Very nicely done! The "hook" at the end of the poem, pointing out our fleeting existence, was excellent (poignant, too). I liked the way you set up the stanzas, the repetition of "the forgotten" throughout the poem.
Only one line troubled/confused me, and I'd suggest you consider reworking it: "They died at no cost of their own." It makes it sound as though their deaths cost them nothing (but, of course, most people would agree that death is the highest price we can pay), but I got the sense that you meant it more like "They died at NO cost to their own" -something that would imply that, in modern war, those at home don't generally suffer for the loss of soldiers. We don't remark on it as we should (which is very appropriate given the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq).
Overall, great job! I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
I've been meaning to read this piece for ever, and I'm so glad I did! It was a very heart-wrenching and brutally honest retrospective - I'm sure writing some of this causes you to relive some of the pain of your experiences, but the result is very effective and moving, too. The one point that really caught me off-guard was the CEO who said, “even if you are a lesbian, it doesn’t matter to me.” Interesting, and as a straight person, I'd never have thought it could cause so much pain. But then again, I have a good friend who said that saying you're "sorry" for someone's loss of loved one deeply pains her.
The point of your piece, of course, is well-taken. We are who were were born to be, and we all deserve acceptance and love. Beautifully done!
The title caught my eye - I have a good friend/co-author who lives in Chicago. Nicely done and a little chuckle at the end (or is it wistfulness?). I particularly enjoyed the "better times, better rhymes" like - very clever. You've captured a bit of the feel of the city, of the fleeting meetings and partings we often don't even appreciate. This lovely, short poem made me smile.
I'd love to see you expand on this a bit, maybe a second stanza? I realize this is an older piece of yours, but maybe a new take on the glass girl, looking back again would be an interesting challenge.
Overall, a great start (and very gruesome!). I really like your way with the narrative - it's very poetic and evocative. The set up is, of course, enticing...it makes me want to find out what this new universe is, and who this man is (is there a romantic interest here, or just platonic?). You've clearly set your narrator up for something positive, although the opening is very grim and dark. And I want to know how he died, too.
The only thing that hit me as a little awkward was the change in your tense from the begin with the present tense to the past (more typical for narrative). I would keep it all in the present - it's very fresh, and it grabs your reader. For example, "He opened his mouth to speak" would be "He opens his mouth to speak." Or "“Come, stand with me, my child,” the man once again spoke, holding out his hand to me. I gingerly lifted myself to my feet" becomes "the man once again speaks, holding out his hand to me. I gingerly lift myself to my feet." I really like that better.
A few other suggestions that might make it easier on your reader, but more minor. When you're formatting, be sure to put double spaces between your paragraphs. That's a little tricky on WDC, but you can just do them manually, if you don't want to have WDC do it for you. The narrative is very dense, with long paragraphs, and for folks like me, whose eyes aren't so young anymore, it would be an easier read (I usually make the typeface larger, too, but that's not as big a deal). You've got a few typos you might want to clean up. 5' 7__ is one - I think you meant to put " after the 7. You wrote "My apparently permanent pale skin" but I think you mean "permanently" there. If you haven't already, I highly recommend having a few people read over your work (I almost never catch all the typos in mine, lord knows!). I also read aloud - I tend to catch more things that way.
I'll be watching to see what you do with this! -SA
I really like what you've done with this! Wonderful setup for the story - the traumatized boy fleeing his home, not sure what he'll find, and the sweet/warm world that David lives in, but doesn't realize how warm and wonderful it is. I like the lead-ins with the emails, of course - it makes the story more original and accessible to young readers.
I really enjoyed the simplicity of the poem and the sweet rhymes, as well. You have a few typos - at least the way I read it. You write "your simple an angel." Do you mean to write "You're simply an angel"? I would have rated your poem higher, but for the typos. Great job - keep up the good work!
Really lovely! I love the imagery and the title really does have that onomatopoeia - you hear the sound of breath in the word itself. You write in my favorite type of poetry - without a lot of structure to hold back your thoughts. It's very expressive.
My only constructive criticism would be that you've one typo that distracted from the piece. In the last stanza, I think you mean "Pour" not "Poor."
Excellent job - I look forward to reading more of your work!
Interesting piece. I liked the sense of time existing in a vacuum - you're never sure reading this whether it is in the present, the future or the past. Are we seeing their relationship grow? A memory? Keep up the good work.
Nicely done! I love the use of the IM'ing (Skype?) in the setup to the story. You have a lovely, poetic way with your narrative style. I can visualize the dark sky, the soaking wet kid in the Rocky Horror t-shirt -the dark backdrop that sets up the revelation of abuse. It makes me want to learn more about Matt's history and makes me hope that David will be the catalyst for a better future for Matt.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rukilex
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:18pm on Dec 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
