I think you have an admirable perspective on erotic writing. Too much of the genre deals with doing the deed and having read a couple of you pieces I think you grasp that the emotions and acts that proceed the climax need to prep you reader first. A key point here is the reader doesn't really know if it's taking place or if it's thoughts during self pleasure. It's not just sexy, it's tender.
Certainly worth reading further, but a couple of things lead me to comment. First, the first chapter certainly suggests further reading is worthy.
Understand, I recently finished a Cutler story that had engaging description of "environment" and I was left with that as comparison though I could cite others. The opening line here, "Pleasant bird sounds plied the...." left me wanting. I kept thinking back on that as I read further "sensories and visuals" you wrote. You can be highly descriptive so I was left wanting by the opening sentence. Which horzon? Is it morning creep or end of day? What are the surroundings?
The second segment (transition)... I understand it should leave us curious as to relevance and I like that concept (I read a lot of intrigue - about 2 a month) but I also felt the matter of infidelity was treated with less intensity than the first segment so it seemed a little bit of a side thought than it did something that was going to play into the first even though we know there is going to be a connection.
My thoughts should not at all be considered critical but rather hopefully constructive because you have done a nice job of creating the introduction to more to come. I did keep thinking - you are good at this.
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.
Prompt: A desire unanswered, one day becomes realized
Initially it seemed a fleeting reference, but it was there.
What I liked:
Mental and emotional conflict. I always think that makes a story more engaging ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Characters and Imagery:
At first I thought this missed the mark, but when I thought back on it I realized I was more engaged with them than I thought.
Sizzle!
This too was a bit fleeting, but we know where it’s headed.
Really good lines:
set off a cataclysm of sweet ecstasy that spread out over her skin and pooled in her loins
I thought that was yummy – and who doesn’t want to cause that?
What I had some issue with:
the story plays on a specific “hang up” of one character but there isn’t a reason for us to understand. I think the run up could have used some sense of why one person’s taste may have made the other feel lacking.
General Thoughts:
I enjoyed this story and found myself cheering for her. Expanding it would allow us to understand the conflict a bit more rather than jumping into it.
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.
I figured it was either a teaser or a play on words – either worked well with the prompt
Prompt: Sometimes a strong character snares one that is unsuspecting, even if cautiously wanting. I’d like the unsuspecting character to be male. The strong character is your choice and may be more than one. Here's the catch - I would also like the strong character(s) to represent a life style the other may find a bit intimidating.
Considering all the elements, it felt a little illusive but the touch of mystery made it work.
What I liked:
It felt mysterious to me and that gave me drama. I also liked the description of some of the actions. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Characters and Imagery:
I confess I asked myself a couple times if I was looking at a person or a horse (mystery?) but once my mind settled on it, I thinking I was smiling as I watched.
Sizzle! The sizzle felt like suspense to me. It’s subtle but I liked it. Part felt a little coy, but then she did don an expression of a “not very girly fashion.”
Really good lines:
Sometimes there are good lines or ways of saying things that set a piece apart. I liked these
Bristal cooed as I pranced, shaking my mane and preening for her affections.
she gently blew her scent in his nostrils and held his gaze
The warning to be careful died in my throat
She slowly looked over at me in a very non-girly fashion. “Like I said, I’m looking to give…lessons.”
What I had some issue with:
I appreciate the brevity and enjoyed it a lot, but this leads the reader quite hungry. I’m left wondering why the writer didn’t spend some more of the word limit. The writer could have done so still without crossing boundaries should that be why the piece is scant. Nevertheless I have to say…. How cool this is…
I didn’t find anything I had a problem with, but I think it would be more visually comfortable with some spacing
General Thoughts:
I read this piece numerous times just trying to convince myself I got it. I hate to think I only read with one side of my brain. That said, my personal dilemma aside – I thoroughly enjoyed it every time I read it. I saw the images and I heard the voices. Mood and tenor come across really well.
Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.
Title:"Devotion" conveyed some of the thoughts and actions as this story played out, but there was one component that nagged at me. I'll deal with that in a later segment of review.
Premise / Plot / Theme:Desire and a promise fulfilled on a special night.
Promptthe prompt called for the writer to do something different. I could see the differences in this piece from some of the work I've read of this writer.
What I liked:It is just so totally dang believable. I'd almost say this is somebody's real experience. The writer did an artful job of mixing "naughtiness of youth" with the flavor or romance.
"Oh, Shane, it's perfect." A "perfectly" chosen, and "perfectly" place line. Tell me that right there in that spot you didn't hear her say that.
