Hello Again, Matthew :) Glad you liked my review. And yes, I am back for more of your story!
" Inside she found a hinged box containing golden ring that hung..." containing A golden ring (missing "a")
"It was a chore keeping this secret as we hung out yesterday, I don't think I have any fingernails left." Read this a few times to remember the reference... and I still did not understand your 'having fingernails left' part until it finally clicked. As the observer, you could add at the end of that quote: And it was true, Wells had chewed a few of her fingernails to nubs.
Her Dad's goodbye: "... Remember your training and never give up hope, even when it seems that all hope is lost. The journey ahead for you is a long and winding road, and will be very trying. Keep your head up and your eyes open." Sorry, sounds a little cliche'...? A bit cheeky? I was almost expecting you (as the Nathalya narrator) to make some statement about how she WANTED to roll her eyes at her dad's cheeky goodbye, but didn't want to offend him.... or something like that. (This way you can keep the cheeky dad goodbye by acknowledging it as such, or...perhaps ya should maybe rewrite it...?)
As I decided to read the entire chapter and then come back for a second read (to get a big picture view and THEN the details), I noticed a general trend: sentences with lots of "and"s, combined with much-needed ","s. The effect: it creates run on sentences and sometimes challenging distinctions, essentially creating the need for a reader to reread sentences for comprehension and / or clarity. I will be sure to point them out as I come across them during my second read.
Big picure feedback: the story continues to be interesting enough for me to want to continue, but I admit feeling just a tad ho-hum. That's because: despite opportunity for more drama and excitement, I was surprised that the story unfolded somewhat matter-of-factly. Thus I was never drawn into chapter 2 emotionally. It was all like, "Oh, that happened. And they survived. Cool." So please know that I am still interested in reading further, I can't help but feel that more mystery and a tad more exciting drama could be introduced to create suspense and reader interest.
With the above in mind, I will be making some comments / suggestions / adding questions, and all are aimed to help guide you to areas where I see you can strengthen the story.
Ahhh, and I was also wondering: What is your demographic target? Younger sic-fi readers? Teenagers? etc..? I saw that you categorize it as "13+", but I myself (as a brother sic-fi reader) picture WHO it is I am writing for, which seems to help focus my writing a little deeper perhaps - like when I am thinking of older readers who I feel can handle thinking :) If I am writing for younger readers, I could see writing with a less depth. Anyway, just wondering if you'd thought about that....
" It looked old and rusty. " - The ship looked old and rusty. (inside and out? just the outside? How did she feel about riding in it...safe? or did it add to her stress?
Upon entering the ship we are told: "They were alone and at the back of the cargo hold. " Which seems to be at odds with 2 facts - 1) we know others entered the ship, and 2) later on she finds the scientist who gives her then envelope. This section feels very bare. More description can be added so that the readers can FEEL something when the ship goes down and Nathalya and Wells are the only survivors. You can do this by having them notice a few things about the other passengers (including the scientist so we can connect back to him later when he is discovered dying.). They can also observe that all the others choose to sit more forward in the ship, while the 2 of them choose to be more to themselves, in the back of the ship by the cargo doors.
"They stowed their bags beneath them and..." - They stowed their bags beneath their seats and..."
"The craft vibrated around them and Nathalya wondered if it wouldn't shake itself apart." - ...wondered it it WOULD shake itself apart."
"...much to the chagrin of Nathalya's stomach..." a stomach can't "chagrin". that is a characteristic of a person :)
chagrin |SHəˈgrin| noun
distress or embarrassment at having failed or been humiliated: Jeff, much to his chagrin, wasn't invited.
instead perhaps:
"Suddenly, Nathalya's stomach pointed out that the transport had dropped out of the bay and out of the Constable." or...
"Suddenly, Nathalya's stomach told her that the transport had dropped out of the bay and out of the Constable."
" Thrusters soon came online and propelled them towards the lonely war-torn planet below." - The thrusters were already online (as you suggest the ship hovered in the bay just a bit ago). Maybe you meant: " Rear thrusters kicked in and propelled them towards the lonely war-torn planet below.
"Well that was interesting," Wells said contemptuously. (I'm not sure that's exactly what you are looking for.) Suggestion: just leave the word out.
