The rhythm of this piece is fast paced… You state to the reader within your intro: "poetry but I think could be lyrics - what do you think"
Well I personally feel with its current tempo, that this work should be construed as a lyrical piece. But until you the author decides and make the necessary adjustments, your readers will not be able to take your work seriously - or review in accordance.
Change the structure and order of words, include a chorus and display your beautiful words as separated verses... Then you will have a successful product.
You tell a good story, the words flow harmoniously. Give other’s the chance to sing your thoughts.
Hope my suggestions help, and you are not offended. You did ask for the truth.
I know I’m not an expert but I have read and enjoyed all you’re work, both poetical and lyrical. This particular work I feel should be recognised as a lyrical piece. It’s your decision though.
Hello Jane,
Welcome to Writing.Com… the place where you will soon harness an addiction to fiction.
I love the title of this piece; it’s alluring and filled with charm... I like the words you chose to represent your intro: “words setting heart free.” What an excellent depiction and fitting accompaniment to your piece.
You have a good selection of words, some of which are sad but at the same time imposing. I especially like the sentiment and power of your opening sentence:
“Words flow from your lips in whispers” (gives me a warm feeling inside)
I think I may have found a typo in your third verse: (tranquillity, is this supposed to be spelt as tranquillity?) Excuse my ignorance. But, being English, I know we spell things differently. Please ignore my comment if your spelling is correct.
Is this poem written to follow a pattern or particular rhythm scheme? The reason I ask is that I found it quite difficult to verify one. (I’m no expert, hence my first for knowledge) I do have a love for the written word, and of author’s who can manipulate text to their best advantage. You seem to know how to do this wonderfully. The connection with leaves and graves in the last stanza is most powerful; it leaves the reader with a final heart-rending message.
Once again you have managed to write a poem of distinction. What an excellent choice for your subject "Dejavu.” We all have our individual theories relating to this matter. I loved the pace and tone of this poem, it gave it a breezy feel (ran along smoothly without any snags) I found the flow successful manly due to the careful selection of your chosen words.
Favourite verse:
"Have you ever felt a creepy chill?
Crawling up your back?
like icy winds that blow at night
through an open crack."
I think we all have at one time or another! You’ve conveyed those feelings perfectly.
Ahh, this is a beautiful write. You’re stanza’s are so full of emotion. Are you writing this piece from experience? Or is this your brilliant imagination working overtime again? Your writing conveys a powerful mood, tone and graphic feel.
Favourite sentence:
“Forever lifting your golden light,” (Exceptional choice of language.)
I would love to see a collection of your amazing thoughts published into a book of poetry. You really are a creative soul.
This new poem of yours is a wonderful example of the power of expression; it’s a mixture of fantasy and reality with a hint of simplicity that complements the ideals of both.
I don’t know much about poetry, but I feel I may have detected a regular, or almost regular, rhythm. What struck me was the fact that this poem seems to be written in a sequence. I found the syllable count to be a consistent four. (Forgive me if I’m wrong, I’m trying to self teach) If this order of thoughts was intentional on your part, I feel personally, you deserve a pat on the back.
I like the fact that your title appears in your last verse; this is an individual suggestion I find repeatedly in your work. (It’s a good concept to stick with)
Excerpt from Pure White:
“The Earth was quiet
And all would know
The tears she shed
Were pure white snow”
Thank you so much for creating this informative essay. A must read for all those who are often perplexed with the laws of punctuation.
This essay's topical issue highlights the need/use of the dreaded comma. (I love your title by the way: To Comma or Not to Comma, That Is the Question) How easy is it to understand the underlying thought behind that?)
The comma is a very useful little mark. Less abrupt than the full stop, it can be used to mark the end of a clause or phrase within a sentence. It gives the reader a hint that there is more to follow.
Most people understand the preliminary usage for the comma, but there is a tendency to use too many or not enough! I'm guilty of doing both. Therefore, I find this article of yours some what indispensable... a must read.
I like how you have presented the information. You describe the comma's correct usage in a clear and audible light. Your examples of proper and improper comma usage highlight the downfalls of this writing-tool when it’s used excessively, and the advantages in sentence structuring when it’s used correctly I also like the fact that you listed your sources - it finishes the essay on an even professional keel.
I have no suggestions for improvement; I think you have it covered!
A true story, which invites the reader to share with you, your inner thoughts and feelings as you relieve with clarity, the painful hardship of losing your mother. It's very sad that you lost a much loved parent at such a young and impressionable age.
