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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mandicheri
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20 Public Reviews Given
20 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I enjoy reading other people's work, and desire to help them refine their writing to make it better. I share what captures my attention, what appeals to me overall, and what keeps my interest. By doing so, I provide the encouragement and reinforcement each of as writers needs to affirm our craft. On the other hand, I don't hesitate to let a writer know how I think they might improve any of the above areas mentioned if it seems to me that improvement could be made. In addition, I also offer correction of spelling and grammatical errors if found, as well as options on how to vary sentence style to create a smoother read.
I'm good at...
Spotting spelling and grammatical errors due to my background. I graduated with a B.A. in Journalism and homeschooled my two children. I'm also good at combining encouragement and constructive criticism.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy and Science Fiction, Young Adult Fiction, Mystery, Christian Fiction, and Poetry
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Not applicable
Least Favorite Item Types
Not applicable
I will not review...
Not applicable
Public Reviews
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Review of N. B.  Open in new Window.
Review by R.A. Reader Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, WritingWalter, I'm definitely impressed! I was intrigued by your request for those without gender biases; although I think everyone can and should read what your poem has to say. While I am secure in my heterosexuality, and I make no secret that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, I struggle with the gender biases that are so often downright mean and segregating. My husband and I have a strong friendship with a male married couple who have been together almost 20 years. That's longer than most heterosexual married couples. So I understand, at least a little bit, from where you write.

Your use of appropriate words and rhyme scheme makes for easy reading and provokes the reader to take a step back and think about something they may not have been comfortable thinking about before. And you don't put down those who might not agree with you, which is impressive. I don't have any critique!


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Review of Reflective Sorrow  Open in new Window.
Review by R.A. Reader Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your poem would seem to stem from your own childhood, as so often we cannot escape our past unless we put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and let the bottled up misery out. It evoked a great sorrow within my own heart about all children who have experienced abuse. I really like how you worded this poem. You definitely have a gift!

So I don't forget, allow me to to point out a couple of grammatical errors I observed and ask a question or two. You refer to "parent's" in the singular form. As a mother figure is not introduced, I assume this is done purposefully and that you had no mother figure, or at least not one that you remember. If both mother and father were present, then the proper spelling would be parents' question is about "fuel'd." I'm not certain why you felt it necessary to write it that way. Is it because you were concerned about "fueled" pronounced with two syllables? Just curious.

Last stanza, third line, you write 'latters years." I believe you mean later (as in after being grown and having children of your own would indicate) as the word "latter" means before. Keep up the good work!


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Review by R.A. Reader Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Shawn. I'm rather taken aback by your poem, because my son's best friend's brother was 23 when he died of an overdose this past May, He was like one of our children, often over at our house with his brother. In addition, my niece is a recovering addict. She served time in prison before starting to turn around. Your poem hits me hard, but I'm really glad to have the opportunity to review it!

Ok, grammar in first line of second paragraph: there your use of "it's" is incorrect. It should be "its."
Third paragraph, first line, simple typo -- lower case "i" instead of "I."
Fourth paragraph: the last line is a little confusing, and I had to read it and reread it in order to find the right rhythm and figure out exactly what you meant by it.
Fifth paragraph: An idea for the second line so that you don't need to repeat "looking forward" is "I arrived at the diner, I couldn't wait to spend time with him," or just "I couldn't wait to see him."
Sixth paragraph: To be honest, the last two lines just don't seem to fit together. Just my opinion, remember. I think it is important to fit in somewhere that efforts to spend time with your friend had been deferred (I"m thinking you meant missed opportunities here?)