Contempt: showing contempt; scornful: she was intolerant and contemptuous of the majority of the human race.
Original: "The flight was not a long one and after an hour or so passed by, Nathalya could see tiny details of the ground below."
Suggest: The flight was not a long one, and after an hour passed by, Nathalya could see tiny details of the ground below.
I love this sentence: " Nathalya's adrenaline kicked in and things seemed to immediately slow to a manageable pace as she pushed the fear aside. "
missing comma: "...to find her emergency parachute, which she..." (I added it where one could be)
missing comma: "...hit a large red button, and the cargo door ..." (I added it where one could be)
"... slammed into the forest floor and began to billowed thick black ..." (word should be billow: began to billow)
"...She had passed out in the fall..." for clarity: Wells had passed out...
In that whole paragraph, please check for clarity in the use of "she", vs using their names.... couple more places need correction.
"She could see light above, but the forest around her was dark."
She could see light above, but the forest around her was dark as a result of its density - little light was getting through"
awkward: "Wells, who started to follow, let out a cry of pain when she stepped forward and fell to one knee."
suggest: "Wells started to follow, but let out a cry of pain with her first step; she fell to one knee."
missing connection: "The bad news is we won't be able to go far, you need to rest it and keep it cool."
re: "pungent black smoke..." How did they know how it smelled...did they go through it? And if so, that's not really realistic because of the toxicity of fuels, etc. burning on a downed spacecraft (I'm thinking you meant something else.)
pungent |ˈpənjənt| adjective
having a sharply strong taste or smell: the pungent smell of frying onions.
as is: "She looked around her at the carnage and ..."
suggest: "She looked around at the carnage and ..." (remove "her")
current: "After a short distance, she came upon a man laying on the ground and wearing a long and torn white coat."
suggest: "After a short distance, she came upon a man laying on the ground. He wore a long, white coat - torn and burned in places."
current: "He stretched his arm out and held the envelope up. It quivered for a second then fell beside him. "
suggest: "He stretched his arm out and held the envelope up. His arm quivered for a second then fell beside him, still holding the envelope."
current: "...a single name scribbled in ink in shaky letters on the front"
suggest: "...a single name scribbled in shaky ink letters on the front"
You write: "...they were traveling North by Nathalya's best guess and the trees grew thicker and taller. " Later on you talk about them crossing a few small (creeks?) and eventually they come to a river. What caught my attention in this is that if they are traveling north then they would be traveling in the same direction as the creeks, streams and rivers. Which means they wouldn't be finding a bunch of them to cross. (Gravity causes most bodies of water to travel from North to South, yeah?)
"...There were no creatures around on the surface, but birds and owls ..." surface? you mean ground?
""I think we should go no further for today," said Nathalya. "I'll probably miss the convoy, but there is nothing for it...." - I have no idea what "but there is nothing for it" means....?
an example of the "ands" thing mentioned above: "Wells nodded and Nathalya left her sitting there and walked a short distance to the river."
idea: "Wells nodded. Nathalya left her sitting there and walked a short distance to the river."
"... like an after dinner desert." desert - is the sandy place. dessert - the sweet stuff we like. Was told long ago: Dessert is twice as nice as desert! Ha!
When the vehicle first came to find them in the forest, I thought it was a low-flying vehicle and did not know otherwise till much later. Here's where that can be clarified...
original: " Together they watched as a pair of lights danced in the distance, disappearing behind and passing between tree to tree as it weaved through the forest.
suggest: "Together they watched as a pair of lights danced at eye level in the distance, disappearing behind and passing between tree to tree as it weaved through the forest floor." (Adding the "at eye level" and "floor" make it CLEAR its on the ground.)
"Drop your weapon and identify yourself!" shouted the figure. " (She was carrying a weapon? Why would he say this?)
when she answers: "We were in the back, near the cargo doors. Everyone else must have been seated up front." It sounds weird with her use of "must have been", since that sounds like a guess. But she KNOWs that everyone else was seated up front, ...yes?
So: "We were in the back, near the cargo doors, which is what we used to leave the ship. Everyone else was seated up front. I have no idea why no one else escaped, sir."
Ok, so that's all I can do for now. It's been over 2 hrs since I started this review and I need some sleep!
Peace!
River
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