I like the nostalgic feel of this piece. There is also some nice use of language in your description of the tree. I can definitely see and smell this quintessential holiday symbol. However, I feel like the poem needs a bit more of a place to go from there. I don't really think the last sentence quite rounds it off. It does not really seem finished.
I really like the concept of this poem, however it needs more imagery and poetic devices, and perhaps do the repetition in another way. Perhaps you could make it into a villanelle like Elizabeth Bishop's One Art, Sylvia Plath's Mad Girl's Love Song, and Dylan Thomas' Do Not Go Gentle.
I think you have good command of rhyme, and I can see that there is emotional integrity here. I think you need more imagery and poetic devices to make the work more effective. Also, try to avoid sentimentalism (that is trying so hard to get us to feel with you that it has the opposite effect) and try to provide some emotional distance.
I thing it is a good example of an acrostic poem, and there is some good imagery, but perhaps you could try to use less cliched images. You want your language to be surprising. Here is an example of a poem on spring by Marge Piercy:
More Than Enough
BY MARGE PIERCY
The first lily of June opens its red mouth.
All over the sand road where we walk
multiflora rose climbs trees cascading
white or pink blossoms, simple, intense
the scene drifting like colored mist.
The arrowhead is spreading its creamy
clumps of flower and the blackberries
are blooming in the thickets. Season of
joy for the bee. The green will never
again be so green, so purely and lushly
new, grass lifting its wheaty seedheads
into the wind. Rich fresh wine
of June, we stagger into you smeared
with pollen, overcome as the turtle
laying her eggs in roadside sand.
Notice how instead of saying the red lilies bloom in June, she says "the first lily of June opens its red mouth." It is at once more effective and less usual. I think you can definitely make your poem better upon revision.
I can see there is genuine feeling behind this piece, but it lacks certain characteristics that would make it remarkable. It needs more imagery and less straightforward explanation. I think you should probably check out Kim Addonizio's book Ordinary Genius: a Guide for the Poet Within because she explains everything very well. This book helped me develop a sense of what makes poetry art.
I definitely like the very slam vibe you have going on in this poem. It definitely sounds good aloud. There are some spelling and possibly some grammatical issues (though it is poetry so they could be purposeful). Otherwise, great job.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:26am on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
