Although I'm left wondering precisely how the house disappeared (I'm a sucker for action and drama), it really isn't important to the story. We got a brief look at a family coming together to face a crisis. It's wonderfully written- no technical issues that I can see, and the formatting does not interfere with the piece's readability.
The one passage that bothers me reads thus:
“I can’t believe it is gone. [b]As if it vanished, like it never even existed[/b].” Dad talking now to our nearest neighbor, Durgin.[/i]
I feel as though having both 'as if it vanished' and 'it never even existed' is somewhat jarring and redundant. It might sound more natural to only use one? Either work perfectly to convey his disbelief.
That one gripe aside, I loved this piece! It was well-written and even a bit moving. Well done, my friend.
A character review for a character review, eh? Perfect.
I'll start by saying I appreciate how concise this piece is. Although you remind the reader perhaps more often than is necessary how difficult Joe's life has been, you do an excellent job conveying how it has shaped him over the years. The setting details concerning the bus and its surroundings are just right, not too sparse or overbearing. Helping us develop our understanding of Joe with some reflection on his past activities (self-educating) rounds him out as a strong, self-sufficient- if cynical- young man. I'm intrigued as to where he'll be going on his journey to find stability.
Well, you've left me at a bit of a loss. Normally I start out with technical gripes, but in this case, I don't have any! No spelling errors that I picked up on, and this being a poem, you can't really get picky about sentence structure or grammar.
I very much enjoy the picture this paints in my head. A massive, labyrinthine bookstore might not be entirely practical, but in its own whimsical way promotes the very idea behind reading stories: to become lost, to become someone or something else for a time. It helps that this particular new world comes with its own background music player and mystical creatures!
You've got some lovely language use going on here- striking a balance between simple and flowery. Eloquent, perhaps? You convey your meaning without getting muddled up in purple prose. Clear and easy to grasp.
All in all, excellent work, Fyn. I look forward to more!
Let me begin by saying- bravo, sir! This is a truly moving piece. Everything comes together quite nicely in terms of the narrative; I never found myself wondering which time period I was in/who was talking, and your descriptive passages cut a clear distinction between the pair of friends in conversation and Mike's memories of his childhood.
While I generally make sure to address technical issues first (spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc.), there don't seem to be any here. This is clearly a polished piece, one you've put your heart and soul into, and it very much impresses.
My primary problem with the work is also one of my favorite elements: the dialogue. While it all flows quite naturally, especially Moses' written phonetics, an equestrian layman such as myself can get lost in some of the terminology (sawbuck? won his race by 5?). This doesn't really detract from the quality of the story, since you can usually make a decent guess as to a term's meaning based on context, but it is somewhat distracting.
In short, well done, and thank you for sharing, sir. I enjoyed this piece immensely!
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