Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

Choconut

Review Requests: OFF

2,174 Public Reviews Given

2,193 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

1

Credit this reviewer

#4785222

Review of I Write In 2019 and 2024 to....

for entry "Words Like Falling Leaves "

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 46 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

What a delightful little poem! I love the imagery you have used of words falling and tumbling like leaves from a tree. This fits well with the autumnal feeling we have at the moment. At least, over here, we do. I especially love your description of catching some of the falling leaves but letting others fall to the ground. It's like you have learned when to listen and when to let people's words slide off you. I think it can take us a lot of years to learn how to do that, so I love your image of just letting them slip. Then, you mention them crunching beneath your feet, and it feels defiant. As though you are saying goodbye to the hateful, undermining words. Love it.

You mention the aroma of leaves setting your mind into a story frame, and I could really relate to that. I think smell is the most evocative of all the senses. It has a way of taking us back to a certain place in time. It cn be good, but it can be bad sometimes, too.

I like the way you show us your words dancing and forming themselves into a poem. This is exactly how it works. The words just slot into place. My hubby thinks I'm odd because I often say I see in words. But I always have, so I don't think it's weird at all. I love the last line, where you say the words are, "caught up into my design." That's beautiful.

Suggestions:

I guess my only suggestion goes back to the aroma of the crunching leaves. You tell us there is an aroma, but you don't describe it at all. You could do quite a lot if you were to describe the woodland scents.

Parting comments:

This is a lovely poem. Really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

2

Credit this reviewer

#4784448

Review of Castle's Chessboard

for entry "Die With a Smile / Joker 2 Review"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi KingsSideCastle

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is written for Week 45 of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I was really interested to read your blog entry. I haven't seen this film yet, but it is on my Wishlist. I loved the first Joker movie. I thought Joaquin Phoenix was incredible. He really pulled on my heartstrings, and I found myself thinking about him for quite a while after the movie ended. So, yes. I want to see this movie, too, even though it didn't have particularly good critics' reviews. What do critics know, right? Don't worry. You didn't spoil the ending for me. I had read somewhere that this was how it ended. It is disappointing, that's for sure. I still don't know how he dies. So that's good.

I also hadn't heard this song before. I like both Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga, so I was intrigued to give it a listen. It's really a beautiful song, isn't it? It could (maybe, should) have been written primarily for use in this film. I love the YouTube link that you've given, where we can see what it would have looked like if It were used in the movie. It looked perfect. As though it was always intended to be used for that purpose.

Reading your blog has made me want to watch the movie even more. Joaquin Phoenix is so completely perfect for this role. I have to confess to not watching any other superhero movies. I don't enjoy that genre. But the Joker movies are more about human characters and their feelings and frailties, and that really interests me. I think I will have to wait until the movie is free to stream in this country, but it is something to look forward to.

Suggestions:

I can't say I would change anything about this. It is your own, personal thoughts about the featured song and movie. There are a couple of places I would check for grammar mistakes, but they don't detract from the writing at all.

Parting comments:

Thank you for introducing me to this lovely song. (I missed it on the newsfeed, somehow.) You have confirmed that I want to watch this movie as soon as I possibly can. Great stuff!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

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14 days may be credited.

#4783600

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ God Is... ~"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi ruwth

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 44 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

It is always interesting to read about the faith that other people have. And your essay is no exception. Your absolute faith in God is a joy to read. I can tell that it brings you enormous comfort, and I think that is one of the most important things about faith. The togetherness it brings is wonderful. To know you are never alone is fantastic.

A weird thing happened as I was reading your essay. I found myself feeling quite emotional. As I read your words about having "peace that passes understanding" I had a lump in my throat. This reminded me of my Mum and the faith that she had until the day she died. She taught Sunday school in her younger days, but aged twenty-six she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and it quickly became severe. Despite having many operations and being in constant pain, and despite losing her husband, and despite spending the last three years of her life bed-ridden, she never lost her faith. Her love for Jesus shone, and she was just about the most contented person I've ever known. And that is the power of faith. Yes, your essay reminded me of my Mum. It is a beautiful memory.

I read the poem, 'My Psalm,' that you linked in the essay. I know it's not part of the review for I Write, but I just want to say it is wonderful. I really like that you linked it. It is an excellent addition to this essay.

