Wow, disturbing! Now one of my favorite shorts, would love to see it in print
but still not perfect.
I think it would be perfect if you cut out ALL adverbs. Then never use them again. Your prose is something else then your adverbs are like hitting an eject button. They tell me you aren't confident your prose has done it's job. The only way they are ok is if you must stay under 1000 words on this one.
Also, watch you charachter attribution. There is a part where the angel coos or purrs or something. How bout if he just says it? Again, let your prose tell us how he said it!
First chapter feels rushed. I felt like I was reading a short story and the author wanted to cram too much in. The rushing also seemed to cause the characters to act in unrealistic ways.
Read Elements of Style by Strunk and White.
People should never 'spit' words, they should just 'say' them. Use prose to tell me how he said something instead of cheapening your work with poor dialog attribution.
Good start, needs a rewrite with a style manual in hand.
Beautiful. Definitely elevated my mode, both spiritually and emotionally. Like the Nove Otto but didn’t like the double usage of the word “grace” for your c line ending, it was jarring enough that I noticed and looked back to see how many times you had used it. Gave a 4.5.
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