describing the fingers swaying - if you rework it so the green fingers were swaying to wave hello to you you would complete the vision
Second Verse -
Love this
Third Verse -
the use of the word little almost seems irrelevant - here you could almost take the brown specks taking off to float in the air.
Fourth Verse -
This verse seems a like it is missing something that completes your vision
I know it may seem like i was tearing apart you work of creativity but honestly I truly enjoyed it.
Now i am going to share my vision to help explain my suggestions
Reading this - i picture a cartoon setting where the wind blows and the garden comes alive. Trees dancing swaying their arms waving... I picture the flowers treating the grass they way we treat flowers dancing as they do it. As for the dirt i see little dancing specks joining the trees and flowers.
It really was a great little piece and I look forward to reading more.
Good day - First I would love to say thanks for inviting us in your world.
Please take everything said with a grain of salt - Take what you feel fits in your artist talent and leave the rest by the side.
First is presentation -
Overall a little space between paragraphs helps with the readability making the presentation overall more appealing and inviting to read.
Next is suggestions
First paragraph -
"maybe a cadet" try switching this to possibly a cadet -how does that sound to you.
in the third sentence you have two side bars in quotes - what if you take them out and then add it in the beginning of the next sentence - Such as
In my tween-aged wisdom, I was far too worldly to believe in such things. I laugh at that now, but as an adult, I might just think those stars were watching out for me. - it serves as two functions one leaving out a double sidebar and not starting a sentence with the word but -
Second paragraph -
the first sentence - consider a more simplified approach - I find it crazy to think my dad was there at the beginning of my obsession - this leave room for you to get into more details about your relationship with your father. How it progressed where the turns go etc.
starting a sentence with the word and is not necessary - try dropping it.
Third Paragraph -
there is a bit of confusion to the reader when you bring up resenting your mother. You could clarify this by stating at the beginning while my mother was out working i was the child that...
was your sister younger - because to me asking help from a sibling does not reflect the chagrin and if she is say younger sister give the read some context
Now depending on how you are going to take this finished work would reflect some of the omissions - such as ripping the page out of the book and framing it - it is not needed to follow the story
the help part from your father - you may want to change it with little to no help from my father - and take out the more often than not.
Fourth Paragraph
the routine - try our routine
After routine down change the period to a coma and then end the sentence after dreams.
Drop when start with One day...
Drop the particular day - start with my guidance counselor after hearing - then same sentence drop had told me and just say told me.
Try those words crushed me -
Drop the word But and start with if i had - instead of awfully short book - say my story would end right here.
That was my greatest wish - it takes away from your nasa dream by saying everything is the big one. Simplified - i would have loved to tell everyone her name as a child but as an adult i just fight the urge to send an email how unrealistic my dream really was.
The last sentence make it simple to show there was really no effect on you - I recognize it would have as little impact on her as her words on me. Which is the truth if you are where you dreamt you would be.
I know it seems like i am tearing it apart - but honestly I love it. WHen reading the rest i want to be able to focus on the importance of what it means to reach for the stars (literally). With each thing i have said run it through your head - does it help keep what you are saying of am i blowing smoke.
I look forward to reading the rest of your story - It could be the inspiration some child needs to read to know that if they can dream it they can live it.
BTW: i had a few people tell me what i wanted was not in my scope of life - and I know the fight to show you whos right attitude. Dont ever lose it.
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