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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/milo__42
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18 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
A review is only how I, as an individual, see your piece. Accept what you agree with, ignore that which you disagree with...


You have asked for help to improve your story. Here is what I would suggest:

Let me get to know the characters. All B. ever did is make and tend a fire. The unnamed narrator made snacks. The little boy had a cleft palate. That's about all I learned.

Please develop the characters, let me know who they are, how they feel and who they are to each other. There is no interaction between characters or between the environment and the characters for me to learn from. There are no attempts to let me know what anyone looks like.

It sounds like you have been to this area before, so I may be incorrect but, I'm from Calgary, I have difficulty believing that it gets dark at 4:00 pm and the lake is not frozen over yet and that there is no snow. Getting dark at 4:00 is winter and that means snow and ice here.

Setting up the isolation of their location earlier in the story would help when the suspense started to build.

I like the general premise, I just want more. I want to know more, see more, and experience more of each character. I want to know what relationship the narrator and B. have that makes the narrator return for fourteen years.

To me, this reads like an essay currently.

If you wish to discuss this further, please reply to this review. I have some grammar and other suggestions if you are interested.


Thanks for sharing your story on WDC and for letting me read and comment on your story.

-Jeff-
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Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Vine1**Flowery**Vine2* Welcome to WDC from me and the "The Newbie Research Center" Open in new Window. *Vine1**Flowery**Vine2*



Hi Hazard Author Icon }, today I am reviewing "Journal of a High School Junior" Open in new Window. from Read a Newbie A review is only how I, as an individual, see your piece. Accept what you agree with, ignore that which you disagree with.

I enjoyed the premise of a junior in high school, reflecting on his school life and of course his love life. The boy is sensitive and is an outsider. He is both jealous of what others have and despondent that he also wants what they have. His perfect match appears out of Chicago and the rest is history.

I am taken back to my own designated time as an outsider, I still feel like an outsider sometimes. The world being defined by or reflected in music also strikes home.

A young man once, I think that a boy's journal would certainly include a more detailed, non-graphic, physical description of Izzy. Izzy seemed to act like a perfectly normal 15-year-old girl. The way that the journal reads, unfortunately so does our boy. I would like to see a bit more "boy" in this character.

I like that what was portrayed in terms of events are real, everyday happenings.

i didn't go over the grammar, spelling and punctuation but if there are mistakes, they do not provide a distraction.

I quite enjoy this fresh way of telling an age old story. I particularly like the fact that the journaler is telling the story from the male point of view. A female point of view would be surrendering to the status quo.

Thanks for sharing a fun read!

Please check out my Port,


Santa Author Icon

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Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Just a small way that even I, as a newbie, can help out.


Thanks,
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4
Review of Sober Siblings  Open in new Window.
Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Winnie Kay Author Icon }, today I am reviewing "Sober Siblings" Open in new Window.. A review is only how I, as an individual, see your piece. Please accept what you agree with, and ignore that which you disagree with.


While I was mostly a “good” kid in school; this story brought back memories of the “bad” kids from my past. The tough guys or rowdy crowd hung out together, skipped school, drank and smoked pot.

*****


Luke and Bennie are those guys in the early stages. The descriptions of their mannerisms, bravado, 6 beer buzz; had me picturing them in the tough uniform of my youth which was jeans & jean jacket. A MacIntosh (Mac) Jacket was optional. The worry that Bennie eventually succumbs to is familiar from the times that I wasn’t being so good. I could feel his nervousness, anxiety and need to resolve the situation. Luke,the overconfident older brother losing bladder control was an interesting and unexpected twist.

*****


I did note a three items that left me unsettled.

"The ding-dong of the doorbell bounced off the walls of the empty rooms..." Why are the rooms empty. Were they physically empty? Is the family moving? Was the intent to show that the house was empty of parents and possibly other siblings?

"Luke plopped the heels of his Skechers onto the coffee table, leaving a muddy smudge." Why were his shoes muddy? Did they actually go out somewhere and then come back home?

It seemed out of character to have a school ditching, beer drinking fourteen year old boy to hug his sixteen year old brother.

*****


This was an interesting read that made me a bit uncomfortable around the "rough" crowd again. You did a good job establishing the characters and stimulating me to react. the three things that I mentioned are easy to resolve should you agree, I quite enjoyed the story. Thanks for sharing it with us.


-Jeff-


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5
Review of Heights  Open in new Window.
Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi 3 out, 5 to go Author Icon }, today I am reviewing "Heights " Open in new Window.. A review is only how I, as an individual, see your piece. Accept what you agree with, ignore that which you disagree with.

I will be the first to admit that I have difficulty reviewing poetry. Your poem was presented when I chose the read and review option. Even though I write poetry myself; I find that I approach poetry reviews with apprehension and fear. Please understand that I honestly do not like reviewing poetry.

I love your poem.

Having lost my mom twelve years ago and my dad this past fall, I’m experiencing strong memories and desire to go back. Your poem hits me to the emotional core.

“You say you can't ever go back, None of us can”
While expressing reality, this conflicts with my desire and causes a welling of emotions. The description of childhood memories, while mostly different than my own, are wistfully familiar and comforting.

