This has been incredibly, unbelievably fun! I'm probably hijacking most of the story with my posts, as they are about as long as everyone else's posts combined, so I'm not sure if anyone else is enjoying it. But every few hours, I keep checking this site to see if it's my turn. And every time it is, I throw myself into it. Thanks for creating this campfire. And sorry I keep taking it over.
Regards,
Mr Z
P.S. I'm trying my damnest to steer my own posts toward the "He-Men" direction, but it seems I keep glorifying and baddassifying the female characters in spite of myself. I'll try and figure out some way to tone it down.
My ratings are as follows: 1 is lousy, 2 has some merit, 3 is good, 4 is excellent, and 5--because I have given 5 stars to writings that weren't worthy and ended up regretting it--5 stars I will from now on as a general rule never give.
However, nothing is certain when it comes to my reviews and preferences. In fact, the one thing unquestionably certain is this: unless you're Shakespeare or God, I'm going to have some problems with your writings. Sorry.
Mr Z
Imagery: This poem was filled to the brim with one image after another. It fits the theme, as you are trying to bring together as many examples and illustrations of your idea as possible. I like it. In fact, I love it! The time clocks gauging men's desires and the homeless men at Wall Street staring at the rich. You have powerful imagery. Good job.
Meaning and purpose: I love that you wrote a political poem. When I read a poem and ask myself, "why would someone write this?" I rarely end up able to answer my own question. Yours on the other hand, ("inside his flag draped box,") was as different to them as night to day. Thank you for this breath of fresh air in what I otherwise consider a room stuffed with the odor of drama.
Rhyme and Rhythm: Good work. The only problem I had was with lines 17 and 18. "Dickie is counting" could be changed to "Dickie counts" and "Justice he blatantly mocks" doesn't flow well.
And it would work better rhythmically if "Kenny is" was changed to "Kenny's" and the "is" on lines 3 and 4 were removed.
Other than that, good work. I like that you had a rhythm and rhyme. It really made the piece flow. I also like that you changed the rhythm on the last 2 lines because it feels like it emphasizes those lines particularly.
Overall: 4/5. Excellent
This is beautiful. I really like political writings to begin with, and the ability to read a political piece that is a poem, that contains rhyme and rhythm is a triple delight. What's more, I like your sing-song style for this piece; it portrays the tone of the poem well and offers a great contrast rhythmically to the last two lines, which break step. I like this because the contrast between the last two lines and the rest of the poem is crucial to the poem's message. In other words, you nailed it.
Good job,
Mr Z
P.S. I would appreciate feedback on my review so as to improve my reviews in the future. Thanks.
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