This is a good introduction to your story. I am interested in this story, I will keep on reading it. You are able to convey to us the dread that you are feeling as you return to the house. I wonder what you will find there. Is it interesting? Yes. Count me in in this reading. You are able to allow the reader his/her curiousity to be heightened in your description of the story. I hope it does this for this reader. Please lead the way dear lady mouse. If I may call you this. I would appreciate this happening.
One tough lady mouse, looks like she has some poo to disturb, I hope she does well in your creation. I look forward to reading it, When you get to work on it. Take it easy on yoruself. Don't worry, you have a story you want to present to world. The world is your stage. Get those fingers flying over your keyboard. The time is now. Keep the faith you can do it. Let's get her done.
This story is different she is travelling from one place or another. Whenever she closes her eyes. She is somewhere else. It is interesting though. So, count me in. The way that you have been able to allow us to know these details. I have found the opening to be good for us to read. Keep at it. Your work is able to draw us into your realm.
I am curious so that is why I am here? I am enjoying the tale you are writing. The girl has been expelled from her school for suggesting she is a lesbian, The boys she was speaking to may have informed the school of what she had said. So, she will have to go to another school.
This is great. I loved the story, the squirrel has humans building something on his tree. The way that you have brought to us. the squirrels pain at having his home attacked. The humans have done this to his home.
You are able to allow us to understand how the squirrel is feeling towards the humans who have done this to his home. You have brought us to know how the little guy is feeling toward the humans who have brought some human contraption to his home.
I enjoyed the description that the squirrel wants to show how upest he is about this happening to him. The description is good. It carries the reader toward a better understanding of the squirrels and possibly how they feel toward us humans. It is a great story. Keep up the good work you have done here.
This is good. You have been able to allow the reader to understand the fear your trying to convey to the reader. You have been unable to truly pick up the fear to its enormity. The way that you have been able to allow the reader to understand these details.
What do their features look like.
This was interesting, you have brought us to understand what has happened to them. Their candy was stolen by whom they suspected were teenagers. When they took off their masks, they revealed that they were aleins from space.
The children were frightened when they saw the faces of the aliens beneath their masks of the presidents. The aliens returned to them their candies infact doubled their amount of the candies.
The children were impressed, they than saw the spaceship that the aliens were going into. It is very good. Thank you for allowing us to read it.
This establishes that she is new to the school, she just arrived. Is her father in the military, my father was and we got posted every 4 years if not longer than that. You are able to allow the reader to understand this fact, by her brother taking to the school. She has arrived in school, she has met one of the other teachers who has guided her to her class room, by telling her where she is supposed to go.
She has arrived there. Finding the class room, she has met up with two boys who were in her class. They were talking with her, after she gave them her name. She has found that one of the boys whose father is a friend of her father even.
She was afraid of coming here, Possibly because it was new school that she is attending, she does not know anyone there yet.
This is definitely an interesting opening. He has been told thet his fellow theives believed that there were millions of dollars in the owners office. No one has found it there yet. Not even the others who entered the club, but they found it. The secret room what was in there they did not kno
The way that you have brought back his memories by looking at the pictures is good. His memory of wife is well done, remembering her beauty in her pleasent laughter when talking with the people who know them. It brought back memories that should be dealt with in a greater fashion of memory. It causes the reader to remember times when he has seen himself in his youth, his mother is telling him. That he should not dwell too long on the things that were before. Memory can be good. Trust in the love you have with the people you know. Ask them to tell you what they see.
This was good, it shows that we as human beings do not truly see who we are. WE see the points which others see as a blessing. If we are small in stature, we feel that we are not enough. We do not see what others see. Someone who is small can fit into tiny places, we are careful not reach too far.
My wife's family tower over me, when I first arrived at their door step I said, "Welcome to the land of the giants. I stand maybe 5"2 and a 1/4, the shortest one is 5"9'the rest are taller than that by far.
I am developing a pot belly. NO it is not a pot. Think of yourself as being what you are?
A human, with a few flaws. No one is perfect.
Your story goes a long way in showing the security of us all. Believe you are and you are? Aren't you.
This is very good. You have been able to draw us into your thoughts. The way that you have brought us the curious figure who has a way to create artistic designs with his talent of art. He has begun to the create his work, he took the toys that were damaged to recreate them with his skills. He took the creations to allow the public to see his work.
Taking them to show where he could show off his craftsmanshup to public. He has been given a great deal of praise, he is unique or is he?
This is interesting. You have heightened my interest in your story. The way that you have been able to allow us to want to know more about the man who handed the waitress the hund. The description you have described is good, it brings the reader into want to know what has happened here. You are able to have the reader to want to know more about the scene where the woman has been found.
This is good, you have been able to allow the reader to understand what you are saying about having someone named after a celebratity. The expectations may be raised higher than they should be. The person may not be able to allow the friends to see who they truly are.
You have been able to allow the reader to understand these details that the reader has to learn about the child's own desires. You are able to allow us to fully understand these details to the potental parents.
You are able to allow the reader to have to be able to do these things.
This is very good, I loved the part where the journalist is afraid of birds and her reaction with the birds in the water whom they are rowing toward. They trumpted and spread their wings to show their fear of them.
The swan who led them to the crime scene. They got a good story about the drug deal that was happening there. The death of an undercover detective who has died durying his investigation of the crime.
It was definitely a good story to read. Keep at it, you have quite a writer's voice.
