Considering a report that was in the news lately I am suprised that Kimber could do as well as she did. In the news report on NBC's Today Show, it stated how the U.S. government spends over $2,000,000.00 annually on remedial writing lessons for some 35% of government employees, and the errors from the inability of employees to write correctly and effectively costs us more than 3 billion dollars. This makes one wonder about public school teachers, like Ms Dobbs, especially in states where competency tests are not required; like my state.
Be proud of your writing skills todate and don't let the Ms Dobbs of the world deflate your enthusiasm.
I gave you a low rating because the story over all has a good plot and character structure. The use of archaic words and misused words threw my head sideways when trying to read the story, making me go hungh? What was that I had to re-read several sentences to figure out the meaning which takes away from the flow and interest of the reader.
Examples:
Drops tap loudly off of the porch’s roof here and turn the driveway into a puddle of mud so expansive that it threatens to swallow my car whole.
Why and how did "drops" off the roof cause a near flood? Also they would swollow you whole car as the adjective comes before the noun.
Once upon a time, it was a cheerful little heart, carefully carven into the wood. carv•en P Pronunciation Key (kär v n)
v. Archaic
A past tense and a past participle of carve.
Interments
in•ter•ment P Pronunciation Key ( n-tûr m nt)
n.
The act or ritual of interring or burying. Therefore the chirps of crickets here is misused or again throws the reader off because of a strange word that makes the reader stop and go Huh...what does that mean?
If I were the teacher you are turning this into I would mark you paper off for these types of problems. I do not know what type of class it is, but there are lots of grammer and language usage problems.
Ture emotions written as a girl waits to be seen. Even though it is more like free verse, I think it would be stronger if you gave it a true measure, either with sentence or verse length.
A good expression of what many young women experience at some point in their lives. Technical stuff. a comma needs to be placed between the that that in this sentence "It hurts that that seemingly small detail makes such a big difference"
Great connection to time and place. I rated and reviewed this one from your portfoilo as the title intrigued me. It is very inspiring and very spiritual. Good work Kat12
I gave you a 3 rating as the story keeps the readers interest. It needs paragraph breaks so the reader can take a breath and to add pause to your tension. Also when she opened her eyes she saw not seen or could see. It tells a tale too often untold of hurting children lost in a crazyworld.
Thank you for the insight. The art of letter writing is disappearing and to have a clue what to write and how certainly helps. I have been out of the writing and getting published world for several years, but am very anxious to get back in the groove and all help is appreciated.
Cheers
Cecelia
very sweet and would be reat in a Chicken Soup for the Soul or any compilation book of inspiring stories. Chicken Soup series are always asking for inspiring stories. Only one this I would change if you were to submit it, and that is to take out the double !! marks and make it only one.
I own a rescued pup and know how sad the pets can be when they are lost, and your story placed the worry on both you and the cat.
It stirs in me the truth of who the founding fathers of America were and their faith. Their faith was that as they founded this country we would be ruled by the majority vote as they left Europe and the British Empire to escape being ruled by a minority few.
What begs argument with me is the fact that as more and more minority groups gain control over the majority they will gain in other areas of control and we will be repeating the history that our forefathers fought and died for in faith that this country would remain true to the principles of the majority rules.
The minority don't always like what the majority agrees is their truth, so why should the majority be forced to accept what the minority accepts and believes as truth?
Sorry it wasn't as much of a review as a statement to say what your writing stirred in me.
Any writing that can stir the conscience of mind to me is excellent.
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