Suggestions:

I guess my only suggestion is I would have liked to read even more of your reasons for telling us that you believe in God. Like, maybe, some examples of times He has helped you through, and some times He has added to happiness. I know that may be a bit more personal, and I understand if you wouldn't want to. As I said in the beginning, it just interests me to read about others' faith.

Parting comments:

This is such a great read. Thank you for reminding me of my mother and what an amazing lady she was, and thank you for reminding me of her faith.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

4

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14 days may be credited.

#4782972

Review of God Only Knows

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Amethyst Angel 🍁🙏

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

Wow. What a powerful story! You hooked me right at the start, and I tore through the story, wanting to know if Beth would make it through. I didn't even make any notes the first time I read this. I was lost in the story. Your main character is so relatable, and I just wanted to give her a big hug and look after her. You have written her with warmth and honesty. She leaps off the page as a real person. I can't praise you enough for the way you have written Beth.

When I first read this, I loved how it was one am, and Beth had a craving for fries. It occurred to me, I'm sure we've all been there at some point. Maybe for a different reason to Beth's, but been there; we have. I also wondered, at first, why Beth was met with cold air as she walked inside the diner. I would have thought it would be colder outside than in. But you go on to mention the AC inside the diner. But, again, I just wondered why it would have been on at one in the morning.

As the story approaches the end, Beth tries so hard to stand up to Ken, and I was really impressed with her courage. This guy had clearly terrified her in the past, and yet, for her baby, she was standing up to him. I loved that. And when she finally spoke to the chaplain, who subsequently called the police, I was so happy. I was glad that Beth had found someone to help her.

Suggestions:

Only a minor niggle. When the song starts to play on Beth's phone, she closes her eyes and straight away knows that it is 'God Only Knows' by For King and Country and EchoSmith. But then, in the next paragraph she says she'd never heard the song before. So I just wondered how she knew what it was so quickly.

Parting comments:

This is a wonderful story. It is powerful and emotional. I like how you included the helpline number at the end of the story. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

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14 days may be credited.

#4782971

Review of The Amazing Mouse

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Damon Nomad

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

Oh, this story is clever! I thought Lisa was a real mouse until the point where Steve revealed his computer. Even then, it didn't click that Steve was Mr. Jobs. That relaization hit me right at the end. I have to say, when it did hit me, it made me smile big. So clever. It didn't even occur to me when you started out by saying the story was set in 1980. I was very slow, I think.

I love the story. I don't know how much it is based on the truth of what happened, and how much is your imagination. It just works as it is. I love your portrayal of the two main characters. Although you don't name the narrator, I assume he is Steve Wozniak? Your portrayal of Steve the entrepreneur is so vivid. He comes across as brave, visionary and single-minded. I love how he doesn't give up with his idea for the amazing mouse. Can you imagine how different the world would be today if he hadn't been so driven?

It is great to re-read this story, knowing what happened after this meeting. The idea of Crow not thinking Apple was a good enough name for a computer made me smile. I also like the intrigue of the name Lisa, and I had to Google it after I read this. I like the inside joke of what it stood for. I also want to mention how entertained I was by the three men discussing the possibilities of everything the computer would be able to do. With hindsight, it really makes me chuckle.

Suggestions:

My suggestions are all grammatical:

"It's the future, I see it clearly." - As these are two separate clauses, I would either use a period between them, or a semicolon. A comma doesn't fit.

"The investors are clear, no increase in funding over 1979 spending levels." - It should be a colon, rather than a comma in this sentence.

"He finished up, with his usual ..." - You don't need the comma here.

"I was curious to hear how Steve was going to pitch this, he had not shared it with me." - I would change the comma to a semicolon again.

Parting comments:

This is a great story, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Realising you were writing about Steve Jobs and the beginnings of Apple and the home computer was a real treat. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

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14 days may be credited.

#4782969

Review of The Missionary

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi LightinMind

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is a great story about the power of God, and the power that believing in Him has. I really liked the way the story progressed. At first, the main character feels overwhelmed by the hostility towards Christians, and his inability to make a difference in India and in the world in general, but then once he remembers the two clouds of which a wise man in California spoke to him, he has the power to change. By visualising these two clouds — "The cloud of forgetfulness below him and the cloud of unknowing above him." — he is able to sit in the moment with God. And in doing that, he feels peace and is filled with God's love.

