Sorry it took me so long to read this piece. I have had schedule problems lately.
I enjoyed this story. I think it helped that I read the first one so I was familiar with the charactors and the base of the story.
I found the first one a bit difficult to read and become involved in, but this was different. It flowed much smoother and pulled me in more. There was definately more of an emotional connection.
I guess I would catagorize it like many books I have read where I almost put thet darn thing down during the first chapter but was glad I didn't as I read on.
I think the story is starting to develope and I am understanding the charactor a little better.
I was still held back a bit by the language and trying to believe this story is told by a young boy. The manerisms just don't fit to the image in my head. I suppose if it is told by a, now educated adult and is seen through those eyes, the language is more believable.
I like the references to the meaning of some of the Nigerian words yet I felt it was a bit over done. Perhaps a little too much time in the shortness of this story spent on it.
One other small problem I had was the fact that the mother was first protrayed as very leanient when described by the writer, yet when they are in Nigeria she is very strict about the diet and food. Perhaps it was because there was not an abundance of it and she felt the boy was eating food that could have gone to a needy mouth? If so the story didn't radiate that.
Overall I think this is shaping up as a story yet still is geared toward a more educated reader rather than a recreational one. In my opinion, it still needs more emotion to keep the reader involved.
I am still amazed at your writing capability. You have a definate knack of filling the paragraphs up with quality wording.
I hope this review has helped you in the way you hoped. Remenber, this is my "feeling" when reading and thinking about your piece. It is in no way a proffesional view.
In case you haven't noticed, I am both an emotional writer and reader. I am not a polished author nor an accomplished student in english grammer or sentence structure. I rate in the same context as I write. I want emotions to move me, I want to feel the story and the characters in it.
To many, this story is probably an excellent arayment of carefully chosen words and descriptions. A person versed in vocabulary would be pleased to realize their capabilities. I don't believe anyone could say you did not do an great job structuring this story.
I found the story intrigueing yet dificult to follow emotionally. I understood what the character was expressing but did not feel it. Perhaps because it is told by a four year old boy yet his thoughts are incongruous with his age. His description reflects the thoughts and mind of an adult and seems to radiate little emotion.
You tell the story well yet you do not show it in a way that draws in the reader and causes them to have no concious choice but to continue reading. When the emotion of the story engulfs the reader, they feel like they are there, experiencing the same struggles as the character.
As I read I found myself stopping and thinking how well you write, how versed you are in vocbulary, gealous in a way as I had to stop and think about the meanings of words. What I desire is a story that doen't allow me to stop and think, one that brings me center stage and includes me into the story as if I am living it not reading it. That is what I felt was missing here.
You are surely an excellent writer and cover all the bases structurally. I suspect many readers will rave your work here and be very satisfied with the story. I am probably a minority and have been misunderstood many times with my writing and rating but I can only give my honest feeling from a non proffesional view.
So, structurally I think this story is amazing. Emotionally I think it needs something.
I liked this story. It flowed well and kept my interest. I suppose you could continue with a sequel and perhaps turn it into a horror story. One thing I couldn't figure out.....appearantly it wasn't your house as you hadn't been there for three weeks but it must have been familiar as you had been there before.
I also noticed that you made a lot of trips to and from the house ....is that cost effective?
very good poem, I find erotic poems are very difficult when trying to create that "feeling" in the reader of sexualism and still keep the poiem on track. You handled that well here. Good Job Ski
First of all you should know that I am not an expert on poems.....I have not written many as I tend to be a wordy,a fill in the gaps myself, writer.....so poems do not allow me that luxury. When I review poems I use the emotional flow as my guidance. I have no idea if you wrote it "properly" or not.
That being said, I was saddened by this one. I see a person longing for the things that are out there in the vastness of our world but not allowing themselves to venture toward them. You (the character in the poem) feels the wonderment and draw of the unknown and even though they know there is a whole world out there, you are pulled back in to your own small world and circle of problems.
I feel you did an excellent job of radiating your emotions through this poem....well done... Ski
I visited your port and saw this piece with no reviews as of yet.
I loved the flow and directness of this poem. I have so much respect for poem writers. How they can get the emotion and story out with out getting wordy (something I struggle with) is amazing.
I like the sequence here, you state your fear of hurting him, ask for him to wash away your sins, then the ending is exactly that as the washing of sins ochastrated by him wiping your tears away ....twice.
Hey Judy, I like this poem. I think it is funny how events can change your life and you prospective. I recently had a pretty serious accident and found myself appreciating a lot more things that I usually had taken for granted.
Odd thing is, my changes were not a joy to all I interact with. Some wanted the old person back....you can't win I guess.
Ski
This stiry is surely different and surely casues us all to peak into our own rear fiew mirror. What a unique vision. The thought creates wonder in my own mind of how such a thing could happen.
