Hello! Thanks for posting this.
The reason I chose to read this is because it's a situation I can identify with, and I was curious about how you would tell it. And just as a note, in your short description under the title, give yourself more credit.
I liked that through the story we were able to feel how Phillip was feeling, especially the frustration. Also, the description of the environment, especially the distinctly different shop/office setting in the beginning. The ending was good for me, because it reinforced my belief that everything happens for a reason.
There were a few punctuation/wording things I noticed that could be tweaked and I'll note them below:
-"Mike responded with, (add " here) Hey dude, how’s it going?”
-"I fail (fell) asleep that night in my recliner..."
-"I had done a (delete 'a') short order cooking..."
-"I felt pretty good, (delete comma) leaving the diner(insert period) Then as I (add 'was') walking out; (delete semicolon) I held the door..."
Thanks for letting me review this, and I hope it helps!
Nikki
Hi Madelyn,
I usually try to give some reason as to why I pick a particular item to read. Sometimes it's the genre or something I can relate to. This one, I clicked it because you wrote to, underneath the title. Eh, it worked
I liked reading it and made sure I couldn't see the ending at the bottom of my screen so it wasn't spoiled before I got there. I liked wondering what could be so many things.
A couple notes to polish it up a bit:
-"a smile to (too) wide to fit your screens..."
- be sure to have the same number of spaces after punctuation (. and ,)
It's been a while since I've studied poetry, so I can't give much input in that regard.
Thanks for letting me review it!
Nikki
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello - thanks for posting this item, I enjoyed reading it.
A couple things I want to note that I noticed as I read it...mostly regarding clarifying the action that happens.
-"...should have told her the identity of the newcomer": She should have known, but I don't know who it is based on the description of him. (You might have done this on purpose, as it might be explained later on for the intent of progressing the story/characters.)
-"Crimson splattered the brown ground...": I think it is the newcomer getting wounded, since the vampire character pulled a sword. Or is this the effect of the light coming through the sky on the vampire character?
I think this is a good idea for a story, thanks for letting me review it!
Hello~ thanks for posting this item, I enjoyed reading it.
I think I'm a sucker for love/romance themes, so that is why I picked this piece to review.
It was nice to follow the story that had a supernatural twist. In the first section you have her use "hast thou, thou art..." and I see why that is useful as the situation is revealed further along.
A suggestion, make sure this sentence follows suit:
"And what reason have I to trust your words, Edward?"
There is a lot of information revealed very quickly in the start of the second part. We get that Edward was in the field, the legend of Lady Moon explained, a new character Peter, and that there is someone in town looking for Edward. Maybe flesh it in a little to slow down the pace? It's hard to put my finger on it, but that is the best I can explain it.
Hi, thanks for posting this item. Very fun and full of energy. I really enjoyed it!
The description was fabulous and I am able to clearly see and feel what is happening in the story. I like that something appears to be following her, and that maybe a combination of the scary environment and her younger age might allow the reader to brush it off as her imagination. Until we find out what happens in the end.
I noticed a correction: "much to (too) young to be dating."
Hi Bud,
I'm relatively new to WDC. I returned from a long absence since my account creation and have been poking around the site to get a better feel for it. I've been trying to soak up more info on reviewing and like seeing these types of articles.
I don't have a Critique for you on this item, but I want to let you know it was helpful for me to read.
Also, congrats on your Reviewing merit badge. It led me to your portfolio.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for letting me review this item. I really did enjoy reading this, and I'll break it down a little.
I like the description of the neighborhood, it gave a setting that makes the rest of the story believable. (It would be hard to believe the relationships with Joe if we didn't first know that the community was tight-knit.)
Also, Joe grows on me as I read more about him. He seems like a likable person and I felt bad that he crashed and banged up both himself and his ego. I also think of the bike as a character in a way, and like the last paragraph describing it's fate as well.
There are a couple spots that need to be looked at for spelling/punctuation, so take a run through it. Also, I usually space between the paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes for reading. I am not sure of the general consensus of doing this, but I like it.
Hi Samantha,
Thanks for letting me review this piece. First thing, the reason I chose to read this is I was looking for something a little more lighthearted and this fit the bill.
It strikes me as funny that I just had a disagreement with my husband this morning about one of those necessary "just-do-it-tasks". (It happened to be the dishes this time.) I also like the simile used for flushing the quicker-picker-upper. Haha, great!
I'd like to suggest some clarity on one sentence in the last paragraph "Now toilet paper isn’t something that isn’t a necessity." Having two "isn'ts" gets a little confusing.
I had fun with this one.
Keep having fun writing!
Nikki
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nluczak
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:19pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