Grabber:"You really do want to get laid tonight."Well, what can I say - did that not set the stage?
Characters and Imagery:We learn a little more about them as we read on - salted through the story with a little bit of direct "telling". It's done well and the characters really felt alive and genuine.
Sizzle:Are you kidding? He shivered at the rasp of the zipper coupled with Did the tiny scrap of nude lace even qualify as panties? How could that not go on to sizzle?
Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar and format: Nothing I saw
What I had some issue with: Ok, these are high school kids and he's been in love with her since the 8th grade. Yet, the writer tells us this is not the first experience for either of them, apparently suggesting "not with each other," or at least that's the impression the statement gave me. Lots of reasons it can be that way. Maybe I'm nitpicking but it nagged at me. It was one of those - "hey, I just don't want to deal with it now" moments. I think I might have left out the "thankful it wasn't the first" line or changed the title - or made the situation a touch more clear. I know for certain the writer knew what she meant, and that isn't enough to make me rate this less than perfect.
General Impressions:a nice piece of young love, a little playful, and a little planning to make the moment just right.
Hi, Mara! Always nice to see you. As an extra reviewer (not a judge) for round 52, thanks for the opportunity to read your story. Comments I offer on other's work are simply the impression of a reader. I'm not an editor or a critic and I've written enough bad stuff to know what a reviewer's comments can feel like. Please, take this as an impression from someone who is simply here to enjoy writing and reading your stories.
Title: At first I thought, “intriguing” but then I wasn’t sure where it was going… into the story, of course, I got one those “Ah, I get it.”
Premise / Plot / Theme: A bit of BDSM and contrasting sensations
Prompt the prompt was an ice cube and it was effectively incorporated into this story line.
What I liked: The drama. At first I was actually put off that I was going to read another BDSM… I mean, I read it but I can get overload. But what kept me engaged was the dramatic component – as one might expect from this writer.
Grabber: “The frozen crescent slid tantalizingly slow across the reddened globes of her ass” Yep, very first sentence. Mara doesn’t keep us waiting.
Characters and Imagery:this writer has a way of engaging the reader with her characters. She doesn’t disappoint in this piece.
Sizzle: The tension in the build-up can’t help but lend well into the sizzle and this piece it’s dramatic. I got some ice water before starting my comments.
Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar and format: Nothing that I saw
What I had some issue with: Not a thing
General Impressions: Nicely done – but then I’m a sucker for anyone with a flair for the dramatic.
Since I see nothng technically wrong, I have to comment on the story alone. Having been through two of these in the Carolinas, a Typhoon at see, and a Typhoon in Japan, I have to say this short piece brought back some specific memories I too have written about, but I won't sully this well done piece I hope you got a good grade.
Great suspense! Knowing this is a "segment," I found myself confused a couple of times but I understand why. Granted that some of the connections with other segments are scattered, I found this to be the best one yet. The surprising twist piqued my own sense of the intrigue. Taken by itself, this segment seems to be where the writer found her voice. It reads like she put herself in the scene.
I have a couple of comments that are nothing more than personal thoughts. Comments aside, I really liked this piece.
The powerful animal dropped down I know what you mean here - I used to have a BMW that did the same thing when I slammed the peddle down - but "dropped down" doesn't seem to really tell us that the horse is going into afterburner.
dropped farther down Oh look, "dropped down" again in the very next sentence. I just think it can be said better.
enemies hm, how about something like pursuers or something along that line. I have to qualify this - I see you used "pursuers" later.
The impact alone This implies that there is some other force as well as the impact that could knock him off his steed. I'd drop the word "alone".
Somehow he stayed on. I'd work on this sentence. It sounds to simple for the drama that's taking place
For several minutes he lay flat on his back praying for air, his racing heart sending a steady stream of his life’s blood into his clothing and onto the ground, tainting all it invaded. I loved this segment where his horse goes down - but, having the wind knocked out of you is excruciating painful and trying to get air through the pain can littleraly cause panic. This sentence should make us feel the pain.
What great piece. The writer used uncomplicated style to present a course of life for two young people. Setting the stage with a tender and realistic loss of innocence that cast people, seemingly with educational and economic disadvantage into the world. We get to spend some time in the lives of "everyday folk" in their effort at forming that life. It has some tragedy and some grit that takes us to a heartwarming ending. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Ya'll ought to read it.
I don't review in this genere as much as I'd like to because I have a hard time finding something that isn't growing or shrinking or transforming or some such thing. I like a story that feels believable and offers some emotional connection or passion. I suspected when I saw this title this would be a story worth reading and I wasn't let down. I loved this. l loved how you how you created the musical connection and how you created a "reason" for them to be in this encounter.