Overall, this is a good poem. I'm impressed with your ability to provide rhyme in such a lengthy poem and to do it so effectively! I suggest you migjht want to think about whether or not to use commas, periods, and so on; there are places where you use them and others you do not. Just one person's opinion, but I think that using commas will smooth out the reading of your poem. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. --Mandicheri


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Review of Here Be Dragon  Open in new Window.
Review by R.A. Reader Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
First of all, I love the name Alex for a girl/woman. Just a personal preference, but given what the character does and says the name adds quality and strength to her. Fourth paragraph, where the dragon addresses Alex in conversation following up on her statement of 'I probably don't taste very nice' I sort of got lost for a moment when the dragon suddenly refers to "it stops them stealing from me." Prior to that he was saying, "they rarely do" and I had to look back at the previous sentence to remember that eating humans is what he refers to. I hope that makes sense. What I'm trying to say is that you need to connect the thoughts more smoothly there for the reader's sake. Another place where the paragraph seems somewhat out of context with the remainder of the story is where Behemoth states what he has done over thousands of years, including having spoken with the Almighty, and you end with his saying he is 'no thing's pet.' But then he does a complete 180 at the end. Or is that only what you want the reader to think? I'm just asking because those are the questions that popped up in my own mind.

Overall, I like the idea a lot about the dragon suddenly being able to reduce its size and having a secret method for its gold to be watched over and protected from thieves. It seems you indicate that while the dragon is so large and has lived for so long it is actually lonely. I have to admit I was really interested about the idea of the dragon keeping Alex as a pet - that would have been a more unique ending, in my personal opinion. If he could reduce his size, then he could obviously help Alex find human food if necessary and have room for her to live in his lair. But then, with his calling her Fluffy at the very end, perhaps that was the idea you meant to leave the reader with anyway, which I find very cool.


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5
5
Review by R.A. Reader Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
HI! I'm going to review as I read each paragraph as that enables me to give what I feel is a better review overall. Even in reading that first paragraph I can definitely affirm the "old world feel" that you are seeking. Well done.To make it better I suggest breaking up the paragraph a bit more. The second sentence seems to go on for far too long, and I'm sure you can break it up while still keeping your old world style.I found myself getting a little lost in it, hence my suggestion. Third paragraph - is "fantasist" a word? I'm asking because I honestly don't know. Even if it is, you might be better off using just the word "madman" as it conveys a lot!

I would suggest using care when your characters speak, because if you are beginning a sentence with the statement of another and ending it with "he said," to be grammatically correct a comma would be necessary after the statement, "he" would not be in upper case, and the sentence after he said. Does that make sense? If not let me know and I'll try to explain better.

I skimmed over the rest of your paragraphs, and the one other suggestion I have is that you do not need to go overboard with your descriptive words. Sometimes less is more, and even more accurately gives the trepidation and sense of fear you are looking to convey. I hope this is helpful! I do like your writing style, and admire your ability to capture the "old style" of horror writing.


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Review of Ocean Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by R.A. Reader Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is REALLY great - I love the ocean, and so your poem appeals to the deepest reaches of my being. Well done. I am curious about one thing...when you write "a gargantuan foot" are you referring to the sand brought in my the encroaching ocean tide? I'm pretty sure, but want confirmation. :)
Ok, I guess I do have another question. "Azeure reye"s" -- do you refer here to the eyes of the boy, the eyes of the ocean waves, or the eyes of the sky above? Or, is that open for the reader's interpretation? -R.A, Reader


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Review of Simply Me  Open in new Window.
Review by R.A. Reader Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The simplicity juxtaposed with the complex gives your self identification a uniqueness all its own. I really enjoyed it, being partial to free verse/free writing myself. It really feels as though you are baring your soul in this piece, whether you truly are or not.

I do have a couple of suggestions, but nothing major. I am a bit confused by your line, "Fully open just guarded by steel." It makes me wonder if you are actually in the prison system. Or is that is simply a metaphor? At the beginning of your second paragraph, you refer to "36 years of sight." When starting a sentence with a number, always spell it out regardless of what that number is. The other rule of thumb is to spell out all numbers under 10 and use numerals for the rest, unless the number begins a sentence. Keep up the good work!


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