I like this piece because it is twisted, dark, but oddly funny. In the longer piece this is something that I feel could be explored to further lengths. You could really run with the sadistic satire on the "perfect" family. As it is I feel that it is a solid idea that just needs to be hatched out and allowed to grow. In places I would be careful about mixing past and present tenses, it makes some of the parts confusing. I did enjoy reading it, the story paces out well and the images of Amy frolicking about the kitchen preparing dinner are great. I think a solid re-write and spell check would really make this a strong story.
The flash piece doesn't work for me. All the strengths of the longer story, the depravity, lunacy, and twisted chaos I felt were crushed into a yolkless egg. The story needs time to develope, which because of the parameters of a flash piece these characters simply come off hollow. There are too many unanswered questions. Flash is a scene, a second of life that can exsist in mono. Flash fiction is a challenge for many reasons, I have treid many times to write one, but simply fall short. And for me, this falls into one of those cases. For this piece to work it needs "more" in order to give it a depth. This is a really crazy idea, run with it like a 1/4 mile rather than a 50 yard dash. By the end of the longer piece I am almost sympathetic towards Amy and her fall into insanity--after all she does truly love her family.
Good job
Erik
Hello,
First I would like to say welcome, I too am new in the community. I like your story and the idea. I feel in order to heighten the suspense and pack a better punch at the end, the pace of the story should be slowed down a bit. I feel like it is rushed. Maybe you can open up some of the paragraphs with more description of the room, the darkness, the way shadows dance and toy with the eyes, and the way the character reacts to this. Show their fear and dread rather than telling it. This would add an element of creepiness and depth into the story, that way when you hit that last paragrph it comes off like an 18 wheeler screeching its brakes. Once again, this is only my opinion. I like the story and enjoyed reading it. I think with a re-write it could be a solid piece.
Great job,
Erik
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