First off, let me say, great poem. I could hear the rhythm of it, and I was tempted to read this out loud. :) This was written in a classic poetic style, and I really enjoyed reading it.
Unfortunately, the first four lines really had me scratching my head considering the rest of the poem flowed so beautifully.
For so many years
My alarm awoke me so shrill,
With screams of "Get up!"
And "Get going still!"
"Awoke" is not a word. I can understand using words to maintain the rhythm of the poem, but this made me stop and take notice. As for "still", i understand that still is also used to maintain the rhythm, but the shrill-still rhyme does more harm than good because "Get going still" appears to be an awkward phrase.
I would encourage you to re-edit the first four lines, and make an already strong poem excellent.
First of all, I want to say thank you for asking me to review your poem. Reviews aren't something I really have time for, since I like to go in depth, but I'll take a stab at this and give you my opinion.
The first six lines were good. You not only set the scene, but your description of her dress in lines 7-9 left much to the imagination. How old is the dress? Is it from the 40's? Or as old as 1808? I think more description is wanted here. I also find it disappointing that you didn't say what color the dress is. And why is she wearing pantaloons with a dress?
I advise you to replace 'like' with another term in this poem. It's unnecessary. For example, instead of saying 'like in tunneled vision', you can simply say 'tunnel vision'. 'Tunneled vision' is an incorrect term.
Something you need to correct in this poem is past/present tense. You wrote in present tense through out the entire poem save for the last five lines, which are curiously written as if the whole scene happened a while ago.
Some of your lines are little long. For example, line 14 would look better like this:
And when she steps off the lake and onto the forest floor
The animals are not afraid
It's a suggestion that will make your poem look more polished.
Other than the problems I've listed, the spirit of the story is very romantic. The last stanza especially was sensual and very descriptive, and I liked the subject matter.
I encourage you to keep writing, and here are a few GP's as encouragement.
This was great! I liked the over-all sarcastic sound of this poem. Liberation is usually the number one B.S. excuse imperialistic countries use to invade other countries.
This kind of disappointed me, because you left out a lot of details. The only thing you told about the characters is that they are both male, and I must asume that Aerelnor is also. You gave no location at all. I like the fact that you are trying to create your own world, but you've given me the vaguest slice of it possible. Keep trying!
You have the same problems with this short story that you did with "a relationship unknown", but problems like punctuation, description weren't as bad in this one. Work on finding your voice as a writer. What little description you do use, most people would find "generic", for lack of a better word. I'm sure you can do better. Also, you might want to try capitalizing the title of your stories. A better job than your other short story, but this also needs a lot of editing. Don't give up! Writing is hard, but rewarding work.
You're doing a great job in this series. The suspense is just right. It's kind of like a scary movie where you don't see the monster until the end. The only problems I see with this are punctuation, but other than that, I like!
Very nice. Lots of songs(like the ones I write) are more abstract, but you expressed exactly what you were feeling. "She's ice in the fire's flame". Nice description. I know as you mature, you'll get even better. Keep writing!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 3:24am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
