Hi PureSciFi 
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  . Thanks for entering!
Reader Impressions
Now that’s an opening line!! Straight into action, introducing the main character, and providing a clue to the entire story. And this whole opening section hits these three things all the way through. I’m not sure I should say I found a speck of humour in it, since it was pretty dangerous and on the verge of deathly, but I really did like Helona’s responses.
Ooh, Talvon is bold. He must know Helona’s temper and strength, yet he roundaboutly points out that she’s rather old to be changing her profession. I thought her response rang really true. It’s not because she wants to be the new role but because she has to be. We’re still in the dark though about what and why.
The third section, where Helona has obviously been trying to track down the mystery man, manages to feel a bit cumbersome but also funny. I’d say that she’s talking out loud too correctly/perfectly when it feels like she’s actually just speaking her thoughts. I’d expect the words to be a lot shorter. However… if she’s commenting to herself but also saying it for the benefit of those listening to her, then it makes sense. She’s really spelling out the issues and what’ll happen going forward. The ‘veiled’ warning to Bracim will likely get back to him. The funny thing in this section is the shell-shocked Korcions and how they’re reacting. From that, you can tell she must have given them twenty questions in rapid fire without much of a breather.
Loved the short bit between Jasime and Paura. With Paura not speaking I thought she might be mute but she’s well capable of stating a fact! Impressed that Helona actually turns back to the front and thinks about how someone just tried to kill her rather than question why Jasime might have a male friend at ten 
Helona’s ‘old age’ is mentioned several times but we don’t actually get to know it until right at the end. She’s about sixty-five. I think you need to bring that in much earlier so that we can marry it to the opsimath side of the prompt.
Who hasn’t wanted to brush a whole lot of glasses off a table? I love that Helona does this after her threat to Fhanon; it’s very impactful to sight and sound.
I’ve got to say – the ending was odd. I absolutely did not understand what Helona was saying about how she knew who Fhanon was and events fifty years ago. What happened? Who did what? Who blamed her? Is she saying that Fhanon did something bad and was caught by the Law Enforcers. She saw it and couldn’t really do anything but because Fhanon saw her, he blamed her for getting the Enforcers involved? This whole thing is crucial to why Helona has chosen to become a Crime Professional – ie, it’s the driver for the story – so we need to see glimpses of this much earlier.
I’ve always been so impressed how you come up with the names of your characters. They’re all so unique. Also…. Am I right in thinking I’ve met the Professionals before? Have you got a whole world or story arc about them? If so (or even if not), it would be interesting to see some information on them and their world. Not a story, but just an explanation of who they are, what they do, what different types there are. Would provide a good background to anyone reading the stories.
Things to Work On
There’s some awkward phrases that made me stumble a bit, and some questions I had.
… fourth question that I have asked you in a row… – I would be inclined to remove ‘that I have asked you’ as it would make sense that the questions having come from Talvon, since he’s speaking. Alternately, to make it less wordy, you could use ‘that I’ve asked in a row…’ (Her response is definitely displaying a woman with some years and life behind her. She’s not taking any prisoners.)
… placed a hand on the shoulder of Helona – a bit passive tense here, so you could do placed a hand on Helona’s shoulder. Can kind of sense that Talvon is daunted by her. He really should say ‘Stay here…’ rather than ‘can you stay…’ Later, you’ve got another passive moment the mouth of Fhanon which could just be Fhanon’s mouth.
…fired a single red ball at Helona – remove ‘at Helona’. It’s not needed since the person is already pointing the weapon at her. Also ‘transport’ is used four times in this paragraph. It really stands out as repetitive. Could one of them be ‘vehicle’ since that is about as vague as ‘transport’?
Why do we have daughters, daughters, daughters?
I loved that sixth section starting with the choked words. We all know what’s happening there but…. Because we’ve seen this before with Bracim, the fact that this victim is Gregiv made me immediately think you’d changed names. I think to avoid confusion you could have Helona say his name. Something like I know what you just said, Gregiv.
Slowly, Gregiv shook his head yes. – I think this should be ‘nodded’ here, since he’s answering her implied question.
Watch those places where you have the same character speaking twice in succession but on different lines. Sometimes it’s really heard to catch that the same character is speaking twice. This is especially the case where Helona and Talvon are again talking and he’s explaining why he’s been picking on her so much.
… you’ll never be able to learn what you have learned here – that ‘learn’ should be ‘used’. And, boy, Talvon is bold talking about age (though I’m reminded we don’t actually know what that is, so it would be good to come up as a number earlier.)
At least you are in this part of Korcion. – when Talvon says this he’s saying it in conjunction with the fact Helona is the oldest learner, but because it’s a sentence in its own right it sounds like he’s saying something like ‘well, at least you’re in this part of Korcion, not any of the others….’ So, just watch how you string sentences together.
Now I’m coming for you – is Helona talking about Fhanon here? It didn’t feel like it because of the sentence prior.
Question – if Fhanon thought the Law Enforcers wouldn’t do anything against him, why would he stop trying to kill Helona just because she tried to get them involved? Her words here don’t quite much sense.
Question – why does Helona say to Fhanon that she’s not a Crime Professional? At this stage, she is one. Is she trying to stay that right at this moment she is acting in her own personal capacity? I think that could be made clearer as it’s odd after all her learning.
Closing Comments
This is a story about a woman on a mission, and though I didn’t know much about the real reason behind learning to be a Crime Professional, I understood the initial one – if you won’t help me, I’ll help myself. A very good reason for a character to take action!
The story has many sections to it but I didn’t find them too jumpy, rather they slid the story along to get us to the right place at the right time. It’s skating close to the word limit and I wonder if your original draft was well over – it would be interesting to see this story retold in a longer format.
I do think Helona’s actual age needs to be mentioned earlier as it drives both prompt requirements – an opsimath and an unusual field of learning. (Being a Crime Professional is not unusual in and of itself since it seems like anyone could really learn, it’s her age that makes this an unusual field of learning.)
Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.
Kind regards,
Osirantinous
 
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