I enjoyed reading this piece. I think it was a little distracting with the third stanza not aligned with the first two stanza's but it didn't stop the flow of the piece. Was this done for artistic reasons?
I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors, and I would love to read some more of your work. Keep up the good work.
I enjoyed this work of literature. I think it had almost no grammar errors and I didn't find any spelling errors. I did think the third line of the first stanza might be better read as "I hear the silence of a snowflake's fall," but overall this was an enjoyable piece. Keep up the good work!!!
Interesting because black is a cool color. I am a photographer sometimes, and the reason I wear all black outfits is so I don't show up in a reflection of a photograph that I took. Black absorbs light...which is another cool thing to know.
I love the writing you are doing...it is very good...and thought out. I think you might want to run it through spell check...not that hard..and should be standard for most writers...all of us sometimes make typos...
I think the concept is great...you can capitalize the first letter in each line...or separate it by stanza or theme....but overall great idea.
I think you might want to rethink...or rework the last few lines...
starting at "but because you, a huge chunk of my heart is no longer around for me to wrap my arms around you....." I think this line needs to be restated differently. I wouldn't start the line with "but" as a personal choice...just drop it. Maybe go to just "I never want the day to come..." and the same with the line "but because you..." I just drop the "but".."Because you ...."
I hope you keep up the good work...writers can say it in poetry as well...
Very nice imagery, I love the use of colors, and the images of exotic fish swimming in the garden of the sea. I love the movement of the kelp beds, and I love the coral reefs that I have seen in the Caribbean swimming, snorkeling, and in aquariums. If I were to do anything to this poem, I would maybe expand it a little...use lots of imagery...and keep up the good work.
Writing a poem is an easy way to ease into writing more structured types of pieces. Prose can flow in any method you want...free thought to a structured Haiku...it is all up to you...so the structure itself of this piece seems to be free form prose in a poetry form. I always look for grammatical errors, spelling errors, little things before getting started..the only thing I think that stood out was my self instead of myself...not a biggie...just run it through spell check and you'll be fine.
Content from your writing..was very solid..."cursed with violence, and gifted with sorrow"....that one line is the best line of the piece...it is what you are writing from and about....very good starting point. The next point is when you support this with more information...you drug or did drug and created the problems that you experienced in life."I gave my self this unsatisfied life" is the next progression of the writing...which then is supported by "How I hold my regret on the sleeve of my shirt..." "I cannot undo what I have done"....your writing seems to be logical and have a lot of content to it...you might want to rework a section or two maybe if you are trying to make it a poem that you read out loud...your reader does this in his mind when he reads this...and if it sounds like it doesn't flow, then it could be reworked with a single word or syllable...but I enjoyed reading this. Good job and keep up the writing...
Soooo Sad!!!! Many of the writers that I admire have this fatalistic flaw in their world view that sometimes surfaces in their writing. Waldo Emerson, Henry Thoreau...and much of it came from the existentialism of the writing movement at that time. Your poetry was moving...and poignant. I like the simple structure...nothing too verbose...sometimes a good poem is a skeleton...a basic structure of grammar...verb, subject, object of the verb....and this is a good example. You could make it flow just a little easier in the last section...instead of "IT is no wonder" which is a passive tense of the verb is...make it just "No wonder..." and instead of "IT is no anomaly..." use "No anomaly..." using an implied subject of the sentence..."IT" makes it flow easier....very good otherwise....
Transitions, in this story, are important. They transfer a reader's attention from one setting to another, and from one period of time to another. I love the feel of this piece, you have a nice flowing style of writing that makes reading it very easy. I would say the only thing I would probably critique is the transition, and that is probably due to the brevity of writing time...but it still is very good. I sometimes stumble with character dialogue, but you seem to handle that with no problem.
The transition between the second and third sections of the story seem to be a little abrupt...you are telling about the healing horse, and the place the child plays with her horse, but you don't tell how the girl gets there. We(the reader) assume she is transported...and the teacher with the child, but adding that little detail might make the transition a little easier for the reader.
I liked reading this piece and thought it was well written, and wish you the best in your writing. keep up your good work...
I think this is a really strong and adult type genre...so it isn't exactly for the 4th grader...so I have to say this rating should be 18+. I don't know if the conflict in the story is really well defined...is it about obesity? being held captive...a victim versus her captor? I think I would try to define the story conflict a little better...once you know the conflict you can see things start to fall into order...and the ideas start to flow...and it makes a better story. Make sure you use the active voice...active verbs...not passive. I would probably rework this story...but I think if you want to define this as a writing that you going to develop...you may want to develop some sort of flashback...how did the teenagers end up in this situation? What was the memory of their abduction? Were any law enforcement involved? I have to be honest...my personal opinion is that I am uncomfortable with the general subject matter...so my review may be biased as well. Keep writing...and working on building your vocabulary....and best wishes.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/namowrimo2014
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 5:30pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
