Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: Nice poem! Not much to correct and it's just the right size. It's nearly perfect. Of course, there are two or three things you could look out for, but you did a good job on this poem. The rhymes are great even though I felt like there was a place where you really had to force it. A poem about joy and Christmas shouldn't be all that long and yours was just the right size. The repetition at the beginning of each sentence was also great.
What I liked: As I said above, I liked the size, the rhymes, and the repetition. But you changed the repetition in the second stanza and that may be something you want to fix. It's great the way it is right now, though. I also liked your vivid descriptions of what's happening during Christmas.
What could be improved: The first line really confused me. Did you mean "Christmas is a time for loving and caring."? "Time of" doesn't really make sense and you should put an article in front of "time." In the third line, you rhyme "gloves" and "love." I felt like you couldn't think of anything that rhymes with love and you just put in "a wallet or a pair of gloves." Of course, I could be wrong, but I feel like you could use your word better instead of forcing a rhyme. Also, if you prefer strict rhymes, gloves does not rhyme with love because of the "s." In the second stanza, you didn't do the repetition you did before. This could be changed, but it's fine the way it is. In the last stanza, you include a very nice "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." Is that part of the poem? If it isn't, then you should put a break before the last line. If it is, you should rhyme it. Try not to break the rhyme in the last part of the poem. This is what I suggest:
"Of all the things that it could be,
That's what Christmas is to me.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"
I think that would work out much better.
My rating and why?:
Confusing first line: -0.5's
Forced rhyme: -0.5's
Last line in wrong place: -0.5's
Size: +0.5's
Repetition: +0.5's
Total: 4.5's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: This short story cleverly describes what many people are afraid of: Death. You did a great job of making this mysterious. I also enjoyed how you called the Grim Reaper a harvester. This is a great short story and unlike some other short stories, this shouldn't be expanded upon. It is great the way it is and it definitely should be a short story because what this really is is merely a thought or a quick moment of phobia and thoughts never last too long.
What I liked: You described the Grim Reaper harvesting your soul very detailed and I thought that was amazing. My favorite sentence is "I see my world in the black holes of mortality." Usually in books or movies especially, people have flashbacks of their life. But this is a much more interesting concept. You actually see your whole life being sucked away, instead of viewing it again. You see your life as a whole.
What could be improved: But the angel ruined that moment. Well, not in a really bad way. The angel literally ruined the moment right there by protecting you. But one thing I didn't like about the angel is that it's protecting you with truth. But isn't the truth that you will die someday? That everybody will die at some point? So perhaps you could say that the angel was protecting you with lies. That way, there really is a dark side to the world. Not just angels. Also, there are several places where you show what you are thinking, or what the Grim Reaper is saying. You didn't put them in quotes, so I suppose they were thoughts. In that case, you should put them in italics.
My rating and why?:
Angel protecting with "truth": -0.5's
Thoughts not in italics: -0.5's
Total: 4.0's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: I was certainly creeped out. Not in the bad way, but this poem was good enough to have its effects imprinted on someone. I really liked the poem, but there are some good and bad stuff about the creepiness. Overall, it was a good poem although you could have clarified several things better.
What I liked: I liked the scare it gave me. I read it halfway through and I was already thinking, "Oh dear. What's going to happen?" There was a nice suspense to the poem and I think you did a good job with that. Also, there was a subtle rhythm in the poem. But the rhythm fades away towards the end and that may be something you want to fix.
What could be improved: You should fix the vagueness. I had trouble following the poem because you didn't explain what was happening much. I am guessing someone came to kill you? Why? Was it a dream? A nightmare literally? Perhaps you should ask yourself these questions to expand on this excellent poem. For people who like strict rhymes, stanzas 2 and 4 don't have strict rhymes. But that doesn't really matter because "I guess no one cared." So you don't have to go and fix that.
My rating and why?:
Vagueness: -0.5's
The overall effect of the poem: +0.5's
Total: 5.0's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts:
Now this is art. Yes, I consider poetry with good rhymes and good rhythm to be art. But there are a few things I'd like to help with. I could tell you were trying to write in Iambic Heptameter, but you were also struggling with keeoing the rhythm strict. I usually write in two groups of 3 then 2 and make that a stanza when writing Iambic Septameter so it's not as long, but I guess your way is also fine.
