This is a really great story. I found the beginning a bit slow but it built up and, towards the end, became very funny. I was half expecting them to start up their own reality show for the cash (finally some reality tv i'd consider watching). Having said that, your punctuation and grammar are a bit off which can be annoying to read. It might be worth going through and rethinking where you've placed commas and the like. In the last paragraph particularly, it might be best to add a sentence like "but that's not what happened" between sentence three and four, or even just start sentence four with the word "but". the way you have it currently sounds a bit abrupt. A really enjoyed this. The story is well belanced between action and character and the ideas are fun. good work!
This is a cute little story and i can visualise the images that would go along with the questions of what a catfish might look or act like. The beginning is a bit awkward though and i think changing the tense might help so that this is a reflection of when Andi went fishing with her dad. you could also lose the surrounding story of Andi altogether and just focus on what a catfish is. All in all, it's a good idea but it needs some work and deffinitely needs to accompanying pictures but good job!
The idea is good but the it's hard to read. It's very poorly punctuated and the grammar is all off. Especially early on, what you've writen isn't in proper sentence form and when that many fragments are used the writing seems disjointed so it's hard to get swept up in the piece. The description used is good but it sometimes feels like you're telling rather than showing so it can read a bit like lists. Also, there is a fair bit of unnecessary information. For example, your readers don't need to know that it was 31 degrees especially if your reader (like me) is used to celsius rather than fahrenheit: in which case 31 degrees is fairly hot. Deffinitely keep working at it and improve on your written skills.
The twist at the end was really well done. You could probably work on describing the psychical attributes of your characters in more exciting ways than hair/eye colour, build. Just as an example, you could say something like "Pete was ripped while Melvin just rippled when he walked." it alluded tothe difference in build, that Pete is fit while Melvin is overweight. Have fun with it and keep writing!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mundeity
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:05pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.