ok . . . you're a new poet. i can tell, lol. it's not bad, as far as it goes, but try reading it aloud. your rhyme scheme is very basic a little sing-songish & irregular & i'm not sure why. for example, the 1st 2 stanzas are aaba &aacc. the first stanza especially reminds me of twinkle, twinkle, little star.
the first 3 stanza are very blah for me, personally. however the last 2, especially the very last get very interesting for me. although i'm not entirely certain where you're going with it.
"your first escapade" implies more are coming & yet language of the last stanza seems to be about death & i think that conflict and ambigiuty something i'd like to see more of.
i know this may seem harsh, but it isn't intended that way at all & i've had people shred through my work, picking it totally apart & i don't mean to do that to you. i would have passed by without comment, except for the last stanza. the rest of it seems to be more about an idea of what poetry should be, but at the very end, i thought i saw something original, your voice as a writer emerging & it's something i would like to see more of - because that is poetry.
this . . . i really, really enjoyed. it's very evocative . . . nostalgic, wistful and sense of magic to it. paragraphs 5-10 were by far my favorites, the language perfectly sums that day we begin adults and lose our sense of wonder & narrator is fully aware of that fact, even as it's beginning to fade away into mere fantasy. an excellent read.
for me? this poem lacked a little bit of a spark, it seems more like straightfoward prose than poetry. i would have prefered to have seen more layering, metaphors as opposed to similies. the part that really kinda bothers the most is lines 14-16. instead of writing mere descriptions, i really would have liked your poetry to have somehow invoked that feeling - the whole "show me, don't tell me" concept.
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