What I liked: I liked how you made the sparrow so graceful and beautiful, and yet had it seek vengence. It's like Snow White from Shrek! Well, you'd only get that if you watched the movie. I also liked how many adjectives you put in there. Though Homer often put so many unnecessary adjectives in the Iliad and the Odyssey just so that he could fill up the meter, I have a feeling you were going for a different and, hopefully, more artistic reason!
What could be improved: I'm going to go through the whole poem and modify it so that it has perfect rhythm. Mouse over here
She sits alone along a river on a mountaintop
The wind of winter brushes by as tears begin to drop
The lovely river soothes no longer as we've come to see
The little sparrow wishing she could sit inside a tree
The road got rough, the gales blew hard and flowers, they would die
The angry world looked inward crying, "Sparrow! Why'd you lie?" So innocent and late one night she took flight to the sea To seek some warmth away from those who would not let her be
Alas, there had to come the day the buzzards broke her wing
They found her bathing in the sea when she was 'bout to sing
They pecked and kicked until the bird was red with much despair
And when they left, her wing had hung; she didn't even care
But then she vowed to judge the ruin of her little wing
She went on foot, an uphill fray, in front of her was Spring
The King of Seasons came to take her up that painful mountain She'd soon forget what it was like to freshen from a fountain
And for the mountain river has it all if one's so keen Perceive its gifts - she did, my friend - she saw what's been unseen And yet the sparrow wishes she could sit inside a tree
But she's at peace and knows that from this place she'll never flee
for the revision of your poem. I will put any corrections in italics so that it's easier to spot. Keep up the good work.
My rating and why?:
Rhythm: -0.5's
Total: 4.5's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: I really liked the poem. I'm only thirteen, so I...umm...haven't...er...exactly...On a second thought, I also really liked the descriptions you made in the poem! Though this poem doesn't stick with a strict rhythm (which I'm usually extremely picky about), it's still very rhythmic and lively.
What I liked: This poem is very impressive. I usually follow very strict rhythm, but this doesn't and still is very rhythmic. At times it breaks from iambic, but turns into another rhythmic form. But it still maintains its shape. Very impressive. I love the poem.
What could be improved: As I said, I liked the rhythm, but it could've been improved at several places. I have placed the poem below with revisions I've made. All of them will be in italics, so you know what I corrected.I'll try not to make too many corrections!
My heart is beating quickly
My cheeks are red with heat
My mind begins to wander
As our lips begin to meet
Your hand is warm and gentle
As it grazes down my cheek
You breathe the life right from me
And you leave me feeling weak
I think of all and nothing
Of the silence and the night
Of your breathing and your softness
Of the candle and its light
We come apart so slowly
I gaze into your hazy eyes
I hold you close and tightly And I enjoy my butterflies
Our reunion's hypnotic
We kiss so soft and lovingly
And feeling us together So I am you, and you are me
And we stay like this for hours
With no worry and no doubt
By the time that we stop kissing
The candle has burned out
Keep up the good work with the poem! Remember, you can take any suggestions you like and revise your poem. It doesn't matter. It's all your choice!
My rating and why?:
Slightly Choppy Rhythm: -0.5's
But Great Rhythm Overall: +0.5's
Total: 5's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: I liked your metaphorical use of pain and loss, but it seems a little vague. Sometimes I just couldn't put my finger on a specific thought I had about the poem, because there was too much to look at. Nevertheless, it was a great poem because of the many ways you described pain and loss.
What I liked: I really liked the variety of descriptions you presented. And the use of a bend in the road was ingenious.
What could be improved: The title of the piece is Lost. And when I read the poem, I kinda got lost. There were too many descriptions: Color, taste, feel, smell, drive, walk, chase, fragrance, color, water, and clouds. Although it's great and sometimes essential to use metaphors in poetry, putting to much can cause the reader to lose their train of thoughts because there are too many things to look at. Also, what is the word "loce'"? You could clarify that.
