Your story relays an inspiring and comforting message; invoking God to help overcome the trials and tribulations we all encounter on this journey we call "life".
I liked how you effectively expressed anguish and clearly needed answers. As I was reading this piece, it brought to mind a few instances when I was emotionally wrecked and desperate for relief.
The lines spoken by the man with the dog were well chosen. I also found it creative that his advice came to you in what I assume was an inspiring dream. However, I did find a few punctuation errors. The exclamation point after overwhelmed seems a bit much since you had already used one after the first sentence. You had already established that you were distraught. You might want to consider deleting the other exclamation points.
A comma should be placed within guts and wrenching. Also, between sofa and sobbing. Lastly, there are a lot of one sentence paragraphs. Try combining a few sentences.
I found your writing to be inspiring and creative. Good work.
Hello, Netty,
The poem's theme reminds me of the seemingly unreachable standards set forth by various religions. There are many people that claim to be devout followers of a deity yet fall short of consistently obeying its' commandments.
"Can we love like him?."
Can we love like him?." - well written. Repeating this line at the start of the poem helps to emphasize its' theming.
Grammar: There are question marks that seem to be missing. Also, placing a period consistently after a question mark disrupts the flow. For example:
" Can we love like him to care, share?."
to hold , console to nourish our hearts and mind?." - no need for quotation marks as you have already stated your theme strongly with the poem's first two lines.
Nice poem though with a thought provoking theme. Keep writing!
I have to admit that the title attracted me to this poem. As I read it line by line, I felt as if you were describing my own Christmastime memories. You took me back to times that I will cherish forever.
Theme description is on the mark. My favorite lines:
"We gather around the Christmas tree
Our eyes wide with wonder
Some reach in and take up the gifts
Shaking them and making guesses"- anticipation well-described.
"Anticipation curls around us
Like a light breeze on a humid day
Pleasant relief that begs for more" - I do not see how the anticipation of unwrapping gifts can be compared to a summer breeze considering its humid air. Perhaps you may consider a different simile.
Thanks for taking me back in time. I will read and review more of your writing.
This nice poem brings about feelings I myself have expreienced.
"Do you, mystery person,
just say what you think I want to hear?
say things that inadequately try and
give me hope?" - As an introvert, I have always felt like everyone thought they understood me yet I knew they had no idea what makes me click. They say what they feel is socially acceptable and pleasing but the words are ripe with insincerity and ineffectiveness. Perhaps you could join the the last two lines quoted above into one as the thought would flow better. "mystery person" could be its own line.
"I bought new shoes today, but they don't fit
my feet, only yours." -This makes me feel one who is trying to fit in (buying new shoes) but still feels like an outcast (they don't fit). You might want want to make "but they don't fit
my feet," into one line as it interupts flow. "only yours" should be its own line.
"Do you call to procrastinate yourself
and see me as wasteable time? - these two lines are a bit awkward. Try to find alternative words for procrastinate and wasteable.
To find another, demonstrate affection - I think that placing an "and" between another and demonstrate would be a better way to link these two thoughts rather than a comma. Otherwise, it's a nicely written poem with a clear meaning.
I have written a poem titled "An impossible love" that could be described as the polar opposite of yours. Keep writing!
This poem brings back so many painful memories of possibly the most devastating event in American history.
Line 11 and 12 was the powerful part of this poem. I remember how most US citizens united and understood that justice would have to be administered. Americans could have shivered in fear, thinking that revenge would only bring more terror. We must sacrifice our lives if necessary in order to maintain order.
I remember watching the "Flight 93" film and wondering what I would do under such circumstances. Thank God for brave souls that make a difference in this world.
Also love the metaphor in line 3-4, comparing falling towers to the many deaths of heroes just doing their duty. We do not appreciate policeman and fireman like we should.
Nice poem. Keep up the good work.
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