Oh my! Such a chilling story. I like how you've taken the boogeyman under the bed to a new level without making it sound cheesy. Very nice work. The only problem I found with your story was I found it a little difficult to connect with the child and to be honest I'm not completely sure why. I don't know if anyone would agree with me. It could just be me. I connect better with first person but your story wouldn't be the same if it was written in first person. I guess an example would be the way he looked at himself in the mirror, would a child have so many thoughts that sounded so adult? When the scenes began to focus on him specifically, it all felt so big without making him seem small. Does that make any sense? Of course, overall I think the story is wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
LOVE IT! Excellent work. Beautiful imagery, you really took me inside this wonderful new world with your descriptions. I'm not so fond of keeping this far fetched secret from the girl hidden another world (simply because it's been done so much) but if it works with this story so be it-- it sounds fascinating! Keep up the good work!
Dang.... powerful stuff and so very sad. Very imaginative. You know, a girl who saw the world in colors would make for a very interesting novel. Great work! Thanks for sharing.
Hi. Thanks for sharing! It excited me that this is your first attempt at writing fantasy and I think you did it really well! However, I would have liked a bit more content to truly understand or have some idea of what's going on, especially since you've labeled these as chapters one and two. The chapters were fairly short and I have no clue what it's about or what to expect but I'm sure since you just started that you'll add more and I'd love to read more. A few parts confused me simply because I felt like the scene wasn't fully developed, such as, when he came to get his key and the next thing I knew they were going to an office close to hers. Especially since she hadn't seen him in a year. If they worked together why would he be gone for a year? I was thinking maybe the key was for a locker or something. Then the conversation between Gil and Ace I had a little trouble keeping up with who was saying and doing what... it sort of flowed together. If you were more descriptive of the characters and their surroundings I think it would be awesome! For me, that was about it and I hope it helps. Good Luck!
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