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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oracle13
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Edward.

I saw this on the plug page and thought I'd check it out as I'm fairly interested in philosophy myself.

I really liked this...but for reasons that are mostly personal. A lot of the imagery you use is very well considered and conveys the sense of grandeur that I think you were trying for. Some of your similes and metaphors are evidence of the serious consideration you put into your choice of words, which I admire in a writer. At times, you definitely out do yourself, and the beauty and scale of the scene is undercut by excessive wordiness. For example:

'What he saw struck him with a startling suddenness.'

This expression is very clumsy. Obviously you want to emphasise Henry's real, and powerful, sense surprise and wonder at the beauty of the scenery, but I just think there is a better way of expressing this feeling. I'm not going to try and put words in your mouth because I really admire the unique voice that is carried in your narration. But I think you need to revisit some of lines, and try to make beauty from simplicity - there were many other places throughout the story in which the natural narrative flow was rudely interrupted by some uneccessary description.

As for the overall conclusion - well, I'm a big reader of the great philosophers, and I like to think that they, as well as all the great minds of our time, appreciated to beauty of our world, but also recognised the problems with it. Some of these problems seem so far outside of the scope of 'nature,' that its impossible to conclude that quiet contemplation of beauty is the answer to all our problems. But obviously I'm only judging the writing of your piece, not the message conveyed.

Overall, this expresses a tenderness and conviction of opinion which is rare to find on writing.com. At the same time, I think you've fallen into some common narrative traps - the main one being over-description. My advice to you is to write as though you are painting a picture - if you're going for beauty and poignancy, you don't want anyone to notice the tools of your craft; rather, the reader should be able to enjoy the finished product without a thought as to the emotion and work that went into its production.

Well worth clicking!
Cameron
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