The pace reminded me of a cat stalking along the sidewalk, hunter and prey in one and the same moment.
I particularly liked the ending, getting a glimps of an inner life where it would be too easy just to write off a character like this as two dimensional. Bravo!
I liked this piece, with a small reservation; it is a great idea and an interesting situation.
I feel, and please remember this is just one dumb Brit's opinion so only worth what you want to attach to it, that it feels a little stilted in places. For instance would he really say "I'm from the moving company and I have an appointment with your mom? Is she available?" it seam's a little long winded, perhaps open with "Hi, is you're Mom in?" then have the little girl begin to interrogate him, "and you are?" she asked crossing her arms, etc.
That aside the writing is good, clear and well constructed. Perhaps think about the flashback section it ran too quickly for me.
Overall a very interesting piece that, as all great flash fiction should leaves a vivid picture and a question in the readers mind..."what happened next?"
I hope this is of help, it is the second of you're awarded reviews from the holding pond. Bravo.
Mike
PS if you ever want to bounce ideas and so forth off another fellow scribbler don't hesitate to ask.
Beautiful, I particularly liked the implied relationship between father and son.
I have only two small suggestions, I might have taken a little more time to describe the world around the frozen tree (unless the word count was a limit) and perhaps reworded the last sentence along the lines of:
The sunlight reflected blindingly from the snow to match the smile on the boys face..
Well something along that line anyway.
This review is part of your award from Arakun and the holding pond competition.
Please remember these are only my personal thoughts; if any opinion causes offence then please accept my apologies, as none was intended.
word count maximum 2000. 1179
Initial impression- An overall look at the piece, what’s good and what’s not A well executed and restrained piece of writing. Nicely done
You write with a real feel for the old man and his culture.
Plot- Flow, logic and pace.
I was right there with you up to the last section.
Setting- Sight, Taste, Sound, Feel and Smell.
Your descriptions are vivid and well crafted, bravo.
Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation-
Other Judges are far better on this area than I so I will leave this to there skills.
Conclusion-.
I liked this story a lot; the only thing that let it down to my mind was the slightly over preachy finale. Whilst I and many others would have a lot of sympathy with your characters thoughts at the end, I think (and it is only my humble opinion) that it is more powerful to just suggest rather than state any conclusions. But hey what do I know?
Please remember these are only my personal thoughts; if any opinion causes offence then please accept my apologies, as none was intended.
word count maximum 2000. 1970
Initial impression- An overall look at the piece, what’s good and what’s not A great piece of writing, It captured my attention and never let it go until the end, Bravo.
Plot- Flow, logic and pace. Plot, logic and flow were fine, pace was superb.
Setting- Sight, Taste, Sound, Feel and Smell.
You took me for a journey into a place that I have never seen and gave me time to look around.
Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation-
Other Judges are far better on this area than I so I will leave this to there skills.
Conclusion-.
Genuinely one of the best pieces of writing that I have read in quite a while, nice one.
This review is part of the Beyond the waters edge flash fiction competition for August.
The prompt for August was to use the following words: windmill, crow, siren, nobody, grouch, sunflower.
Please remember these are only my personal thoughts; if any opinion causes offence then please accept my apologies, as none was intended.
word count maximum 2000. 855
Initial impression- An overall look at the piece, what’s good and what’s not
This is an interesting piece that takes a thoughtful look at the plight of an elderly man. I would suggest that some areas need a little work to raise the quality of the story. For example: “looking at him as though he was trying to picture him younger.” It would be difficult for anyone to guess what he was thinking to that extent. Or. “such as a hang-gliding accident or a fall of the cliff of a mountain” I guess it might be better as “such as a hang-gliding accident or a fall from a cliff or mountainside.”
Plot- Flow, logic and pace.
In a couple of places you contradict yourself and this causes the reader to step out of the story to try to work out what you intended. Example: “there must be at least a hundred different varieties, all of which he hated.” Then, “He did not hate the flowers or the fresh air, but rather the institution itself.”
Setting- Sight, Taste, Sound, Feel and Smell. How they fit into the setting of the piece.
Some of your descriptions are really good, others, I think, need more thought. I sincerely doubt that anyone, even someone desperate, would consider a fiery death as sweet, choking is horrifying and burning is agony.
Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation-
Here I bow to the other judges as this is not my strong field. Conclusion-.
You have some real flashes of talent, if I may give some advice, try writing in a simpler style and concentrating on making the whole piece more coherent within itself.
I enjoyed reading your work, good luck
{/:times} Mike Day {/size:5}
This review is part of the Beyond the waters edge flash fiction competition for August.