My rating and why?:
Ambiguity: -0.5's
Loce': -0.5{e:star)'s
Metaphors: +0.5's
Total: 4.5's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: I am very fond of sonnets. I have always been a major Shakespeare fan, so that is why I always like to use strict rhythm and rhyme, which a sonnet always shows. Kudos to a wonderful sonnet.
What I liked: I loved your personification of Winter. Usually, poems about Winter or any of the seasons are very light and happy. Those kind of poems always seem like they want to cram a rainbow down your throat! But the way you changed your perspective was amazing. This poem reminds me of The Chronicles of Narnia. I bet you have heard of it before. If you do, kudos!
What could be improved: As I said earlier on, I always like to follow strict rhythm when it comes to Shakespearean poetry. I've made some corrections, so pick as many as you'd like. I'll put all changes in italics for easier reading. The revised sonnet should have perfect iambic pentameter. Read it out loud.
The Winter came not making any sound,
Then fell her snow white cape without a thought,
And with a callous spirit, tossed it down,
So what the chaos, havoc it had brought.
All men beware, her kisses be so cold.
The beauty owns she be a harmful kind, She doesn't care, ye young or be ye old.
As icy hands will freeze your soul and mind.
Deep in her bosom lies a darkened heart,
In frosty swirls she'll tempt a fool to fun
With cruel intentions she will play her part
Within her frosty arms his fate is done.
'Tis true this season be her lone domain,
But enters soon the Spring to end her reign.
My rating and why?:
Rhythm : -0.5's
Personification: +0.5's
Change of Genre: +0.5's
Total: 5.5's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: Lovely. Just absolutely lovely. This poem is great. This definitely draws the line between love and friendship. I was very impressed by this poem, and would look forward to reading more of your writing.
What I liked: What I loved was the fact that you drew a line showing the definition of love. And I also liked how you questioned yourself what the meaning of love is, and how to know if you're in love. But yet you have a hint of doubt at the end of the poem. The last line tells you that you wouldn't ask all these question if you were actually in love, and yet you ask these questions.
What could be improved: Well, this poem is gorgeous. So there's not much to correct. The only pet peeve I have is the rhythm. It's not essential, but I really enjoy love poems with more rhythm. I don't know if you'd want to consider that, but you don't need to. Other than that, this poem is perfect. Keep up the good work!
My rating and why?:
"How do I know when I love you?": +0.5's
Total: 5's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
Hello!
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today! I can sometimes be a very picky reviewer , so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation, but only if it keeps repeating. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? On to the review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: I was reading through this and was thinking, "Oh, just another poem. Just like all the others." Then I read the end and that's what made me smile! Great ending!
What I liked: I loved the ending. But not just that. This might be a poem about a personal experience and, in fact, describes the effort really well. But what makes this so special is that almost everyone feels this kind of...pain, if that's what you want to call it. All of us have felt it, but not all can describe it like you did.
What could be improved: This isn't really specifically about this piece of writing, but I noticed that you do a lot of poetry (like me!). But I also noticed that you rarely used rhythm. And this poem doesn't use rhyme. This is just a personal preference, so you do not need to adhere to this rule. But I'm quite used to listening to rhythm and rhyme. In quite a few places, you forget to capitalize your I's. Make sure you do that! You should also put your apostrophes in. So just check to see that you have your grammar all correct.
My rating and why?:
50% needs work with grammar: -1
Missing punctuation: -0.5's
Capitalization: -0.5's
"I will become a blackbelt!": +0.5's
Total: 4.5's
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" are out in force today raiding the ports of WDC for Mother's Day! Please enjoy!
Hello !
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece, {item:} today! My thoughts are entirely my own. Please use what you like and disregard the rest. To the Review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: When I first read this, I instantly thought of myself when I was younger. I'm thirteen now, so any sane teen would write a neat looking Mother's Day card to his mother. But this, well, that was me when I was younger! And that mom in your story, she sounds very familiar to me!
What I liked: The story was great. Although it seems like it has nothing to do with the title, you can tell that these little children act like it was just another normal day. I hope you didn't have to draw from personal experience!
