Let me begin by saying that as I read your piece, I found myself sitting forward in my chair and leaning in towards my computer screen. I wanted to know what was going to happen next. You set the story up well in your opening paragraph. I knew something awful was going to happen and I wanted to know what it was. I had a vivid picture of the world your characters occupied.
I struggled a little with the voice you gave your narrator. For me, his (her?) voice was overly formal, reminiscent of some of the older horror novels, and didn't quite jive with the modern day setting and the language you used during dialogue. Personally, I would have preferred the inner and outer voices of the narrator to match.
You used a lot of passive verbs - verbs modified by is, am, are, was, has, had, be, being. Your writing will have much more impact if you get rid of those pesky modifiers.
For example, this:
The face of the baby was hidden in the cradle of her arms. There was no crying.
Could become this:
She cradled the baby and her arms hid his face. He did not cry.
I'd also suggest avoiding words like felt and heard. These words tend to weaken what you're trying to convey.
For example, this:
I felt immobilized at the mere sight. My eyes remained fixed on the pools and the hideous smears and tracks which protruded. In my bewilderment, I felt a deep sense of dread, not only for the woman, but for myself as well.
Could become this:
The sight immobilized me. My eyes remained fixed on the pools and the hideous smears and tracks which protruded from them. A deep sense of dread overcame me, not only for the woman, but to my bewilderment, I worried for myself as well.
I have one last note for you. Religion should be handled with care. For a moment, I liked the idea of your character being called and acknowledging that call. However, I quickly became uncomfortable with how you conveyed that message and found myself scanning the last several paragraphs.
Well, my interest is piqued! I'm anxious to hear what happened!
Let me begin by saying that I prefer a more natural tone to the stilted and somewhat archaic one you've chosen. However, you've done a nice job of keeping the voice of your character consistent and natural for him (or her?) and it's helped to give your piece a somewhat gothic setting.
You began many sentences with the word "though" and it began to feel redundant. In fact, a couple of those sentences are still a fragment, or lead me to feel like they're an incomplete thought:
Paragraph 2 sentence 2: Though I have made, indeed do make daily, a conscious effort to steer both thoughts and words away from the horrors of that night.
Paragraph 5 sentence 2: Though my mind remains pensive mistrustful and somewhat ill at ease.
Paragraph 6 sentence 1: Though the doctors medications provide a modicum of relief in that I am calmed and almost carefree when its effects are upon me
I read the word "though" as a connecting word in these sentences and find myself aware that they aren't connected to anything.
I found a few possessive nouns that would like their apostrophe : doctor's ... Devil's ... town's
In my own writing, I tend to use fragments a lot to show disjointed thought. I also tend to use them a lot on accident! In paragraph 7, you have several fragments that really stand out because the voice of your narrator is so eloquent and formal.
Sentence 2: A modest affair.
Sentence 4: A deliciously well cooked meal, hearty and filling.
Sentence 9: And Mrs Jones recalling similar anecdotes as the local school mistress.
Now, with all that being said, what are these unfortunate, if not unusual, occurrences you have alluded to? Please continue writing! I'm ready for more!
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