To be honest, I'm a softy. This piece made me want to cry. It speaks to me because I know plenty of children are growing up like this even in the big cities and not many people realize it. I would like to suggest you try to send this in to one of the marketing firm that do the feed the children campaign. It's very poignant and heart felt. I'm glad you wrote this.
This poem brought an image of standing in front of a window looking out at a pristine snowy world with snow eddies being swiped around in the wind. It definately hit home with me because I live in the Pacific Northwest and our winters are usually really cold and wet. Great job invoking a wintery image with such longing.
I love the sense of this piece. I could definatley feel the excitement of her going home after such a heart break, but I don't really get a sense of the time from the marriage breakup. A good way to connect the heroine and her hero is to show them in the past interacting as a mini-scene so the reader can connect to their relationship rather than be told about it.
The other thing that bothers me is the scent issue of the taxi cab. What did it smell like? Was there a hint of a scent that reminded her of Nick?
I liked the beginning of this story. I clearly can see the heroine sitting on a beach wondering about her decision to be away from her family. You had your point of view down perfectly, but there was one spot in the middle where she is thinking about her twin being with her mother and big brother that needs just a little tweaking. It should say "their" mother and older brother rather than "her" mother and older brother.
The only other thing I could say that would benefit this piece would be to include a little more words that evoke more emotion. I can tell that this is a lonely night for her, but I don't truely feel the loneliness as a reader.
This is a lovely prologue, but it is missing an emotional hook. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, especially since I don't know your story as well as you do.
I would remove the wife's point of view (POV) from the beginning of this prologue. You want your POV to come from the character that has the most to lose and in this situation it feels like that would be the husband.
Another thing that seems to be missing is the emotion of the news he's getting. We get his thoughts well enough, but I couldn't feel the real emotion behind those thoughts. He was missing the visceral responses of someone going through something so traumatice. A visceral response is something your body does without thought, like a pounding heart or sweat sliding down a cheek.
Also what is the child doing while their speaking? A small child is usually noisy and wanting attention from their parents when they aren't paying attention to them. I imagine the child crying as the mother drives away, which would make the ending more poignant for the reader.
I hope some of this helps.
This was an interesting poem. What I read into the poem was that the author was speaking about the ocean and cooresponding waves, but then at the end I realized the author was speaking about someone else. My favorite line of thie piece was the line where you spoke of going past the gazebo to the licking waves. It evoked a welcoming peaceful emotion of being on the beach in the Pacific Northwest. Thank you for writing this piece.
Hi. Your initial story feels like a great start, but this actual synopsis reads more like a series synopsis. A series synopsis covers several different stories that are connected in some way. Do you have a synopsis for each individual story? I'd love to read more of this when you get ready for it.
A synopsis on an individual story should cover what happens in the actual novel between the characters, not only the internal battle, but any external as well. What makes the pairing betwen the hero and heroine unique? Why is it important to read their story? I will have my own synopsis uploaded later this week if you want to check out a short synopsis. Good luck.
I had to laugh at this piece of flash fiction. It wasn't what I expected when I saw the title, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. The way you compared the debate of who goes to heaven and hell to the Wall Street issues we're facing today was ingenuis. It definatey hit a chord with him. This would be a good piece to put into a comic strip in the same vein as Bizzaro.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maepen
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 2:31pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