I was set to tell you that the paragraph starting where "his moist lips left hers" was the one that lit the fires, but then those magical paragraphs just kept coming. Very nicely done.
Have I said I'm not much good at poetry? Still, this is a fun poem that can't help but cause someone to conjure up a memory of their own. It's nice to read something that incites these feelings. And the confession of cheating - perfect. A nice, light, "take me to a more carefree day" poem.
well said, Lenny, and it makes no difference which stripes you wear to agree with your outrage at the attitudes. Of course, there are just as radical attitudes on both sides of current issues, but there is no excuse for what you depict here. This mindset isn't going to solve anything.
I am not good at poetry. I read anyway because after those two thoughtful reviews, I simply wanted to offer something in return. I didn't see this coming, although I certainly should have. Each stanza suggested something was coming. So much tragedy in so many poems. Maybe poetry and I don't get along because there is so much emotion.
*sucks it up* So, this is so vivid for something so morose. I saw her immediately with the simple Fair Verona with greasy hair...an image jumped right out at me. I saw her hair and her hands and I saw the street below but by then I had stopped seeing her. Is that a defense mechanism?
I had some trouble with dragging threads across the thread-bare carpet. I understand the irony, but, I stumbled there when I read it. The last line says it all.
I want to say first, that this has promise because there are some "fixit" comments and I don't want you to think it's critical. We all write stuff that we need to go back and do some touch up, but this is a good start. Here's a few things I see
I can only imagine the fell of your arms
I catch myself making the "fell" "feel" typo a lot too.
Kneeling on the bed next to you, patiently waiting your instruction. No other thought or wish on my mind but how I might please you
These two are incomplete.
Smiling at me you softly caress my check " Who's good girl are you?"
I think this needs a comma after "me" and there's a typo "check" for "cheek". then, I think check needs a period.
You continue to kiss, lick and nibble your way down body.
seems to be missing "my"
Your lay down in front of me "your" for "you"
There's some more of this and some more typos like your for you're, but I don't want to seem critical. Just trying to help. Mostly, some more proof reading will do it. I think there are quite a few incomplete sentences too, that seem to be intended to read like thoughts, but that might need to be clarified. Thoughts can be in italics and it doesn't hurt to use, I thought, I was feeling, etc to set it aside as a thought.
I felt some conflict. You write like it's a tender experience but the actions don't come out that way. Also, this sounds like "aggressive" intercourse once he enters, yet she feels him "seep". Seep seems to work better with slow comfortable sex...this one reads like she should really feel it.
Obviously conveys a feeling and sense of connection. I ended up feeling like there should have been another stanza before the last, though. And then the last two lines...one implies one thing and the last implies something else...now, that may be just an interpretation thing...so it's not critical.
It's nicely written and I think, is a portrait of how things should be - in such situations.
This is absolutely wonderful! I had trouble with the paragraph about the communicator and all the diodes and such...first I thought it was too technical for the rest of the story, then I thought...no, it was a fitting jolt...in the end, it just didn't feel right for me.
Well done, but did find some distractions - typos.
You have parts that read like stage direction but their written in as text. It might help if they were italics or maybe even if it was written like a screen play.
You do a good job of making us feel her mental condition - that comes across perfectly
This is a great piece, Emily, but it has some issues that need to be fixed. The second paragraph posted as kind of a mess - broken up.
You have some words to fix like "there" for "their" and "presents" for "presence"
I wonder about "Kill Him!" Robert asked the man. That doesn't read like a question
You want this man to kill your family, kill you! reads like a question but has an exclamation mark. There are several places where questions and statments miss the "punctuation mark"
There are some typos. I think this could use a good dose of spell check and proof reading.
These things are distractions in what is a nice story and a grand message. Please do some edit work and let us read it again.
Did it again. Couldn't find anything to disagree with here. Except, when you say your personal life is no "business of theirs"....my sense it's "no interest of theirs". It remains the personal interest that motivates and it's only your vote or your money they need to miantain.
Have you listened to Bill Miller lately - from Georgia I think - a conservative Democrat, but some call him a Republican anyway. What a breath of fresh air......I haven't heard a word from him that sounded like a politician.
Thanks for cluing me into your op-ed page! This piece, I both agree and disagree but the value of it is that you make so many valid points. I think that what we need to understand and resolve is that it's the 8% that are passionate about their vote and will go to ever so much greater lengths to have it heard. Someone needs to pinch the 92% in the ass and stir some emotion.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/penn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 1:54am on Nov 17, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