The prompt for August was to use the following words: windmill, crow, siren, nobody, grouch, sunflower.
Please remember these are only my personal thoughts; if any opinion causes offence then please accept my apologies, as none was intended.
word count maximum 2000. 759
Initial impression- An overall look at the piece, what’s good and what’s not First of all may I just say Thank you. This was a wonderful piece of writing; I recommend it to everyone who loves good writing. I regret that I cannot offer much by way of advice. All I can suggest is that the first paragraph could perhaps give a stronger indication of place.
Plot- Flow, logic and pace.
Beautifully paced, not overblown or obtuse a truly great piece of writing.
Setting- Sight, Taste, Sound, Feel and Smell. How they fit into the setting of the piece. To me this was the best bit of the work, I could almost taste the wonderful food.
Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation-
I am not the right person to comment on this area, other judges will be more qualified.
Conclusion-.
A great piece of writing that left me smiling and determined to find the time to read more of your work. The best compliment I can give is this, if I had purchased a book of short stories and this was amongst them I would think it money well spent.
This review is part of the Beyond the waters edge flash fiction competition for August.
The prompt for August was to use the following words: windmill, crow, siren, nobody, grouch, sunflower.
Please remember these are only my personal thoughts; if any opinion causes offence then please accept my apologies, as none was intended.
word count maximum 2000. 684 (Count not on the piece)
Initial impression- An overall look at the piece, what’s good and what’s not
There are some very poetic patches in this story that suggest that you may well have talent. It is told in the first person and would, I think, be better off in the third person. If you show rather than tell people will feel more drawn into your story.
Plot- Flow, logic and pace.
There is not a very strong plot, and no significant ending. A story should have some significant event or conclusion to leave the reader with a feeling of completion. I’m sorry to say that if there was one I must have missed it.
Setting- Sight, Taste, Sound, Feel and Smell. How they fit into the setting of the piece.
The piece really did have a feeling of poetry about it; the first paragraph in particular had a taste of real quality. Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation-
I’m not the best person to judge this, I will leave that to my fellow judges who won’t lead you astray.
Conclusion-.
Poetry is a very useful adjunct to writing short stories but only after the basic tools have been applied. I look forward to reading more of your work.
PS I think you might want another word, rather than waylaying, it means to stop or grab hold of something.
Hi, I really liked this piece, it worked really well. The only question I have is the last paragraph, I am probably being a bit thick but how is he catapulted forward? Is it the truck wheel?
I really liked this story, it reminded me of a Twilight Zone story I watched years ago. In that the house wife uses her power for her own gratification as the news in the background goes to hell in a hand basket. It ends with a nuclear missile suspended a few feet above her town square. Very scary.
Yours is a lighter piece and non the worse for it. I like the way it raises the issue that so many people feel that there is not enough time to do all the things that they want to do.
What a great story, a worthy winner, well done. I went through a twister that was cast off by a huricane when we were in Florida on holiday, your description is amongst the best I have ever read, Bravo.
Oh Wow, I entered the same comp but I already knew that poetry was not a skill that I have. But this, this was wonderful. To anyone who happens to read this review. This is a great poem and well worth any amount of time you choose to spend in its company.
I use the word beautiful very rarely in reviews. If a third party is reading this review then I thoroughly recommend this beautiful piece of work. The writer has a deft touch and a deep understanding of how it feels to come home from a hospital and all that it entails.
Beautifully written, it sets the feelings of the young girl in a clear and sensitive frame work. I knew a girl when I was a child who accidentally set fire to her nightdress; some of the kids had a name for her, to me and my friends she was Tracy, but to a bunch of them she was know simply as "Burnt Sausage".
Three decades on your story made me think of her and the sympathy and support that I hope she received.
Thank you so much; I have received quite a few 'kind rejections' and had not realised that they differed from the other standard rejections. I will just keep plugging away.
Hi, as always beautifully written, I smiled the whole way through. This one gave me hope as my daughter and her husband just told me i'm going to be a grandad... I thought that only happened to "old" people.
Sometimes amongst the gravel you find a diamond. Bravo!
I thought this was a truly great piece of work, sorry if this comes over as a bit gushy but you really nailed it for me. The re read is a great idea it really helps to show the depth and quality of your work. I'm going to add you to my favourites list and I guarantee that I will be back to read more.
Sci-Fi has always interested me right from the days of reading John Wyndam and Ray Bradbury and I think either would have been proud of this story.
I really liked this work, it had passion and focus, a truly well writen piece.
My only advice is to revise the last three paragraphs. You need to look at the ending because it wraps up too neatly; there would be a court case and interviews with the authorities etc. Your story is so good it deserves the time to end well.
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