\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/onixstryke
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Duty Calls  Open in new Window.
Review by The Last Son Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An excellent beginning to the story, though I respectfully submit the following critiques:

1.) Her escape is a little fuzzy. If the city was in such an uproar over her birthday the night before her escape, how could she just "go missing?" Certainly she has guards or other people who would come looking for her as well. For her to escape the attention of a city full of people except at the latest hours would be difficult at best.

2.) Give some more detail on the actual festivities from her perspective. Did she find them amusing or annoying? Maybe just a memory or two triggered by the lack of traffic (beginning of paragraph 2) would help set the mood.

3.) The beginning part of the story is where you grasp the reader's attention and draw them deeper into the story. Perhaps a more thrilling escape scene, or someone nearly catching her, would help to grasp the reader's attention. Maybe the drunken guards should question her or offer her a drink, just to be on the comedic side.

Overall, as far as an introduction goes, it does the job of introducing Seriana, but maybe it can be combined with chapter 1 just to give the reader some more to chew on initially. Just some thoughts. Let me know how it goes.
2
2
Review by The Last Son Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
The first chapter of your work has potential with some elaboration and some good old-fashion TLC. The following are some issues that I think can be improved on:

1.) There are some period-related occurances, such as the "azure sofa" that could be changed. Back in the middle ages, there was plenty of different kinds of furniture, but no sofas that I recall. The opposite applies in the case of the dungeon-like room. Using a different term would help put the reader in the right time period.

2.) Since when are unicorns dangerous creatures? I thought that was a bit funny, but was that intentional?

3.) Why WOULD she ask him to have brought a knife? And where does all of this take place? I'll assume its an academy of sorts, but its still a strange thing to say for someone who was just frightened.

4.) Is Evan her uncle or her master? Or both?

5.) Exactly how were the two seperated? More depth and such is needed there.

Its the first chapter, but this is where your work grabs the attention of readers and draws them into the rest of your work. Give some more detail and description to the setting, period, and characters and let me know how its coming!
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/onixstryke