My feelings too, were affected quite badly as I read this piece. I found the scene and setting to be one that I can easy relate too... I also lost my mother at a young age. (It's hard to comprehend)
You have written this piece from the heart, it shows me that you have great strength of character. Pain, can often be a difficult emotion to describe. But I personally believe that you have done a good job, - well you made me cry so I was definitely brought into your thoughts. That to me, denotes you are a good writer.
Well done
Suggestion:
I hope you don't mind me bringing this to your attention? I feel awkward telling you. But I believe it would enhance the appeal of your story.
You have a few lines that seem to display carriage problems; they are a lot shorter than some of your other sentences. I suggest you have a short glance to see where this can be improved. Also from a reader's perspective, I would also suggest separating the text into paragraphs, a lengthy block of text, without patches of white can be a bit cumbersome. It can often prove to be too much of a strain on the reader's eye.
I'm sorry if I have offended you anyway - I can assure you this was not my intention.
I wish you much luck and happiness.
Keep writing
Take care
This poem is sad, moreover, brutal. Unfortunately for many, it’s a true depiction of abuse and its effects, especially from the point-of view of the sufferer.
Your chosen words are very powerful; the reader has no choice but to empathize.
This piece is the consequence of good writing it has an ability hidden within its words to emotionally attach itself to a reader(s)... For inside your words there is a truth that people accept, but will never understand.
I would say the only reason this piece has received fours, as opposed to 5’s. Is for problems with presentation, and not content. If you could devise a way to organise its structure, without omitting the clarity, you will find a formula for success.
I’m sorry I can’t help; this is an area that I also find difficult.
This poem is another fine piece from you! The title is wonderful, and grabs the reader’s attention instantly.
I found this poem to be an easy read. Solely, because, the writing flows fluently; the rhythm and rhythm remains strong and effective throughout – This, only adds fuel to the overall reading pleasure. You have incorporated some wonderful word selections to tell the story you depict in your intro, with the assistance of some powerful images.
Your fifth stanza is my personal favourite, although the whole poem is effective and conveys a comprehensible visual interpretation.
If I have to nick pick. I would say that I stumbled slightly on your first line, of your sixth stanza, with my first read through. I found the poem to be smooth in its transitions up until that point. However, with that said, I found that my second attempt at reading was more successful, I took my time to digest your work, and found that the course of the disturbance was probably me.
I'm going to be off line for a while! But I hope that you will continue to fill your port with more poems of this standard.
Chilling stuff WD, Your writing always scares me!!
As a rule, I don't like horrors, but when I see a public review, for a story of yours. I always, look! Why is that?
This story held my attention from start to the end; the descriptions were excellent, as was the imagery. I personally found that the story was easy to follow, primarily, because the narrative stuck to a strict chronology; therefore, it was easy to digest.
I found that the story was serialised at a noticeable pace. The beginning, middle, and end were tied together within a chain of connected links. The story was unconventional, and somewhat disturbing, especially as it was the child in the tale, who had perpetrated this unthinkable act.
(My shock factor was pushed up to its boiling point. - Steven King has found his successor.)
I found one noticeable technicality which would hinder the reputability of this piece.
And that was the scene where you disclose the parent’s reaction to finding their son with a knife: I find it highly improbable that a parent who had found their small child holding a knife. With intent to harm, would, decide to punish the child by taking away his sweets! I’m sure the issue would warrant a much stronger and more characteristic reaction…I would be frightened beyond belief if I saw my child wielding a knife in their hand, especially, when accompanied with a disturbed look!!
Overall, I enjoyed the story. Does that make me deranged? I found the story to be original and imaginative. The writing was sharp and precise; it told “me” that it wanted to be read.
Excellent rhythm scheme...the rhythm and flow is consistent through out. Your choice of words are perfect for the overall feel and tone of the poem. I love the title; it's a perfect accompaniment to your piece.
My favourite verse, is your second:
"Fly South little birdies and sing your song,
but remember to return when the days grow long.
Big bear in his cave, little frog in the mud,
sleep my friends until the flowers bud."
This is a charming story,which,I enjoyed reading immensely.
I love the title;it's a fitting accompaniment to your tale.
The writing flows fluently. The narrative is easy to pursue;and develops at a realistic pace.
I like the name of the antagonist in this story. The idea behind it is one of originality. As is, the underlying thought that prompted you to create it in the fist place...Well done.
overall, I found this to be a good read; even though the culmination of this piece is portrayed amongst sadness. If anything, this adds a subtle hint of flavour, and highlights the appeal of your work.