The beginning of your story hooked me straight away. I love your use of all the senses to describe the setting of a fourth floor flat in a market street in India. The colours and noises work so well to creating this busy, sweltering, chattering mass of people. It feels oppressive, and I could imagine how your character had temporarily lost God and lost their voice.

The end of this story is perfect. You show how being a Christian is about helping others. It's not just about preaching your beliefs to other people; it's about showing them kindness and helping those who need your help. I love that message.

Suggestions:

A couple of minor grammatical points: "A woman in a bikini approached him and asked him to come with her to church and what man could have said no to her?" There should be a comma after church. Also, "This was nothing new, St. Thomas himself had been slaughtered 2000 years ago ..." The comma after new isn't right. These are two separate clauses, and you could either use a semicolon or a period to punctuate them.

Parting comments:

This is an interesting story, and I genuinely feel like I've learned some things about religion in India from reading this. Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed it.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

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14 days may be credited.

#4782966

Review of Where is Hullem?

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi PureSciFi

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is an interesting story that has left me with a number of questions about what is actually happening. Which is good because it means I'm engaged in the story, and I feel invested in the outcome. I have come away wondering what treasures Tomishi, Wenno, Avanu and Coonna were trying to harvest from the spaceship. What treasures that warranted the destruction of the craft? Who were these four was another question I had. Who were they working on behalf of? I was also intrigued at how their main purpose was not to kill everyone because they allowed people to get to their escape shuttles. Lots of questions!

I really like the way Geora dedicates his time to finding his younger sister, Hullem. He doesn't give up and save himself. He keeps searching until he finds her. That's an admirable trait

Suggestions:

In general, watch your tenses. This is written in the present tense, but in a couple of places you slip to past tense. Just have a read-through to check this.

I did wonder who in this story was in over their head, as per the prompt. I know that Geora and his family are trying to escape, but it didn't strike me that they were over their heads. They were just being attacked. And the four thieves didn't seem to be over their heads either because they got what they wanted without anyone revolting against them.

Parting comments:

I enjoyed reading this story. It's not a genre I usually choose to read, but this is very enjoyable. Fascinating, also. I was intrigued by the story. Thank you for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

8

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14 days may be credited.

#4782965

Review of Flight Q 986

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Sumojo

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

What a gripping story! I barely took a breath while reading this. I am terrified of flying, so this really resonated with me. It is exactly what I fear. Imagine being the only survivor. That would almost be worth than dying with the plane. You do a great job of describing the carnage inside the aeroplane. The twisted bodies of those who perished as the plane broke up in mid air are horrendous. And I really felt for the main character when she had to climb back on board to find some emergency flares. You totally had my attention with this.

I let out a chuckle when your character wondered what Bear Grylls would do That was a touch of genius. Because, really, Bear Grylls is exactly the person who could help out at a time like this. I liked how your character almost laughed at herself for thinking of Bear Grylls.

I thought it was a good insight when you wrote that your character prayed to a God she didn't believe in. Who wouldn't do that? I think you would try anything and, probably, make a bargain with that God to worship him for ever more if you could only survive. I thought that was a nice touch.

Suggestions:

I wondered why your character was the only survivor? What did she do that was so different to everyone else? And, why would no one have buckled their seatbelts after having been told to? It's just something I wondered about. More specifically, I noticed this typo: "'Yes! Thank you, God.' she screamed the words with relief ..." It should be a capital S in She.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed this story, despite the terrifying images it conjured in my mind. It's nice to be a little scared sometimes, right? Nice work. Thank you for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

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14 days may be credited.

#4782962

Review of In Over Your Head

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Weirdone-Back in the games

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

Oh, this story had me breathing a little faster! I love swimming. I'd spend every day in the water if I could. But I'm terrified of going underwater (an incident with a water slide to thanks for that). So, I felt a bit like I couldn't breathe as I read your descriptions of Ingrid and Alex going underwater. I could feel Alex's panic as he rose back to the surface with water in his mouth and nostrils and eyes. Which is a testament to how well you have written this.

I love how you say you have taken the prompt a bit literally. That made me smile. You really have. But it works really well. I felt as though I was reading a real life narration, a memory from your own childhood. All of the characters seemed so real. Evelyn was the perfect kid sister. I loved how Ingrid came to the conclusion that she was a pest at the end of the story. Finally, someone on Alex's side.

I chuckled when Evelyn asked Alex if Ingrid was his girlfriend. Typical annoying little sister. It was also nice to read the budding relationship between Alex and Ingrid. I can sense a first love story there.