What could be improved:This can definitely get some more work. There are quite a few places where the grammar could be corrected. The story's missing some commas. You could also space out the dialogues so that they are on separate lines. The spacing for the story is also weird.
My rating and why?: I'd give this story a 3.5. It still needs a lot of work, but it's overall a great story for Mother's Day.
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" are out in force today raiding the ports of WDC for Mother's Day! Please enjoy!
Hello !
It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece, {item:} today! My thoughts are entirely my own. Please use what you like and disregard the rest. To the Review!
Initial Reactions/Thoughts: Wow. That was the first word that came to mind. Wow. This is such a wonderful story. It definitely brings the livelihood of our childhoods.
What I liked: I love how you set up Chekov's Gun. In case you don't know what that is, Chekov's Gun was a technique in writing invented by the famous Russian writer Chekov. If you put a gun at the beginning of a story, you better use it later, otherwise it has no meaning. In this case, it's the digging and burying the acorns. That set up the plot very well.
What could be improved: I thought that the mom's reaction was overdoing it a little. You said "leafy" twice and I felt that that was a bit redundant.
My rating and why?: I would rate this a 4.5. There's really not much to work on. I think you just need to work a little more on word choice.
Thank you for allowing me into your port today! Have a great day!
This is a great poem! Yes, many do not see that nature is almost gone now. When you go to any city, the only green you see is artificial. Even the grass you see is probably placed there. That ending needs to be a little more clear, though. Do you mean that he has been shot down? The way that I looked at it was that he could rest anywhere. The eagle wouldn't just plop down to the earth. I would love to hear back from you.
Lovely poem. I'm not always picky when it comes to rhythm and rhyme because a lot of poetry can be written either way. But when I read this poem, it seems very rough. For example, in the first paragraph, two lines are shorter while two are very long. It makes the reader stumble over the words. I hope you will consider this advice! Kudos!
Spooky! I really enjoy writing and reading sonnets because of their rhyme scheme and rhythm. But I made some quick corrections to this sonnet so that it still follows a standard sonnet's rhythm. I have put any corrections I've made in bold so it's easier to read. I've also added notes on the side stating what I have corrected and why.
As long as you will follow me through fire (With these adjustments, the rhythm will work better)
We'll leave the monsters falling far behind. (Better word choice)
Tred carefully as we run through the mire. Your fears won't put your thoughts all in a bind. (Rhythm)
Just grab my hand and I will not let go
Until the werewolves can no longer chase. And when the sun comes up, the moon falls low (Rhythm)
We'll know that we have won this evil race.
Just trust me dear and we will both survive (Rhythm)
This flight although we will have run all night.
When dawn arrives and we are still alive
The world will know that we were always right.
The werewolf hunting will be done by all
With proof our tale will not be seen as tall.
Nice poem. I love these poems about nature. Here are a few things you might change. In the first paragraph, the rhythm doesn't work unless you take out the word "with" in the third line:
The air is thick and pungent
in a breeze that's soft and warm the smell of sweetest Lilacs
drifting in before the storm.
The same problem arises in the next few paragraphs. I made some little adjustments so they sound better. I have italicized all the adjustments I've made.
The Roses in my garden die they always are reborn.
There's beauty in the petals
for this flower with a thorn.
The Daffodils reach to the sky on early summer morn.
A gentle sun will shine on them
through fretwork they adorn.
Rain is dripping from my eaves, they touch my flowers lightly.
It lends a lustre to the leaves
then paints them all so brightly.
A wooden post that holds my roof is home to climbing vines.
They wrap themselves around it,
as the wind stirs in the pines.
Retreating is the cool of night, the sun will bring new days
as fleeting summers hurry past
and never seem to stay.
Violets are my favorite flowers Lovely as they are.
Shedding light on darkest hours, They, the purple stars.
These sights and smells are mine to keep I have no reason to recant.
The fact remains, I now know why
I love my flowers and my plants.
"To be or not to be. That is the question." LOL Reminds me of Hamlet. Anyways...wonderful poetry. Since you change the rhyme scheme in the end from ABCB to ABCBDB, perhaps you can make all the ABCB sets of two into one paragraph so the last stands out. You can also put that last two paragraphs together. Keep writing on!
