\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mjones
Review Requests: OFF
40 Public Reviews Given
43 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
amaiyaamir ~

This poem of yours did bring out a lot of emotions in me. Hurt and pain, yes, but a lot of anger, too. Title is good, though it could also be "Nobody Sees."

First stanza: Feels to me as though it needs to read, "nobody's listening ANYWAY..." or something like that.

Second stanza: "They look in my eyes
Yet they cannot read it
They can't see the hurt.
The depression, the anger
I really want to talk
but the words seems trapped
afraid of the shame"

"Eyes" is plural, but "it" is singular. Be consistent.

I would also recommend some further punctuation in the poem. For instance: "They look into my eyes, yet they cannot read them."

Also, I wonder why you used the third person in most of the poem, but first person in the first and last stanzas...did you do this on purpose? I'd go with one or the other.

Very good, overall, though.

Thanks for entering the contest.

Mary
2
2
Review of The Ghost of Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Autumn~

Gee, it's funny how a poem can be written from one place in our life and end up in another, isn't it? Happens to me all the time.

I really felt the emptiness of this poem, good job getting me there.

In stanza four, I was a bit confused about who the "you" is that the speaker hates. Family? Friends? For ignoring him/her? Or, is it her/himself he/she hates? A little clarifying might help.

In the third line from the end: "My job. family. and friends." -- Did you use this punctuation intentionally? If so, I don't know why. If not, I think it could use some fixin' up.

Overall, a very sad poem -- regarding your entry of it in the "Active Emotion Contest," well -- you chose the right venue for showcasing it.

I've spent many a day in nursing homes myself and this really does hit the nail on the head. Take a look at my poem, {bitem: 1007648} for another look at the old and senile. It is about my Mom, an Alzheimer's sufferer. Very short.

Nice job with this. Write On! and enjoy the WDC birthday bash!

Mary
3
3
Review of Item Statistics  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow. This is an extremely helpful article about a resource that I didn't even know existed. Linking the sample statistics is really helpful in following the item-by-item explanation of how to read the statistics. Between this article and the one on the WDC "site" statistics, members have just about everything we need in order to determine who is reading our material and how to better promote it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain all this very complicated information in detail.
4
4
Review of Brother  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Arismeir~

This is powerfully emotive. This very short piece says so much with so few words. Your reader knows how hopeless these soldiers feel, yet at the same time hopeful for the lives of one another. We see the empathy for the fallen "step" brother, if you will, and the response of he who has fallen. We also know how the speaker feels about the war -- not just that "war is hell," but that those who participate are doomed to that realm, as well.

Good job.

One little nitty thing: You might consider writing the poem without the words: "I approach," and go straight into "I quench his thirst..." Just seems a bit more personal sounding to me. Other than that, this is a very well-written piece and I really like the economy of it.

Bravo!

Mary
5
5
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a wonderful tutorial on reviewing. I'm so glad I read it. My reviews have gone against theses suggestions many times so far, and I'm very pleased to have this guide.

Thanks for taking the time to put it together.

Mary
6
6
Rated: E | (1.5)
Wow. I was just browsing through some of the reviews for the last couple of days and saw the review (#43) by T. Teffom of "Pyromantic" (created by Tillkiller -
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1005539 by Not Available.
).

Sorry, but I think this is a really harsh, DIScouraging, and DISrespectful review. I know that honest reviews are important, but whew. If I received a review like this, I'd probably put my tail between my legs and find a place to hide.
7
7
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Reices~

Beautiful, haunting poem -- and message -- here. I feel conflicted, however, that the speaker wants the mourners to:
"receive the cruelty of life
With a chill on their spine."

If having your reader feel this conflicting emotion, then Brava! You have accomplished your goal. But, if not, then I, as a reader, would want to know why the speaker would want the mourners to feel this way?

Other than that question/issue (which depending on your goal, may not even BE an issue), the poem is very well written and evokes a cold, lonely feeling. I can feel the neverending rain.

Mary
8
8
Rated: E | (3.5)
Woman~

Thank you for your kind remarks regarding my poem, "Forget Not, Friend" {bitem:1003351). I appreciate your opinion. Knowing how very, very important feedback is to me, I offer mine to you, in return.

Here are my comments on your poem: "A Place Where I Belong."

Generally: the piece almost made me cry. It certainly made me angry. If that is the effect you were looking for, great job! The simplicity of the language works very, very well with the voice of the speaker. Nicely done.

Specifically:

(1) I would insert a semicolon here

(2) I would insert a period here.

(3) I believe that "deadbeat" is one word; check on it in a dictionary.

(4) Insert comma here

(5) I would change this phrasing, "now we are sleeping in a shelter, leaving before the morning sun"

to the following:

"Now we sleep in a shelter,
leave before the morning sun."

(6) I would change this phrasing, "While other kids go to school to learn, I go to school for the free lunches served."
to the following:

"While other kids go to school to learn,
I go for the free lunches. (Means the same thing; omits unnecessary information and words.)

(7) There should be no apostrophe in the word "Teachers" for the following reason: the apostrophe denotes possesion -- as in "The teacher's pet (i.e., the pet of the teacher)," or "The teachers' lounge (the lounge belonging to the teachers)". The way you're using it should denote only plurality, i.e., more than one teacher.

(8) This usage of the word, "too," is spelled incorrectly. As you have it, it means "toward," not "also."

(9) I would change this phrasing, "You would be to if you had to sleep on the street tonight."
to the following:

"They don't know that I have to sleep
on the street tonight." This is active voice; puts your reader in your speaker's head.