Well done for acting on this so quickly! London is in carnage, the scenes which are unfolding before my eyes are devastating. This is a terrible thing to happen...When are these terrorist attacks going to end! America, England. Who's next? What atrocities will transpire in the near future?
I'm sitting here shaking; my sister works in one of the targeted areas (Liverpool Street). Liverpool Street has suffered fatalities due to the controlled explosions. I've been phoning her mobile phone constantly, trying to ascertain her whereabouts...So far, I have only received word from her answer service.
I can only hope, that she and her husband - who also works in the vicinity are both okay.
Along with many others I am frightened for her safety.
I have just found your beautiful song...with 139 reviews/ well 140 now.
It's hardly surprising this piece has attracted so much attention. It's a great representation of rhythm and metre, structured around lyrical verse. I swam in the ambience you created...I would love to hear these lyrics accompanied by music. It would be an appropriate end for such a wonderful piece.
This lyric flow effortlessly without any snags, the words are cleverly selected and offer the reader an enjoyable and stimulating read.
I found this piece in your port unrated! What a shame, no others have seen this little poem of beauty. I find your work to be very entertaining; and a pleasure to read. Although this poem is one of brevity it does not deter from the fact that this poem is capable of knocking out the big boys! This poem although succinct, is full of substance; and for me personally, is a representation of how poetry should be articulated…no matter how small!
Such beautiful words highlighted by sorrow, your mother in law must have been one special and unique lady, to write a piece of this significance; knowing fully well that they were created with an intentional purpose… To be read silently at her very our funeral. What a courageous and inspirational spirit. Her courage shines through in the structure of this beautiful poem! She certainly left her relations with a priceless heirloom...Her passion and enthusiasm for life!!
My review is one of comfort… I’m not writing this review to tell you how to express your painful and life changing experience... although I am definitely not a stranger to the pandemonium of cancer. I realise we all have our own individual heart-rending story to tell. Furthermore, we communicate using different writing styles. I have chosen to express my pain and frustration with a poetic voice; your piece is articulated through prose. Your footnote is a poignant message of love and even though you may not realise. It invites the reader to share your sadness
A great piece, which is written with feeling, you convey your sadness with a loud and distinct voice
The End of Time...the abscence of all...what a Title and Intro...people often neglect the title when they are reviewing. It warrants a remark for it is a unique creation too. One that often requires quite a bit of thought, I think personally you have made a great choice here, it's a perfect accompaniment to your piece. Your actual poem is crafted to a very high standard also.
I’m not sure if I have spotted a typo or not…I know you like to write words differently to us English
You have spelt abscence in your title above…which I haven’t touched! I just slapped that paste on…..I thought it was actually spelt absence. I could be wrong. That’s why I left it alone.
This is a great idea to promote consistent reviewing practices!
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you all personally. For the recent contributions made on behalf of the group, to my individual GP account.
I’m sending 1000 Gps, as a small token of my appreciation. I sincerely hope, that other Writing.Com members realise the importance of this incentive, and in turn. Continue to promote this novel idea of yours.
Wow, what an intellectual poem which is filled with individuality, and an expression of free will.
You provide a suggestion to the reader in the last stanza, but it is clever, and leaves the reader to contemplate their own unique conclusion...It leaves the reader with gentle reflective thoughts.
I personally feel that this was a prime example of how an acrostic should be written!
You had a very large prompt. But you successfully tell a story keeping within the constraints of the poem. It flows eloquently; and the rhythm and rhythm is consistent throughout.
I admit that I am no expert. I have just started writing poems of this style myself. However, I would have been very proud of my efforts if I was the proud owner of this particular piece!
Coming from England, I do not fully understand the reasons or targets set for the American Children's Organisation that your essay is aimed at!
However, I know enough to know that this is a subject of obvious importance to you.
Your strong views come across loud and clear and you convey your points effectively.
Your writing is very powerful. However, being that I am on the other side of the water I could not possibly know how the organisation is run. All I have is your writing as a judge! Therefore, I can’t possibly comment on the truthfulness of this piece
I do know. However, that your writing is expressed with feeling; you have chosen some very powerful words to convey your thoughts!
You must have done some fine research for this piece, as you seem to have an awareness of the subject matter!
I found a few typos:
"Money is than distributed throughout the organization to lawyers, judges, court personal,"
I think you should have wrote THEN instead of THAN
(Also)
noone unveils the truth{c/}
A space is needed in-between noone… no one
You could possibly rearrange your paragraphs slightly - they are a bit cumbersome!
I feel it would be received in a more favourable light.
Nice work
Tracy
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