Nice choice of a subject. Maybe you can separate the first line with the rest since it's the title. It's a little confusing for me. I also like your rhyme scheme. But it changes in the last paragraph, which I also like. Perhaps make that a different paragraph so it stands out a little more. Thanks for the wonderful poem!
Great poem! I am chatting with you right now on scroll. This is a wonderful poem about nature. If you can write something this well, you should do poetry more often! I might suggest making the transition between the two scenes a little less rough. It's too sudden. I can understand the metaphor, but it's too sudden. Keep up with the good work!
I think that's a great poem because of its creativity, but I don't get the line "Emotions of cheer". It feels like you put that in just to use the words "emotions" and "cheer". It's great that you kept it short since there isn't much you can talk about! But it won't do any harm to clarify some of the lines.
Oooh, scary. But nicely done! There are a few things that you can correct or make better. For example, you said that Mrs. Patterson stood up and said "I'll go get them". But in the next sentence, it's Henry approaching the cellar door. Please be a little bit more careful there. You might also consider actually saying that Jennifer went down to the cellar. At first, she opposed. So that lead me to thinking that she didn't go down until I read "The minutes passed". In that same sentence, you might want to clarify who said "Sweetheart" and who smiled about the rats. It seems very ambiguous but I know what you intended to say there. Last, all the sentences said by the characters need to be capitalized on the first letter. Good start!
Ah, yes. I am such an idiot. In the previous review I gave you, I forgot what's three accented beats. It's so obvious: trimeter :) Well, alternating iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter seems to be your favorite beat. Cool. It is absolutely no surprise that this is another beautiful poem you have written. I only have one small comment on this poem because it's pretty much perfect. You can and an "our" before "passion was our peace," so that it becomes perfect iambic trimeter.
This is one of the first poems to catch my attention because my name is Mark! I couldn't write a poem this well about a mark in your life! So when I read it again, I'll look for the technical stuff...
...So the poem is in iambic tetrameter and iambic...oh no! I forgot the word for three accented beats! Anyways, I like the rhythm but there are a few places where it doesn't work. You might consider switching around some words. The last line of this paragraph doesn't work:
"So many ways to mark a life
and leave for all to find,
important is the message scribed
and the mark is left behind."
Perhaps you can change it to:
"important is the message scribed:
The mark that's left behind."
That way, it becomes perfectly iambic. These two lines also don't work:
"posterity's in the balance;
we're underneath its spell."
Perhaps this will work:
"posterity's in balance;
we are underneath its spell."
When you change that, it has a different rhyme scheme than the other paragraphs. This one has three accents in the first line and four in the last, instead of the other way around. But when you read it out loud, it should sound the same. Keep writing on!
Nice love poem. This poem is in iambic tetrameter, but lines "It's like a taste of soft ice cream" and "Through the years it's grown strong" don't work. For "Through the years it's grown strong", perhaps you can change "it's" to "it has" and that should keep the iambic tetrameter. "Soft ice cream" is a little awkward since those words can sound like they are all accented. But the rest of the poem works perfectly fine. Great job!
Nice perspective on rain! I like your description of rain being angel's tears and the flood of Noah's Ark. Your last paragraph doesn't rhyme. But nice rhyme scheme for the rest of the poem. I noticed that your poem mostly in iambic, except for several lines. You can try to make it a little more consistent.
Nice poem! It's a little awkward for me to see "Dad" when you referred to your other loved ones as "My grandpa", "My grandma", and "My husband". I as a reader would feel much more comfortable if you changed it to see "My father". That keeps the pattern. Keep on going with the great work!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oidoldol
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 3:03pm on Dec 28, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
A review from the "
Check out my portfolio and review my poetry 
, so pick whatever edits you like! Also, my ratings work like this. For every quarter of your story/poem that needs work, I deduct half a star from a base of five stars. I will also take away half a star for any habits like forgetting punctuation. For every awesome thing that you did in your writing, I add half a star. Sounds fair? Yes?
,
!
The "