The ending seemed unfinished and abrupt though... overall great job!...SKi
I can relate to this story but only because I am the poor sole sitting home waiting for you to arrive...not knowing where you really are....sure you can feel love for both....but you are cheating both as a true love is a one and only.....otherwise there is no 100 percent......like I said this hits my heart and reminds me of my own wife....and she doesn't know that I know......and I love her 100 percent so I can't let go....I just have to endure the pain everytime she thinks of him....and guess what....the other guy always knows deep down we know your heart is being shared......
Kind of a fair explination of the after life i guess....problem is, I always though it would be grander.....more of a revelation...your view seemed laid back in a way.....I guess some day we will know for sure....Good piece...Ski
What A nice little story...I suspect the teacher know what happened and proved how great of a teacher she was by letting your mom know and allowing her to handle it descretely.... Great piece! Ski
This is a good story. It flowed well and brought the reader gently along for the ride. I found myself quite interested in the plot but a little confused also. I suppose if I had read a prologue, It would have been easier to comprehend some of the sequence.
I do have a minor sugestion; The piece would read easier if you spced between paragraphs and keept all the dialog in individual paragraphs.
Overall very good and you have peaked my interest enough to want to read further... Good Job Ski
Hi, I enjoyed your story and the imagery sent solid visions into my brain. The story flowed smoothly other than the restaurant meeting.....It seems that the dinner was really the ice breaker (intimately) and you skipped over it.....I just feel that would be the moment to introduce intimate conversation, or perhaps some minor touching, to excite the moment.
Overall I liked the piece and would love to read further..... good job Ski
HI, Very vivid imagery....First one I've read on flashbacks..... I don't get the addiction reference though...at least in terms of a compelling desire to continue something you wish you wouldn't.....the flashbacks are more a action that surfaces rather than an event you CHOOSE to participate in... Overall Good writing.. Ski
This is a heart wrenching story that is surely just an overview of the real emotions. I felt my concerns surge as you were treated so poorly by others. I apluuded your reaction when they threatened exposing the relationship....as if that would accomplish anything!
I was disapointed however with the withheld effort at the end. Discounting yourself to hide your talent from others is no different than hiding in the closet.
I can't imagine that it will settle well.
I think you had nothing to lose at that stage and running to your potential would deflate any of their threats. I don't know....I think I would have givin it my all.
I don't mean to prove something to all of them...I just think you shopuld have done it for you...being a runner myself, I see so many poeple that have limited talent (including myself) That I think they would give so much to have a piece of your capabilities...Great job. Ski
Very interesting story... It held my interest through out ...I only wid=shed I had read the previous chapters to clear up some vague spots.... In Chapter 29..."did you know?" I continued. you wrote and then in the next paragraph you wrote I continied again..that doesn't sound right to me?
In the 31st chapter the luetenant called the character Mr. Morris when he had been calling him Morris and then a couple sentences later him called him Rod.....It seemed odd that he would call him Mr. morris.
Somewhere around 50 paragraphs or so you wrote ...Whatever she did or disn't know,she was lying on to me......doesn't sound right, you may want to re-think this sentence.
Overall I enjoyed the whole chapter..very good job... Ski
Hey Tocal girl, This was an enjoyable piece to read...Humor is something I love and you managed to pack a bunch in here.
Have you thought about entering it in the addiction Alley contest? I know it's a bit of a gamble and I can tell by your family that gambling would be out of the question.....but you never know? Great job Ski
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Hi Maris. Very emotional piece. Your veiw of this disorder is very vived and real to me. I have learned so much about the real feelings from reading this. Good job. Though I do hope the inpatient helps.... Ski
Hi Trace, I like this poem. It flows great when read out loud. The message is clear and the emotion strong. I like the metafor with the tree. Good job Ski
Hi Renegade, I like this story, it builds progressively and flows well. I felt I wanted a more vivid decscription of the capture as it was the climax of the story. I was lost a little at the ending. It seems you didn't give enough background to give the ending any meaning unless it was an on going story.
A couple things I noticed you may want to rethink; paragraph 3, ..loud voice thumped at the door, rather loudly. Well you used loud twice which sounds odd to me and also, a voice thumped...it sounds like the voice is physically thumping on the door?
Paragraph five.....As if they were out to get him...weren't they out to get him?
Paragraph six ...... He didn't know how he turned himself into this path as a criminal....This sentence just doesn't seem to work for me the way it is written, maybe he slid toward the path of a criminal?.
Overall, Well done. My comments are merely sugjestions as a reader. Please don't take them as anything but that. Ski
Trace, This is a riviting poem if poeple read it for what it is. The problem today is people see what they want or are expected to see. You are right our society tends to see our short commings instead of our talents....That is one thing that is good about this site, You have the opportunity to show what is inside before people judge your outside...That is when the tru person shines through. I don't really believe in the word handicap, I just think there is too much talk about it. If someone has a problem, physical or mental and they need my help, I will be happy to lend a hand. The thing is they should be putting in effort too. If they want everything done for them and are unwilling to try and help themselves, Well the "poor me" does sit well with me. There are so many people that have huge problems and find a way to do things for them self.... I have much respect for them... Anyway, rambling too much here. Point is, your poem is great as it causes people to think... Great job! Ski
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