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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ryuryan2409
Review Requests: OFF
30 Public Reviews Given
41 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a thorough reviewer with a strong focus on story, character and Grammar. I will give first impressions, give my views on individual categories of the story, and make corrections where I find them. I'm straight-forward in my reviews, and will call it as I see it. However, I won't be harsh. This is a place for growth, not ridicule. Finally, I'll give a summary, and a rating out of 5 in the review, as well as in the Star Rating.
I'm good at...
Character and Story analysis, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Thriller.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Non-Fiction
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Nightmare  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello cErTiFieD p$ychOp@Th Author Icon

I have just finished reading your piece, "Nightmare" Open in new Window., and would like to give you my opinions on it.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are given in the interest of honesty. Nothing said is meant to cause offence.

First Impressions: The first thing I noticed about this was the layout. I'm afraid that, like many of us, you have fallen into the trap of Block Writing. A lot of this story is fast paced, and filled with action. This requires short, succinct sentences and short paragraphs. Also, block writing is difficult to read. Space it out, and your story will be much easier on the eyes.

Grammar: A few things caught my eye in this category:

"But tonight there was something different about it. Something that nobody could explain. Something that made Michelle scream in horror and stare harder at the book" These three sentences feel like they should be part of one. Perhaps it would read better presented like this 'But tonight, there was something different about it; something nobody could explain, something that made Michelle scream in horror and stare harder at the book.'

"Michelle realized that she was no longer sitting on her bed in her lovely room. She was standing in the midst of a cemetery!" The period in this should be changed to a semi-colon.

"There was no doubt about it. She wasn't dreaming." I would miss out the 'She wasn't dreaming' part. It slows down the pace and lessens the tension, which is the opposite of the effect you're trying to convey in this story.

"But the figure ran after her, caught up easily and blocked her way. "Michelle, don't run from me." Start a new paragraph for every speaker. Keeping all speakers in one paragraph makes for difficult and confusing reading.

" "Ouch!", she exclaimed." You don't have to put 'exclaimed'. The exclamation mark would suffice.

There is one last thing I'd like to talk about; exclamation marks. These should be used sparingly. You use a lot of them in this story, too many for such a short piece. Also, only EVER use one at a time. Multiple exclamation marks do not add extra emphasis. Finally, do not mix exclamation marks with question marks, ESPECIALLY not multiple exclamation marks. These make work appear over-embellished, and amateurish.

Character: This is a very short piece, but the character behaves in a believable manner. I think that screaming at the cover of the book seemed a little over-the-top, but that's just my opinion.

Plot: The plot of this story is simple. I liked simple. Simple is nice and easy to follow. I feel that a bit more could have been done during the cemetery scene to add to the tension, but otherwise it was good, plot-wise.

Originality: And it was all a dream, or was it? This is not an original concept, but there is nothing wrong with that. Many of the best stories/books/films etc... are simply re-tellings of older stories, presented in a new way. You have done this in an unusual manner, but effective, manner.

Overall: Overall, this is a story with potential. Watch out for block writing. Believe me, your readers will thank you for it. Also, work on building the tension in your story. In a horror/scary story, tension and suspense are everything. Keep writing!

*Star* Thanks so much for sharing your work, and I hope to see more from you. *Star*

Write On!

Yours Sincerely

Ryan

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2
2
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Breaker~A Vigilante Ranger~ Author Icon

I have just finished reading your piece, "Review Template Tool (Assignment One)" Open in new Window., and would like to give you my opinions on it.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are given in the interest of honesty. Nothing said is meant to cause offence.

What I Liked: In short, I loved this template. There is little I would change about it. It is short, so no excessive amount of text to read through. It is clearly split up into well marked sections, so it is easy to find comments on a particular aspect. It is concise, nicely laid out and above all; SIMPLE. There is no jargon of terminology that even a beginning author would not understand.

Suggestions/Improvements: As much as I loved this template, there is one thing missing, one aspect that every writer needs to know about to help their work improve, and that is PLOT. The author needs to know if the plot works. Does it keep your attention? Does it follow a logical pattern? Can it be easily followed by the reader? All of these are questions the author is asking themselves, and they need the answers to them in the reviews they receive. There is a simple way to correct this here. Add in a PLOT section. Once that is done, you have a brilliant template.

Overall: A great little template that is simple and to the point. Were it not for the missing PLOT section, I would have given this a five. I have received (and, I'm ashamed to say, given) reviews which are comprised almost entirely of corrections. If I were to use your review tool, that would not happen, as GRAMMAR is near the bottom of your list, which is something I need to correct in my own template.

*Star* Thanks so much for sharing your work, and I hope to see more from you. *Star*

Write On!

Yours Sincerely

Ryan

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3
3
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello breshke Author Icon

I have just finished reading your piece, "Christmas Magic " Open in new Window., and would like to give you my opinions on it.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are given in the interest of honesty. Nothing said is meant to cause offence.

First Impressions: Based on the title and the description of your piece, I was surprised by it. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but it wasn't this. But that isn't a bad thing, surprising your readers is a good thing.

Grammar: There was only one thing I noticed, and it is very small:

"with a smile and small sniff. " I think this should read 'with a smile and a small sniff.'

Character: You did a great job here of bringing the characters to life. They seemed like a real family, worryingly similar to one I know. The girl have a medium-sized panic attack over a stuffed nose had me giggling as I read. I could really see this happening. Bravo!