This very good. The last chapter is new, I was surprised that her memory came back. So, she is an empath to animals. The human's who have found her have accepted her into their midsts. The way that you have given us these details are good, you are able to allow us to understand what she is doing in a conventional way. The details you present us with are able to allow us to further understand her plight.
The fire she reacts is very deadly, she has no control of over it or does she have to learn how to control it. She has supplied us with some details of her world, where she has originated from is not here. But on another planet or time when the earth or whatever she wants to call it is beforee we have developed cars, rockets,or other things we are used to having here where we are presently
This was good. The detective who can solve the illusions is good, the way you were to present this story to us was interesting enough. He arrives where the crime is totalk to the person responsible for this to have happened in.
He hears the voice of a lass who is talking to him, she presents to him what they are doing here, She tells him what they have to be willing to do this. The way that they have been speaking, he is afraid of what the maniac is doing> The one he has to find has identified him as being Inrfernis. I think, I can't be sure. The man who his tracking has set up a maze using his mental abilities to do this. The detective figures out what is the true path is.
He follows it to find the criminal. He causes him to forget where he is. His power is lessened to the effect the detective has captured him. This good, but you should describe the maze a bit better, have us see the trap[ that he experiences with his mind should he go off the path he is on.
Sounds like he has a problem, the women still do not know he is a male. He could be in a great deal of trouble if he gets caught. They are bathing together, he has not allowed them to see his male appendage. He would be in a great deal of trouble he enjoyed his seeing the women's breasts.
He is aware that he could be in trouble especially with the two other woman walking in on them, He is looking at the other two woman who would put him in danger. The danger he was facing could have him slain if he was caught doing this.
This was in the scene you wrote. Good work, the description you have written are good the explanation of this happening is good. I thought the figure in the black trench coat was someone other than the protoganist, but it wasn't.
The way that you brought the MC to life is good. We feel what MC is doing and how he was feeling toward the students who are teaching Drama. The set people are doing as they should. He saves Stella from the falling moon that fell where they would have been if he did not move out of the way.
You are able to draw us into the world where they are. Sounds as if they are hugh school students, you are able to have us experience what they are feeling toward each other and the MC's father. Who he dislikes ememnsely, but knows he has to do what he can to allow them to survive in the house they live in/
Wow. This is a great scene, the way you have described the sceen makes it feel real the only thing, is that when you are freezing. You skin grows warm as the cold seeps into your bones. Before death. Your appendages feel this way as the nerve centers shut down. Your skin is red from the cold and the blood loss. It finally becomes black from blood loss.
I think this may help in your description of the cold seeping into his body. The cold makes the body numb from the cold. You are not frozen as you would think. I was on a military base, from a posting from the martime provinces to this base. When we arrived it was forty below.
It was a dry cold so you do not feel the cold as you would in the martime province. I took off my jacket, mits and hat put them in my school bag as I saw teenages standing there dressed in jean jackets smoking at the curb, I thought id they could do this so could I. I learned different on that day.
My nerve centers do not recognize the cold thanks to that
This is good. But you have us awaiting their attack on the darklings and reapers who have fallen into their reign. You have been able to draw us into your realm. The way that you have described the races of the people in the community is good, Nina was also a noble, but she is barren. So, she has to be disowned from her family.
WAlyon loves her and has said this to her at the MC's urging. She accepted his desire to do this. She tells him that she is upset at his doing this. The group is a fearful of what their doing this. The MC has not sprang the question of what his fear is. The fourth triangle is doing this.
This is great. The way, that you have them running for their lives. They have beat the darkling in the other chapter and the end result that they know one more of them is there. The girl who he was sent there as a friend, is caught by them as they open the door.
the confusion that they are feeling is real. The student feels that their has to be a way
to find the enemy whom he feels are with in the city where they are being trained. The fear that they are feeling has to be recognized by the others. The danger that they have been in is realized, The student believes the group of reapers he knows are good friends are possibly the fourth triangle.
They are concerned, the next two chapters should be goos.
This was good. I enjoy your humor. The way that he and his mistress are behaving when they enter the finders work place. His sugestion that she should dress him was cute. The way that they have behaved as they awlk the streets in the town in search of the darklings is good.
The attack on them both is good, they have made out the darklings have human friends in the community. They have to kill the humans as well. The humans went them dead as well. It seems that the two of them are known before they even arrive. Someone wants to remain a secret has been killing the people who know things off in advance to have these two know these facts.
This was fanastic, you have been able to allow the reader to understand your plight, The squirrel is trying to tell you he should not be missed with. The way that the squirrel behaved may be able to allow his action toward you.
If you try to forget about the squirrel who has been making his nest in your yard. The way that you have been able to walk away from the squirrel. There are pronlems are that there are probably has more squirrels. They have 20 in a litter, they can get pregnant every other month. So, you will find that they are numerous and will do whatever they want to do to protect themselves.
hi,
Me again, this story is accurate. It is able to convey thereader to have a good deal of knowledge that you supplied to the reader. I found it to be of interest, that way that you have brought thid to our attention is unique, It feels as if the reader is there in his skin as they read the story. It maybe better if you describe to us perhaps a physical description of and perhaps his family to carry on his name.
This is an interesting screen play. they want to use a time machine, that they have built but they don't know how they could do this again. They have been trapped here. They are frightened by their arrival where they have gone. The tale is good it illustrates the danger of using one of these machines.
They are turned over to the King when they are caught in the alley where they are sleeping. The story has a lot going for it. But I think the language that they spoke 500 years ago would be different then the tongue they currently speak. I don't think I could pull off speaking to someone from there using our current dialect and tongue.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rickyallen
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 1:56pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
