Okay Colorfulpoet (love the name)...
Interesting story. Your blurb forewarned me that the main character would be attacked, but I was genuinely surprised when he was stabbed. Later in the story, I was groaning when he lied to the cops and to his girlfriend. It does seem a way to bring stress and drama to a reader, but I'm always saying to myself, Oh no, why don't they just tell the truth? =) Authors can be so crafty when they create characters that are so aggravating. At least he came clean at the end and chose his girlfriend over his doubts. Yay!
As far as some cleanup, I think the text could use some serious housekeeping. Check paragraph three:
>your to you're
>backwards to backward
>causing him to release instead of "releasing his hold
over use of still in one sentence: Still struggling...still was able
tense shifts: fist connected/ where I land(ed)
very vulnerable- tighting up text by deleting most of the filler words like very
I understand that it seems I am picking apart your work and I apologize for that. If you go through and specifically look for past tense or for missing punctuation, etc...this story will really shine.
Keep us the good work. You have carved out a nice shape from a block of wood. All it needs now is a bit of sanding to smooth out the rough edges.
Hi Anne,
Since I love rhymed poetry, I did enjoy this very much. And rhymes like "lids" and "larynx" are very refreshing. The widely spaced rhyme that bookmarked the middle of the poem caught my attention as well and made me do a U-turn and go back to reread. Compose; destroy; reform...Digest, process, and mourn. Here though are difference that perhaps should be correlated: semicolons in the first trio, commas in the second. (not to mention the word "and" in the second that may not be necessary.) Anyway, that's a very minor note of observation. All in all, it is a poem that makes me feel reborn...er, I mean renascent. =)
Hey,
I figured out how to sign up here and thought I'd look at some of your other writing. This one I like very much; of course, as you know, rhyming poetry is my preference. In this poem, I have to say that my favorite line is the poignant observation: "Soul knows life is but a prologue." Is there critique for me to offer? Not much. This poem is a beauty. You may want to consider removing the "a" to tighten the line and keep the meter. Life is but prologue... I love the last line as well. It seems to convey the reader forward, like half a picture on a page...I just want to turn the page and see the rest of the image. Well done!
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