Suggestions:

Just a few typos: "Oh no, The pool." I didn't feel like you needed to capitalise the T because you didn't capitalise pool, so it doesn't seem to be a proper noun. Also, "'No!' I cried turning red." I would place a comma after cried. "Alex, got his head wet for a girl." You don't need the comma here. Lastly, "Maybe it was because Evelyn wasn't nearby but I kind of wanted to try it for her." This reads as though he wanted to try it for Evelyn. But he actually did it for Ingrid. So I would change her to Ingrid.

Parting comments:

This is an enjoyable story that I found myself relating to a lot. Well written. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4782538

Review of Decision

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Sumojo

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 43 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This poem made me smile. I could really relate to the dynamics between you and your partner. It could have been taken direct from my life. My hubby and I rarely agree on which TV shows to watch, and I usually end up watching mine on my iPad. It's the same with music. I know they say opposite attract, but seriously.

The second verse made me smile with the disagreement of how to get to somewhere. Again, I can just hear this discussion taking place. Men always think they are the kings of navigation, don't they? Yes. This made me chuckle.

I like how you took the "either/or" prompt and turned it into something very relatable. And, actually, the end of the poem could even be about the current world political state. There is such a divide between left and right at the moment, and it does cause enormous division. So I liked that aspect, too.

Suggestions:

My main suggestion is for the rhythm of the poem. It is a little uneven at the moment. As you have the nice rhyme scheme of aabb, ccdd, it would be good to have an even rhythm also. I think the main place you could change is the end. I like the rhyme of decision with division, but I would strip it back a bit. Like, "Why can you never make a decision? / Your toing and froing is causing division."

Parting comments:

I enjoyed this little poem. In just eight lines, you have painted a vivid picture of what is (I think) something a lot of us experience. It made me smile, and I liked your creativity.

Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

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14 days may be credited.

#4781307

Review of Contest Entries

for entry "Chapter One: Dooms Clock Ticks"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Grateful28

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is written for Week 42 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

Firstly, you have won me over with this first chapter. I am intrigued as to where the story will go. I love the dragon. I'm not sure whether your main character can trust it, but I want her to! I think they will make a great team together, ruling the world.

Your chapter title is a fantastic hook into the story. I was intrigued to find out what has happened to set off the dooms clock, and also to know what could be done to save the world. One thing: In your title, you call it "Dooms Clock" but in the chapter, you leave the s off the end.

I love your imagination. I took a look at the picture prompt for this round, and I never would have went where you did with it. It's really creative. I love the Wizard Of Oz-ish feeling to it, with the main character waking in an unfamiliar land surrounded by odd-looking trees, and all she can remember at first is a tornado. That made me smile.

Suggestions:

Just a couple of typos I spotted: " I hope my last prediction would be a good one." It should be hoped, past tense. Also, "Nobody in their right mind wants to rule the world. But would love to bring peace." I think it should be, "But I would love to bring peace."

Parting comments:

This is an enjoyable read. I am interested in learning what obstacles your character will encounter, and also what she will have to do to save the world from the Doom Clock. Also, what will activate it in the first place? And can she trust the dragon? Lots of questions, which is exactly what you want from a first chapter. I would read on if I came across this. Great work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

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14 days may be credited.

#4780398

Review of Contest Entries

for entry "Skull None's Desire"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Grateful28

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is written for Week 41 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This story has me interested in the character, Skull None. That name intrigued me, by the way. I would love to know why the character is called that. Especially when the character's mother (I assume it is their mother, at least) is called Lilah. Which is a pretty normal name. But Skull None intrigues me.

I note this story was written for the antagonist in NaNo Prep. I had to look up the term lich because I'm not familiar with this genre. Knowing what a lich was made Skull None seem even younger and a little more innocent than I had realised. They seemed childlike in their desire to be the biggest, bravest, most expertly magical. But in doing this, they would have to become kind of undead. But that didn't scare them. They just seemed a little naive. Which was endearing.

I felt sorry for Skull None as their mother tried to discourage them from their dreams of being a necromancer, of being a lich. It was very relatable, and it made me smile.

Suggestions:

I guess my only query is with regards to the antagonist side of the story. I didn't really read any bad in Skull None. Because of the childlike qualities, they seemed like a young person having their dreams quashed. And, actually, from what I read when I looked it up, neither of the dreams that Skull None has are necessarily bad. Unless they do bad things because their dreams have been taken away. That's a possibility.