Plot: There is nothing so much fun as reading something different, and this was something different. Having an entire story based solely around a little girl panicking because she can't smell trees was interesting. I really enjoyed it.

Originality: I can say with complete honesty that this story reads as something different.You have a talent for character, and bringing them to life in fantastic ways. The entire premise of this story is basically: What if a girl had a stuffed nose? It takes skill to take something like that and make it entertaining. Skill you have.

Overall: Overall, I loved this piece. This was but a letter away from five stars. I may be wrong, you might have intended to miss that letter out. I can only read what I'm given. This was a very entertaining piece. Well Done! Well done indeed!

*Star* Thanks so much for sharing your work, and I hope to see more from you. *Star*

Write On!

Yours Sincerely

Ryan

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4
4
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Newbie-To-Newbie Review.

Hello Freelanceink Author Icon

I have just finished reading your piece, "Passions of the Unrequited" Open in new Window., and would like to give you my opinions on it.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are given in the interest of honesty. Nothing said is meant to cause offence.

First Impressions: The counting of the steps at the beginning of this piece set up the tension well. I was initially a little confused, I thought they were bell tolls. I had to re-read it a couple of times, but maybe that's just me.

Grammar: The grammar in this piece is good, with only a couple grammatical errors I could spot:

"I’m sorry Darby." This is where my over-picky side kicks in. There should be a comma after 'sorry' here.

"the vale below, a chorus to" I think that a semi-colon would work better here than a comma.

I also have a quick suggestion to make:

"lakeshore flickered green-silver, green-silver." I feel like the repetition of 'green-silver' here is unnecessary. It sort of halted the pace of the piece.

Character: In a piece as short as this, creating full characters is quite difficult. You managed to create realistic portraits of the two characters, in their actions.

Plot: Plot, so far as it goes, isn't a major factor in this piece; a side-effect of its length. I can't hold this against you.

Originality: The premise of unrequited love is as old as fiction, but it's worked particularly well here. The idea that neither hold a strong grudge against the other is an interesting statement on social pressure. I liked it.

Overall: Overall, I enjoyed reading the piece, and sympathised with both characters to some extent. There is one thing that is bugging me, though. It seems like the third part is a continuation of the first, with the middle being a flashback. I found it quite difficult to grasp this initially, until I read it several times. Once I understood that, however, the piece seemed much more alive and dynamic. I think, perhaps, a quick transition either at the end of the first part, or the start of the middle, would make this piece much easier to read.

*Star* Thanks so much for sharing your work, and I hope to see more from you. *Star*

Write On!

Yours Sincerely

Ryan

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5
5
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are given in the interest of honesty. Nothing said is meant to cause offence.

First Impressions: My first impression can be summed up in one word: Block. You must take care not to fall into the trap of block writing. Space out your paragraphs a little more, it makes the piece far easier on the eyes. Overall though, an interesting piece. I could see this as the prologue to a novel, but maybe that's just me.

Grammar: As far as grammar is concerned, the man issue is pacing. Some of your sentences are longer than necessary. Below are a few examples:

"But old stories speak of a time right before the Phoenix burned out for the very last time and heads into the afterlife it lays a single egg, which hatches and spends the first hundred years around the human it was born with." This is a very long sentence. Try breaking it up into smaller pieces.

"After a few seconds, the egg started to slowly vibrate, and all eyes were held to it, including the new born child who hadn’t cried once since the bird started singing his song, and just sat still and quiet, watching things he could never understand." Another very long sentence. The comma after 'vibrate' could be replaced with a period, changing it into two much more easily manageable sentence.

There is one other thing I would like to point out:

"child to be born, the bird sat quietly radiating its heat into the hollowed-out tree" I would suggest putting a comma after 'quietly'. This will improve the way the piece reads.

Creativity:This is a fairly creative piece, including some interesting fantasy elements. I liked the Phoenix and the idea of the "One Birth." While the idea of human-animal bonds has been used over and again, I would need to know more about said connection before commenting on it.

Overall: Overall, I thought this was a good story. The block-writing did make the reading a little harder, as well as the pacing issues, but other wise I enjoyed it.

Write On!

Yours Sincerely

Ryan

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6
6
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are given in the interest of honesty. Nothing said is meant to cause offence.

First Impressions: I really enjoyed this piece. There is something very chilling about Emmitt's cold manner. Not the kind of person I'd want to meet in a dark alley. The story was very well written, with good imagery throughout.

Grammar: Only a couple of things to note here, and nothing that really detracted from the reading experience.

"clutchin his bible" I think you've missed an apostrophe after 'cluthin'.

"He smiled back at them for a while, I couldn’t say how long, then he laid the picture down" I think that the 'I' in this sentence should be changed to a he, since this is being written from Emmitt's POV.

Creativity: This was an interesting piece, definitely one worth reading, which had an interesting premise to it. The settings were well described with good use of imagery.

Overall: Overall, other than the minor errors I saw, this was a great piece. It was clever and chilling, and kept my attention all the way through. Well done!

Write On!

Yours Sincerely

Ryan

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7
7
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello. I'm a new writer, who has (god only knows why) decided to jump in at the deep end and write a NOVEL!!!! I really could use some help, reviews, critiques etc....... I am an avid reader, and will gladly take part in reviews, forums and the like. Would it be possible for me to join?
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