The last five lines caused me to really think. They shocked me out of my personal emotional world. They disturb me. To me, they suggest a survivor of abuse. Having a close friend who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse; these last five lines describe a state of mind that she has shared in the past.

“Move onward to the next sequel”
I hate sequels. This line forced me to realize that we are constantly starring in our own sequels. It was quite profound when it hit me, that today I am active in a vignette inspired by yesterday.

“Losing at Truth or Dare, having to eat dog bones which at”
The comma in this line separates truth or dare from dog bones. I am not a punctuation pro but perhaps a semicolon or a hyphen?

“The dessert was to play with your father's pewter soldiers.”
For some reason I found the word “your” stand out awkwardly. I believe the line flows smoother when it is removed.

In summary, this poem moved me enough to write a review, even though I do not like reviewing poetry. It started with a dose of reality; transitioned to childhood memories that triggered my own and then abruptly twisted. It disturbed me; reflecting issues of abuse. As I read and reread your poem; I came to an understanding of the emotions, images, and situations that had been created in my mind. I know that specifically with poetry, the reader creates their own understanding of your work. With that in mind, I apologize if I have overanalyzed or, alternatively completely missed the point you had intended.

Thank you creating my emotional rollercoaster,

-Jeff-

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Review of Checkmate  Open in new Window.
Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi Dave2write Author Icon }, today I am reviewing "Checkmate" Open in new Window. from the Newbie Review Request list. A review is only how I, see your piece. Accept what you agree with, ignore that which you disagree with.

I found this read entertaining. I am glad I checked it out. I will do this differently than my usual review because of the way I feel the story unfolds. I will try to address the story chronologically.

We find two distinct settings in this story. Initially on the top of a 20-floor building; where we meet our main character and Jax. In the first six paragraphs, we learn who Jax is, what he does, and what his general looks. We do not learn even our main character's name until the seventh paragraph. As Jax appears to be a minor character, this should be reversed.

Here are a few samples of the grammar spelling or punctuation issues that I found:

"The wind whipped around me as I watched(,) a small paper cup took (take?) flight over Jax as he knelt motionless off (on?) the twenty story office building."

You wouldn’t know he was an elf unless the wind didn’t blow (blew) the white hair off his pointed ears

You know, Just just because we help each other out every once in a while doesn’t mean I like you”.

There is also the statement that Indigo keeps Jax sane since "they" were thrown through the veil. We never explore indigo, they, or the veil. So why are they mentioned?

At this point, I know Gabriel's name, but I am unaware if he is human or not. As Gabriel is looking for Johann Luther, he contacts friends in the supernatural world but does not describe that world, he also returns to his old homeless haunts but does not explain that world either.

The introduction of Izzy is awesome. The initial description brought to mind an old western schoolmarm. The review of her true nature unfolded perfectly; it is an excellent premise for the story. The back-and-forth between Gabriel and Izzy was enjoyable, but I found myself wishing she was just slightly less formal, maybe a little cheeky even.

"My attitude has nothing to do with logic," she said placing her small purse on the table. This sentence does not appear to refer to anything in this story.

The summoning of Ne’Farus was a great opportunity. A change in the point of view to Izzy's would have made me happier as a reader. Having Izzy explain how Gabriel came to be soaking wet would also be nice.

I'm not sure as a reader, why I am not allowed to know the contents of the silver box. It is another opportunity to provide a back story for Johann Luther.

We do not know the location nor do we have a description of the city we are in until almost halfway through the story, then we get the name Morgan City. The city scene is undeveloped and could be explored to set the tone.

Selene is an interesting character. Again I find myself wanting a back story.

By the time he is in the lounge preparing for Johann Luther, Gabriel has been referred to as a Bloodkeeper five times. We do not know what a Bloodkeeper is or how he became one.

The confrontation with Johann Luther was my favorite part, and I greatly enjoyed it. One of my favorite lines from the scene is “Very good Gabriel that went quite well; he’s going to rip your throat out.”. The description of the mangled and burnt Johann Luther is fun, but I found it somewhat clumsy. Probably the biggest part stuck out was "and it's right appendage missing".

The protection spell is a cool idea. It would be interesting to explore how it works a little more. The phone call with Selene was appropriate. The before and after calls with Selene indicate how important she is to Gabriel, and you should explore their relationship and back story.

I enjoyed the premise and plot of the story. In general, I found the characters believable but underdeveloped. Sorry but to enjoy the story itself, I did have to suspend belief in spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

Overall, I did enjoy the story greatly and would love to see it cleaned up and expanded upon.

Thanks,

-Santa-




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Review of Strain  Open in new Window.
Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This story pulled me to the end. Mmm... Pulled Pork! It was fun to read and I engaged with Lisa almost immediately.

The first sentence felt a little clumsy but the idea of an intelligent virus was awesome!

I want more.

Thanks for your words,
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Review of Umbra's Umbrage  Open in new Window.
Review by Santa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I had a great time; first reading this and then reading it to my wife. This is fun!
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