Parting comments:

This is an interesting story that gives a good insight into your antagonist. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4779486

Review of The Game

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Sumojo

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is also part of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

Oh, wow. This has hooked me good and proper! I am intrigued by these two characters and the game they are playing. The ring is a key part of the story, too, and I want to know what that is about. I wondered whether there had been many players of this game, and that whoever is sitting in the semi-darkness waiting for an opponent is the most recent winner. Which makes me wonder how many times the man with the gravelly voice has won previously. This chapter definitely worked to getting my mind buzzing with questions and ideas.

As you wrote this for the Chapter One Contest, I asked myself whether you have included all of the necessary elements of a first chapter: Have you introduced a plot with a great hook? Yes! Is there an idea of what the story will be? Yes. Have you introduced at least one interesting character? Again, that's a big yes. It really has everything one could ask for in a first chapter.

I hadn't looked at this contest yet this month, but you have inspired me to take a look at the prompt. I'm not sure I could write anything as intriguing as this, though.

Suggestions:

This is a tough because I can't think of any areas for improvement. I guess the only thing I would say is chapters are normally longer than 332 words. So, perhaps you could include a little more of the characters' backgrounds, maybe introduce something of why they find themselves in that dark room playing cards for their lives.

Parting comments:

I enjoyed reading this chapter. I don't know if you're planning on ever writing this as a novel? But, if you do, I would love to read it. Thanks for sharing this, and good luck in the contest!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

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14 days may be credited.

#4778131

Review of Activities entries

for entry "National Punctuation Day"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Grateful28

,

This review was written as part of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I read this Express It In Eight prompt yesterday, but I couldn't get my head around writing something clever for it. You have done exactly that, though. You have used a lot of different punctuation marks (I would add quotation marks to your list, though).

The last two lines made me laugh out loud! I love your comment about the grammar nazis not agreeing with punctuation not being necessary in poetry. I have been subjected to those very people countless times. I think I've finally accepted that in free verse, it is either all or nothing. I still try to be creative with my use of punctuation, though.

I love the randomness of the first verse. That made me chuckle, too. When the sailor suddenly appears and says, "Oh! I got a big one!" it took a moment for me to realise you said a sailor because you just mentioned a fish. I wondered why it was a sailor at first, but I get it now.

Suggestions:

I would add a in front of fish and plant because it doesn't read naturally as it is. I had to re-read that line a few times to make it flow. I think it also confused me because of the period on the previous line. It felt like it should be a comma. It breaks up the flow a little to have periods in such a short poem. (Although I know you wanted to use them or the prompt. But you have one at the end of the poem.) Anyway, these are minor points. On the whole, I love this poem.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed reading this. It made me laugh, and it's very clever. You have packed a lot of different punctuation marks into a short poem. Nicely done.

Choconut

Purple Choconut sig. made by Minja, gifted by Leah.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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#4775598

Review of The birthday virus speaks

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Grateful28

,

This review was written for Week 37 of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is a light dialogue only story that made me smile as I read it. When I got to the part where the birthday virus said that cupcakes and pies would stop it from talking for a while, I laughed out loud. I think it's safe to say cupcakes and pies would shut me up for a while, too.

When the virus gores into the numerical factors of the number twenty-four, I went a little cross-eyed at first. But, actually, I like that direction to take. It is different from anything else I've read, and it's not something I would have ever thought of. But, then you start to talk about the power of eight in that number, which leads you to spiders. At this point, I was creeped out. But, thankfully, you didn't describe them in too much detail.

I really liked the way this story took me to a place I never expected. When you got to the end, and you mentioned the painting of a swamp, I thought it was a random thing to mention. But, I'm guessing, maybe you've painted this yourself, which is why you thought of it. Whatever. the reason, I liked it.

Suggestions:

I did get a little confused about who was speaking when you (not the virus) mentioned eating the cupcakes and pies. As the virus had just said it would eat them, it confused me that you then said you would eat them. Similarly, with the swamp painting discussion, I found it a little hard to follow again. I had to go back and work out who was saying what. Also, just a minor thing. As this is a dialogue only contest, you don't need to use speech marks.

Parting comments:

This is a fun, enjoyable story. I love where your imagination takes you. It is creative and interesting to read. Nice work!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

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14 days may be credited.