(10) I would add the words "for us" here.

(11) Same usage problem here with "spirits" as in number (7) above (but opposite). You have used it to mean "the (ONE) spirit that belongs to the mother, i.e., "Her spirit is," or, "Her spirit's." Proper usage here would be "...keeps her spirits high."

(12) Regarding the next-to-last line/phrase: "is that she still me and our love." ??? Do you mean...is that she still loves me? That she loves me? That we have our love? This is unclear, just clean it up a bit.

(13) I can't really tell you why, but I don't like the contraction here. I would say "That is..." rather than "That's." Silly me.





I'm standing on a corner holding
my mother's hand worried about,
where we are going to sleep tonight.

We have no family(1) we're all alone(2)
My father's a dead-beat(3) who probably
forgot that I was even born.

My mother lost her job(4) then our home.
(5)now we are sleeping in a shelter,
leaving before the morning sun.

While other kids go to school to learn,
I go (6)to school for the free lunches served.

Teacher’s(7) wonder why I'm so stressed out,
You would be to(8) if you had to sleep
on the street tonight.(9)

My mother is trying the best she can,
to find a job and a place(10) to stay.
All the doors keep getting slammed
in her face.

One thing that keeps her spirit's (11)high,
is that she still me and our love. (12)
That’s(13) something money cannot buy.
9
9
Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
LaMour~

Very nicely done! Reminds me a lot of John Donne. I know you're a Newbie on the site, but from the quality of your poetry, I'm sure you're not a newbie to writing. However, just in case you haven't seen it, I would refer you to Donne's sonnet: Batter My Heart, Three Personed God. You can probably find it easily by a websearch.

Easy to see how you feel about your faith from this short piece. Hang in there. The battle has just begun!

Take care, and Write On!
10
10
Review of A Happiness Spell  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great job on this (even if it WAS a forced writing project!)

All the things we need in life, all wrapped up neatly in a poem of only 63 little words.

Well done, indeed.

Mary
11
11
Review of Change  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A wonderful poem about friendship (and, I think...grieving). Moving away is awfully hard to do, especially for the young. A great topic to write about.

You are very descriptive here, telling your reader exactly what this house and yard look like to our speaker. Peeling, like her heart. The color is no color at all, really, now just like mud. Loved the phrase: "giant chocolate milk cow that got sick." Why can't I ever think of really great phrases like that? And the "pumpkiny orange bedroom" -- ugh, ghastly.

You can feel the friendship and camaraderie between these two, clearly, by the language you used to describe their actions and reactions: made a sad face at me, pouting, best-friend grin (love that one!), squeezing me tight.

Well done, well done, indeed!
12
12
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think this is a really terrific idea. For those who don't take the time to review others' work, getting points might just be the incentive they need to get in there and "get 'er done!"

Being the hungry and needy little birds we are, we writers, we are sustained only by feedback. Good, bad, or indifferent, it doesn't really matter, as long as we get it.

But...as with anything else in life, one must give before one can receive.

So, guys...let's get reading and reviewing for each other. Take the time, make the time, every day. You just might read something that teaches you something, or touches a lonely place in your soul.

Thanks, with appreciation, for this Daily Reward Program.

Mary

http://Writing.Com/authors/mjones
13
13
Review of The Human Stain  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Buddy~this is a powerful topic and I believe that your handling it it in such a terse way was the best one. Always do spell check, though -- even if you don't think you have misspelled anything. "Thief" is "i before e, except after c." :)

Mary
14
14
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a powerful set of lyrics. You hit all the right "buttons" for getting that point right to the nerves of we over-indulgent and not-always-generous Americans and Europeans. I would recommend that in the following stanza:

Do you know a child
That will get up to play?
What if they died before tonight?
In the third world children are piled,
For thousands die every day,
And poverty is their daily plight.

you CONSIDER changes as follows:

1)Line 3: omit the word "before" in front of the word "tonight"

2)Line 5: change the word "For" to "And"

And, in your chorus, although I understand your usage of "buds," I'm not sure I'm crazy about it.

Hope this helps. Nice job.

Mary
15
15
Review of Thinner  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow. This is a very, very, powerful poem (and message!). I had a viscereal reaction to it, gut-punched, in fact. You really have a gift for "telling it like it is."

Great job.

Mary

P.S. I hope your speaker is not our author. If so, please, please, get some help immediately. Plenty of help is out there for those who seek it. If not, please forgive my audaciousness.
16
16
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Megan, this is a WONDERFUL children's story. Lots of great detail (descriptions of the animals and the children -- the nun's habit, etc.) which really brings the story to life. It's exciting enough to keep a child's interest (especially the dog treeing Tigger), yet not scary enough to bring on night terrors. Lots of love and affection in it, and still it's realistic ("You will have to find another girl," etc.) as well. I am going to print out this story right now and read it to my 6-year old grandaughter the next time I see her. She is a cat lover (her cat's name is Cozette) and will get a really big kick out of this story, I know. You thinking about publishing it? You should! Brava!

Mary
17
17
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great post with lots of useful suggestions for promoting (i.e., plugging) our work. I especially like the one about adding the Writing.Com portfolio link to all emails we send out, as well as the one about printing the URL on business cards.
Hmmm...how about those bulletin boards at schools, in work rooms, supermarkets, etc.???

Thanks for the article, I found it very useful.

Mary
18
18
Rated: E | (5.0)
I LOVE your rating system. I am a brand-new member and not only will it help me rate others' work, it will help me evaluate my own prior to submitting it here or elsewhere. Bravo! And thanks.
18 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mjones