A very interesting piece...well written and beautiful (I know it's hard to write evocative poetry, from experience!). However, I would suggest following some form of rhyming syntax...although free verse works for a lot of poems, yours seems to call out for some sort of structure.
I feel it is, in part, due to the fact that you have words that don't exactly work, which is more easily forgiven when they reader feels they are chosen for a rhyme. In this case, for example, in your "i catch my breath, I simply can't believe" I was left wondering, why did she end on believe? There was no purpose there..the sentence continued, believe didn't seem to have any purpose...
Its difficult to pin down, more of a sense I got when I read it. Just thought I'd pass it along.
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