#4775272

Review of Sharif

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Beholden

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is part of "Birthday Port Rally Challenge - Closed"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This story is really interesting. I love the intrigue as to who Auberon and his men really are and what they are doing on this particular road. I thought they were a group of bandits because you describe them as a 'band of ruffians.' I really like this description.

Now, I have to admit to not having read or seen 'Lawrence Of Arabia' since I was about five, so I could be way off track here. But, I think, maybe, that is who Auberon really is. I know Omar Sharif played him, so it makes sense that this could be about him. That would explain why the man, Husan, refers to him as the "king of kings" at the end.

I really like your descriptions of the desert landscape and the 'simmering' heat. The "baked earth" is a fab description. I could almost feel the way the earth would scorch my bare feet. The heat rising off the ground and the "parched desert" add further to this feeling. You really do an excellent job of making your reader feel as though they are in the story by making the landscape a character of its own. That's clever.

Suggestions:

Only one (picky) thing: "The larger objects were dead camels, sprawled in weird attitudes amongst the corpses." I'm sure this is my lack of knowledge, but the camels lying in "sprawled attitudes" didn't really make sense to me.

Parting comments:

Do you know what I loved the most about this? The way it reminded me of my dad. He loved this kind of film, and I could imagine cuddling up to him as a child and watching the story unfold. So, thank you. That's a wonderful memory.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4774224

Review of Thunderstorms In Spring

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi 👼intuey

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is part of "Birthday Port Rally Challenge - Closed" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is a really powerful poem. I love the way you use sounds to put your reader in the middle of all the noise and crashing thunder. I could almost feel the force of the tremors this storm was creating. (It was helped by the fact that we just had a huge thunderstorm outside.) But you don't just describe the roar of the thunder, you also include sirens sounding and car horns blaring. All of this turmoil is taking place, I think, reflecting the inner thoughts of someone who has lost their way.

I love the way you show the calm of the land after this violent storm. And then, the "golden orb" shines brightly, and you hold onto it, knowing it will pull you out of the darkness. When a mockingbird sounds in the last verse, I thought it was brilliant. A sign of peace and new beginnings.

I love the imagery you use in this poem. The way you work through a dark place, and are pulled out of it by listening to God is very positive. The rainbow that you see in this verse is the perfect symbol of hope.

Suggestions:

The only place I wasn't sure about was the motorcycle's revving engine. I'm sure it is entirely on me, but I couldn't figure out what it represents.

Parting comments:

This poem is very clever. I love the imagery you have used throughout, of the exterior hurricane as it arrives and wreaks devastation on the land, compared to the interior hurricane of losing faith and coming back to it to find peace. Great work!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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14 days may be credited.

#4773812

Review of My Tabby Tiger

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi H❀pe

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember, these opinions are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked

What a charming poem! I was drawn to this poem because of the cute picture you have used as the cover. Your kitty looks like such a cutie. (Albeit, a killer. But a cute one.) Is his name 'Tiger'?

I like the abcb, defe, etc. rhyme scheme in the poem. It makes it read fluidly and smoothly. The rhythm is really good for the most part.

The story this poem tells is my favourite part of it. I love how cute your kitty is, whilst at the same time, you are telling us how he is a natural born killer, catching butterflies and mice. Even rabbits. (Although, I did wonder if the bunny was only in his dreams, and not in reality.) My friend lives on the edge of some woods, and one of her cats was prolific in the hunting world. He often brought mice and other small animals into her house. I guess the temptation was too great for him, living where he did!

Suggestions

I guess the third verse is the one where the rhythm doesn't work quite as well. While I think the words are funny, they just feel a little off. I think it is "butterflies." The stresses of the word aren't quite right. But that is me being picky.

Parting Comments

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It is a great tribute to your kitty, who, I have to say, is absolutely beautiful. Great work.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

Image #2153543 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4773811

Review of The Ghost Of Me

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Jellyfish

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember, these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked

Wow. How have I never read this poem before? It is so haunting. As I first read it, I was wondering who the woman on the riverbank was. I thought it would be the ghost of someone who had died (which, arguably, it is). I should have taken note of the title of the poem because the woman was the ghost of you. That's deep. What a fab idea. It's clever, unique and creative.

I love your description of the water that is "black as coal" and "almost as still as ice." It's very evocative of that cold, dreary morning when the ghost of yourself sits waiting to take over you. My God, I've seen that ghost of myself a time or two, and it's always quite jarring. You describe it so beautifully, Jenny.

This poem kind of makes me shiver. This part, in particular: "And from her lips a whisper came / A truth I could not hear." I wonder what your ghost was trying to tell you. The fact that you couldn't hear it is interesting. Perhaps, a nod to the fact that we are generally pretty rubbish at heeding warnings from those who know better. Or, maybe, that's just me.

You have written this poem in common measure, and from what I can tell, you have stuck to this form perfectly. The rhymes are all wonderful, and the overall rhythm of the poem is great. The same for the pacing. It's spot on.

Suggestions

It's hard to find any way of improving this poem. I think it's fab as it is. I guess the only place I wasn't completely sure about was the end. When you said the ghost of you was waiting to take your place, I was surprised because I'd thought the ghost of you was who you had been, not who you would become. It's not a big deal because it works either way, or both ways.

Parting Comments

This is a great poem. I really love the imagery you have used. It is an intriguing poem that has left me with some questions I know will stay with me for a while. Great work.

Thanks for sharing, and happy account anniversary month!

Choconut

Image #2153543 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4773807

Review of Charlie Chaplin Chews Chocolate Chutney

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi ♥noVember tHiNg♥

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

This review is in affiliation with "The WDC Angel Army"

. Please remember, these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked

I was looking through your port for something I haven't reviewed before, and this title jumped out at me. How could I possibly ignore it? I had to take a look. This is possibly my favourite title I've ever seen. The thought of chocolate chutney ... well. If that were a thing, I'd buy it by the palette!

I love the inclusive contest you have here. Alliteration is something I love. My brain has a habit of automatically trying to make things rhyme or begin with the same letters. That said, I struggle with trying to write it. I'm definitely going to try to think of something for this challenge, though. I had a good laugh reading through some of your previous entries.

I just have to say a word about the merit badges you offer as prizes. They are all super cool. You really are offering great incentives for us to write something catchy and humorous.

Suggestions

I guess I just have a question, rather than a suggestion. I know we can only be entered once into the merit badge drawing. You state that. But, can we post more than one entry? You know, if we are super-inspired? (Not that I see it happening for me, but, it's just a question).

Parting Comments

This is a fab activity with an amazing name. I really love that, and think it's a great draw to anyone looking in your port.

Happy anniversary month, tHiNg!

Choconut

Image #2153543 over display limit. -?-

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4773804

Review of Transformation!

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Bodhisattwa Parekh

,

This review was written on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

What a delightful little poem. I really like this. It may be only a few lines, but they say so much about you and what is important to you. I wonder whether you still paint with brushes, just for relaxation, maybe?

I love how you compare the art of painting with the art of creating stories. Words verses pictures. I love it. I've always considered myself as completely lacking in creativity. But, then, someone said to me that that's not true because I create with words. And that is just what you are saying in this poem. I love it.

I really love that notion that words are art. This little poem has such a feel-good feeling.

Suggestions: Just a minor point. You begin two consecutive sentences with the word "But." I would simply take out the second one, so leave the lines as, "But, not through my brush / Through my pens." I think that works better.

Parting comments: I really like this little poem. I think you have painted a beautiful picture of writing as an art form. I am interested to know whether you still paint, though.

Thanks for sharing this poem.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4773802

Review of Awake At Night

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi yojina

,

This review was written on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" . It is part of "a very Wodehouse challenge"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I really like the contemplative nature of this poem. It's a great representation of the kinds of thoughts that run through our minds when we're lying in bed, wide awake, unable to sleep. Everything becomes bigger than it is during daylight hours. We worry about everything, wonder what is the point of everything. I like that you end by wondering about that everlasting slumber. I could relate to the poem a lot.

The beginning of this poem is great, where you describe time slowing down and your mind starting to "twist with unease." It's such a good description.

Suggestions: A couple of things. The second line has a period that shouldn't be there: "Time dragging its feet, slowly. As my mind twists with unease." By having this period, it makes two sentence fragments that don't make sense on their own. If you take it out, it makes perfect sense. The third line is the same. I would take out that period, also. The other thing is here: "Every night sleep avoids me in the dark." Evades is, I think, the word you were looking for.

Parting comments: This is a well-written poem with some thoughts and feelings that, I'm sure, everyone will have experienced at some point. Nice work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4773235

Review of Where, oh where?

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Joy Marsh

,

I am reviewing your flash fiction, "Where, oh where? " , on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" . The review is part of "a very Wodehouse challenge"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

You have a natural writing style that draws your reader into the story world and makes us want to know what happens to your characters. Now, I have to admit, I don't know the song 'Last Kiss' at all, but having read your story, I had to find it on YouTube, and then get the lyrics. Your story is a great response to that song.

Your character of the old man is what I love the most about this. You write him with compassion and attention to detail. For example, this sentence is wonderful: "Climbing up the steps of their creaking, old staircase, he clutches the arm rail a little tighter than he would've a few years back." It shows how the man is elderly, but the way the staircase is creaking at the same time really reflects the man's age.

The wife in this story seems very understanding. I'm not sure I could be quite so kind if my husband were obsessing over a lost love and writing her hundreds of letters. Okay, so she is deceased, so there's no danger of a physical affair, but this man's love seems to be bordering on obsession.

Suggestions: I did get a little confused when you introduced the current wife. After spending a couple of paragraphs detailing the life and death of his first love, you then switched into, "Sweetheart, Daryl and Julia are coming for dinner." You didn't give any dialogue tags to say who this woman was who was speaking, and I thought maybe his first love hadn't died, after all. It is explained a little later, but this brought me out of the story momentarily.

Parting comments: This is a really well-written story with lots of heart at its core. You did a great job with writing the old man's character, and it is clear you put a lot of thought into it. Great work!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4773225

Review of Castle's Chessboard

for entry "WDC Birthday Blog"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi KingsSideCastle

,

This review was written on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" . It is written for Week 35 of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

It is always fun to read the thoughts of other members on this writing site. The interesting thing for me is that, no matter how many people's accounts I read, the thing that stands out to them is the wonderful, welcoming community of writers we have. And your thoughts echo this. You say you have grown and developed as a writer, in part, thanks to this website and its many users. I couldn't agree more. I never stop learning about writing, thanks to the people who give their time to this site.

I couldn't believe you've been here for seventeen years. That's such a long time! I imagine you've seen a number of different people come and go, and I guess you've been there at the start of some of the site's big traditions, like The Quill Awards. It is interesting that you first signed up to read interactive stories. It sounds like, maybe, there were more of those in the early days of the site. Or, maybe, I just don't look for them all that much now.

I would love to know if you have ever run a contest or activity on here. Purely because I love to get feedback on the things that work for different people. I must look in your port to check that out.

Suggestions: I guess the only thing I'm left wondering is how much change you have seen since you joined seventeen years ago. I guess a lot has changed, in part, because of the massive strides the internet has taken since then. But it would be good to get your thoughts on how much WDC has changed.

Parting comments: I enjoyed reading this blog entry. It was great to get to know you a little better, and to get your thoughts on Writing.com. Thanks for sharing this.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4770653

Review of The cracked lamp

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Sumojo

,

This review was written on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" . It is written for week 34 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

Wow. This shot story really hit home for me. You have portrayed a woman who has been abused by her husband. He has left her lying in a heap. But, deep within, she has a strength he could never have dreamed of, and she decides to leave. I wonder what the backstory to this is. Is this the first time he has hit her? She does seem quite shocked by it, as though it might have been the first time. But, at the same time, it doesn't matter how much you're expecting it, the assault still comes as a surprise. So I'm not sure. It doesn't happen all that often that women successfully leave their partners the first time they experience violence.

I love the metaphor of the broken lamp. It has been broken in this attack, but it still works. It still has a light in it that glows and will not be broken. Just as this woman has.And the fact that she will fix the lamp and glue it back together is fab. She will keep this reminder that, although she is broken right now, she will heal and her scars will fade. She has made the positive decision to reclaim her life, and I love that.

You don't show us the partner in this story. You only show us his actions through the woman's eyes. He is not there at the point in which this story takes place. That is such a strong message that he is unimportant. We don't need to get to know him. He doesn't matter.

Suggestions:

I am guessing you wrote this for a contest with a strict word limit. As such, you have contained a lot in this little vignette. However, it would be nice to see more of this woman's journey of recovery. Maybe, give a little background as well. But, as I said, I'm guessing you had a word restriction.

Parting comments:

This is a powerful piece of writing. I don't know whether you have any personal experience of domestic abuse, but this definitely sounded as though you know what you're talking about.

Thank you for sharing this.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .