I'll throw in some notes as I read this and will add more comments here. I'll try to put all of my comments in blue. One note on posting stories: include the word count somewhere in you document. I like to see it at the top of the chapter.
I think you have a story worth telling going here, but I had a hard time being interested in any of the characters. Figure out why I would care about Kyle and get it out there. Also, I suggest rewriting this chapter in third person POV to see if it sounds better. I think you will benefit from being able to enhance the descriptions from the point of view of an uninvolved narrator. Using a first person POV limits your descriptive ability to what the protagonist sees and experiences. I noted in a few places that you need to show instead of to tell and to use active verbs. Passive verbs like saw and felt reduce interest in the story. To grab a reader's interest, a writer should start with action. My starting point would be the beat-down by Josh and fill in the reasons using backstory. I hope I've helped without discouraging you. I believe you can come up with a good story, and trying the different points of view should make it much better. I did not read any of chapter two. Thanks for letting me review your story.
Sailor661
WHAT AM I?
Written by Damen DeMarcus
"That will show them," I hammered the last nail into place. I stared at the door numbly. I knew I should feel more than the cold air, but I didn't. Blood dripped down from my hands. I Too many sentences starting with "I" wiped them on my pants and glanced around. The darkness of the starless night hid the stains of blood. I shuddered. Still in shock that I had survived. I needed to keep running; staying alive depended on it.
I stopped walking, and against my better judgment, crossed the field and entered the woods. The wind was like a girl turning somersaults. The trees like old men just sitting there waiting to die. The rain fell steadily, drenching the plants and trees. The rain felt warm This is telling. Try showing what it felt like., yet I found myself shivering. I turned up my face to watch the individual drops fall to earth, threads of silver gleaming in the sky.
I couldn't help but start thinking about how this life all started, only a few days ago.
Chapter 1
I inhaled the crisp, clean air; it was exhilarating. Bare trees are keep the tenses the same. Inhaled and are clashscattered around the school grounds. Most students hated Monday morning's arrival almost as much as health class.
My old silver car skidded around the corner and into the parking lot. Thanks to the aging tires, my wheels didn't leave a single tell-tale mark. I came to a stop inches from what appeared to be a 1989 Jaguar, then backed up into a parking space across the way. Kicking the car door to get it open, I felt the books dig into my back as I heaved my battered blue bag out with me.
The bright red paint of Josh's jag invited the pointy tip of my car key. I imagined the color disappearing from his square face, and his disproportionately small eyes swelling to the size of quarters , upon finding my initials inscribed above the gas intake. Alternatively, the crime could be kept anonymous, and a jaunty lightning bolt could go in lieu of my initials. But, as they say, no guts, no glory. After ample pondering, I decided to postpone my funeral and head into class.
I pushed through the school doors and went to my first period; health. My teacher sighed when I came in but didn't say anything. As usual. Slipping one headphone into my ear when no one was looking, I turned on my iPhones playlist. Nothing like some good old rock and roll to start your themorning.
"For all of you who weren't here the first ten minutes of class," She who is she? shot me a glance. "We're going to continue learning about the effects that drugs and alcohol can have on our bodies."
She set up the projector while a student dimmed the lights.
"As I'm sure you all know-," she said, clicking a button so that a picture of a few pills and powders appeared on the white board. "Drugs can destroy your lives. They can cause severe damage, and sometimes even death."
Blah, blah, blah.
I doodled a grim reaper on the corner of my notes, scythe raised over the school's principal.
"Now I know you're all young, but a moment of fun isn't worth it."
I didn't raise my eyes to the board. Ms. Anderson was right, but not like I'd let her know it. Case in point: My father. My mom got into drugs and ran off with her drug dealer. Then my dad got depressed. He changed. He resorted to alcohol to drown his sadness, and himself. Now it was all he was. He was nothing without his bottle, and that's where all the money went.
I drew a football surrounded by hellfire. Now I was getting somewhere.
Forty minutes later and the teacher started handing back our last assignments.
I put away my note sheet, which now covered with everything but notes, and picked up the paper.
D!? How the heck could I get a D in health? It was the paragraph part apparently. The bell rang.
"Mr. DeNine, would you please stay for a minute?"
Sighing, I sat back down staring expectantly at Ms. Anderson.
She approached me as the last student left.
"Did you see your final grade, Kyle?" She asked.
"Yeah," I said, nodding. "I don't think I deserve that."
"Really?" She said, raising an eyebrow. "Because if I remember correctly, the assignment was to write a paragraph on the adverse effects of narcotics."
"Didn't I?" I asked, impatient.
"No." She picked up my paper. "You wrote: 'Narcotics are wrong. If you use them, you might die. So don't. Or at least don't get caught."
"That was one, two, three, four sentences" I looked her dead in the eye, "I believe that's a paragraph."
She sighed. "I'm going to have to give you detention."
"What?!" I jumped up from my seat. "You can't give me detention for a bad grade."
"No," She said, clearing up the desk beside me. "but I can give you detention for repeated tardiness."
"Come on," I said, following her. "Do you have it out for me or something?"
"I don't have it 'out for you' Kyle." She sighed. "I have it in for you if that's even an expression. I think you're not taking school seriously. So-" She said, turning on me. "You're going to help out the school drama club for the next week, at least."
"The drama club? Seriously? That's beyond lame." I exasperated.
"Well, it's that or sitting in detention hall every afternoon for two weeks." She smiled. "Your choice."
I was leaning against the walls behind the stage while the "actors" practiced their production of some Shakespeare play. I banged the back of my head against the wall repeatedly. If I hit it hard enough, could I get a concussion?
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed one of the actors wearing a black trench coat staring me down.
A girl with blond wavy hair approached me. I looked her over.
"Hi. You're Kyle right?" She was surprisingly cute, with casual but unique clothes. I stood there for a moment taking in the feeling she gave me in the pit of my stomach. She was in my English class, but I could never dream of her talking to me... She knew my name. She was dating the varsity swim captain, Josh Walker. The same "Josh Walker," that had terrorized me all throughout middle school. But I had to admit; I understood why she liked him, and not me; I mean he was an athlete, attractive, and very well liked. And I was, well I wasn't precisely a model, I mean I had dark brown shaggy hair and matching eyes. I wore boring round glasses that resemble Harry Potter's and, thanks to puberty, had pimples scattered across my face. I always walked with my head down and my back hunched over trying to hide my looks. My dad always told me to stand up straight.
"Kyle, girls, like it when guys walk straight; it shows them you're confident." He repeatedly said to me.
I didn't listen; I knew once a girl took one look at my pimple covered face they would be disgusted. Sometimes I considered wearing a paper bag over my head, thinking I would have better luck.
I could see that Jennifer was still standing there waiting for a response and looking at me with an 'are you okay?' look.
I sighed. "Hey."
"Ms. Anderson said you'd be helping us out, so follow me." She smiled.
I tailed her to the other side of the stage.
"Every once in a while, we need to change things on the set." She explained, rather animatedly.
"So you can help out Michel with that." She pointed to a nerdy looking kid who waved at me. "It'll be dark during the actual play, but we'll practice in the light, so you guys know where to go."
"Not like I'm going to be here for that long or anything."
"... Right."
One of the actors motioned for her. "Hey, Jennifer, we're doing scene two, come on!"
She managed to pull out another smile. "Well, it was fun meeting you."
I moved the sets and pulled ropes for nearly an hour. The stage hands had to put them in place and take them down on cue, making sure the floating ones were secure so they wouldn't fall over at an inopportune moment. We wouldn't want to squish the little Shakespearians, now would we?
I found myself casting glances at Jennifer once in a while. The way she'd spoken earlier, I thought she was one of the directors or something, but she was one of the lead parts. Not bad either.
Suddenly I had the feeling that someone was watching me again. I looked around, expecting to see that creepy man in black, but it wasn't him, it was Josh leaning against the wall by the back door. He was just looking at me with a flat look on his face. I stared back. After about three seconds of eye contact, he turned and walked out of the building.
Eventually, most everyone was gone, but I had to stay and help put stuff away. Stupid, conniving teacher. I'd underestimated her for the last time that was for sure.
Suddenly Jennifer was beside me, a bunch of scripts in her hand. "You did well." She smiled approvingly. "What'd you think of the play?"
"Eh." I shrugged.
She laughed and punched me on the shoulder. "We're excellent, just to let you know. We won last year's contest."
"What, the weirdest dialogue contest? Or was that yesteryears?" I teased
Her face fell, and she turned away. But she stopped halfway across the stage and turned back to face me, her eyes on fire.
"What do you know anyway? I bet you couldn't tell a comedy from a tragedy."
"Uh, this is a tragedy," I said amused.
She made an angry noise. "You're just jealous because you can't participate in any of our plays. You obviously have no imagination."
No imagination? Hah! In fact, I could imagine the moon piece that was hanging above her falling on her right now. Wait, that wasn't my imagination.
In the split second that it took for the rope to come undone and the full moon to fall to the ground with a crash I'd jumped forward and pushed her out of the way, sending us both to the floor.
"Ouch." I murmured, holding my wrist.
"You okay?" I asked her
She pushed a piece of hair out of her face and looked at me; her mouth stuck open. "You... saved me."
"Ha, okay don't get carried away. You wouldn't have died or anything it's made out of drywall. It probably wouldn't have fallen if I hadn't been tying the knots. You can let Ms. Anderson know I'm a safety hazard." I tried to push myself to my knees but let out a cry when I put pressure on my right hand.
"Are you okay?" She asked, worriedly.
"Yeah," I said, standing. "Think I just sprained my wrist."
"I should take you to the doctor's." She said.
"It's fine. I can go there myself." I said, brushing myself off with my good hand.
"Oh yeah?" She asked, grabbing my wrist.
"Ow! What's your deal?"
"How are you supposed to drive there if you can't move your wrist?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Uh, with one hand," I said, annoyed.
"Please just let me drive you to the Doctors." She said, pleadingly. "I can take you back here after so you can get your car."
"Ugh, fine." I rolled my eyes.
"Good." She flashed a smile at me. "This way."
I followed with my head down, feeling both irritated and delighted to spend more time with her. As we walked out the door, I noticed the man in the long black coat standing still in the back shadow of the stage curtains.
"I am not getting in that," I said, eyeing her car.
We were standing before a Prius that had been painted pink with black racing stripes on the hood; complete with a fluffy white interior.
"What?" She asked, getting into the driver's seat and patting the passenger's seat. "It's starting to rain."
And so it had.
I sighed and slipped in. This would end me, it really would.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, while I sank out of sight every time we passed someone on the street.
"So, uh, thanks again." She said.
"No problem," I replied, looking out at the glum weather.
"Really, though. And," She bit her lip for a moment. "Sorry about yelling at you, that wasn't very nice."
"It's all good," I said casually. "And I'm sorry too, but you guys do sound funny." I laughed.
She smiled a little too. "Mm, maybe. But only to the untrained ear."
"Oh, sorry." I winked at her.
Eventually, we reached the office, waited a little while, and finally got in to see a doctor. He told me about what we'd expected, except that we had to pay for his 'oh-so-knowledgeable' thoughts.
It was a sprain, andI'd have to wear one of those velcro casts for a week or so. Awesome.
Jennifer drove me back to the school and stopped by my car, virtually the only one left in the parking lot.
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow." She said.
"Yeah, can't wait," I said sarcasticallyIf the correct verbs are used, adverbs aren't necessary. The fewer adverbs, the better..
I watched her drive off. Maybe pushing her out of the way of that moon wasn't such a bad idea after all.
I got into the car and coaxed the engine to start.
By the time I reached home, it was nearly ten o'clock. But of course, Dad didn't care. He was usually at work all night and day anyway.
He was sitting on the couch, nearly in a stupor. Half a dozen empty beer cans surrounded him, and the smudges on his face indicated he'd been crying.
"Hey." I sighed as I pulled my backpack off and put it by the door.
I gathered up the cans and went to the kitchen to throw them away. I opened a pizza box but found that it was empty so I threw it away. Wasn't much food in the fridge, mostly condiments, so I had a couple Cheese-It's and pickles for dinner, making a mental note to buy groceries tomorrow.
I grabbed a large mixing bowl, two Tylenol, and a bottle of water and went back to dad.
"Drink this," I motioned for him to take the water. "And these," I put the pills and bowl on the coffee table. "are for when you wake up with a headache and feel the need to throw up."
"Thanks, NancyWho is Nancy? Doesn't help the story using a different name.." The man slurred his words, and his head fell to his chest.
I sighed again, then used the remote to turn off the TV.
"Night," I whispered to myself.
Ignoring my alarm on the chilly September morning was easy. The dream I wanted to remain in was far more persuasive than the squawking on the bedside table. After the sixth snooze button option, I decided I could still be on time for class if I skipped my shower and breakfast. That plan went up in smoke when I dashed into the yard in time to remember my father was using my car.
I hadn't dressed appropriately for the weather. I was reluctant to walk to school, to say the least. I arrived hooded and shivering, in time for second period English. Jennifer came in soon after, joined at the elbow with her boyfriend, Josh. She made a big spectacle of giving his letter jacket back to him and kissing him before sitting down. I wondered if the show was for real...
Ms. Mitchell started the lesson. It was hard to pay attention with Jennifer just sitting there scribbling in a notebook. I leaned over a bit pretending to stretch to see what she was writing; at the top, it said the date followed by a sketch. It was a man shadowed in black
At the end of class, Ms. Mitchell then called for attention, and the class went silent.
"You guys need to pair up, you and your partners will have to write a short story about 5 to 6spell out numbers pages long; it will be due in two days." Ms. Mitchell announced.
At once it got loud and everyone was calling out to each other in hope to get a friend as a partner, I was sitting there with my head down while everyone was yelling and running around. I knew that Jennifer would have everyone begging to be her partner and I heard her name called several times.
Then Ms. Mitchell snapped "Quiet! Obviously, you guys are too immature to pick your partners, so I'm going to choose for you. "
Everybody groaned. Ms. Mitchell began calling out the pairs.
"John and Becca, Peter and Jake, Mathew and Amanda, Jennifer and ....Kyle"
I looked up at once astonished, Jennifer and I looked at each other, and I expected her to look disgusted but she wasn't, I couldn't see any disappointment on her face, she just said, "Guess we're partners."
I couldn't speak. I saw Jennifer was waiting for an answer.
"Ya-yeah," I responded stuttering.
"We should meet up after school in the library," she said with a smile on her beautiful face.
"Yeah umm sure that's fine," I responded taking deep breaths.
"Okay see you there," she said and smiled.
Why was I so shy around her? I couldn't help but get a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost like something was moving in my belly, and I felt a tingling all over. Thinking about it, I concluded it was butterflies. Not that I would know what it felt like, I've never even had a girlfriend before, and here I am a high school.... Pathetic.
Just then the bell rang, thus snapping me out of my thoughts and making me realize I've been just staring at Jennifer, zoned out for probably a few minutes now.
I continued throughout the day feeling elated show Kyle elated not tell me that he is as I went to my other classes. All I could think about was Jennifer and me, alone together after school. Suddenly I wished I didn't wear dirty clothes, I wished I would have tried to look good today, but it was too late to think about that now. I was in my last period counting down the seconds for the bell to ring,
"One..two..three........four hundred and fifty-six..."
I kept counting till it finally rang and gave me a burst of excitement. I jumped out of my seat and walked as fast as I could to the library, cutting through the field to make better time. When I made it to the library, Jennifer wasn't there yet. I got my books out and got ready.
I waited for a minute or two and then heard two people arguing, they were getting louder and louder, and I listened to the librarian shushing them and telling them to please take it outside. I finally realized who it was arguing, as Josh and Jennifer came in view.
"It's over! I'm sick of finding out about you hurting people! Now just leave me alone!" Jennifer shouted.
Josh looked like he was going to break down, but then he made eye contact with me, the sad look on his face turned to rage.
"Who's this!" Josh barked as he pointed to me.
"My study partner!" She told him defensively rolling her eyes.
"Righ-hh tt, Spell it correctly. The reader will get it." Josh said sarcastically.
"Listen punk!" He said with a threatening look. "Stay the hell away from her you greasy haired freak! She's my girl, and if I freaking see you with her I'm going to rip your head off!"
Jennifer rolled her eyes "I'm not your girl anymore, and he's just a study partner, so get out of my face! You don't own me, Josh!" Jennifer was angry now. Josh turned and left, and there was an awkward silence between us now.
Jennifer broke the silence "Sorry about that." She blurted out.
"Don't be, it's fine," I replied.
"Okay, well let's get a move on this project!" she said enthusiastically.
I nodded in agreement. For the next hour or two, we were bouncing ideas off each other. We kept writing and erasing as we kept changing our minds for the story and coming up with something better. Finally, we finished the first half of our report. It was looking like an A+ paper, we both knew that. We gathered our books up and walked out the library.
"Thanks for helping me. There was no way the paper would be this good if I had to do it on my own." She chirped.
"Yeah me too" I chuckled.
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Kyle." She walked away waving goodbye.
"See ya," I said quietly.
I flipped my hood up and begun to walk home. I lived about 2 and a half miles away from school. I hated walking. It took forever. I wished my dad hadn't needed to take my car today, but he was in the army and had to leave at 4 in the morning and usually didn't get back till late at night, or not at all. It was only my dad and Ime, so I was always alone at home.
I kept walking taking a different route in an attempt to make a shortcut. Narrow, back alleys between old warehouses, all had crumbling red brick and smashed windows. It was dark, about 6:30 judging by how the sun was completely out of sight, except for the small line of light coming from the horizon that was quickly fading.
I was looking up, watching the moon slowly make its way up the darkening sky. I knew I had a little more than half a mile to go. I tried not to think about it. I saw four figures ahead. Getting closer; I saw it was four guys tossing a football around, their laughter made its way to my ears.
I didn't look up as I made my way past them not thinking much of it. The laughter of the boys stopped and silence filled the air. As I looked back to inquire, all I saw was a spiraling football growing in size as it closed in on my face. Instinctually my body attempted to move to the right, out of the way of the incoming object. It nailed me on the left side of my face knocking me back to the gravel road. I laid there for a second feeling dazed. I knew that was no accident.
I looked up to see Josh Walker standing above me with his three friends behind him. The stuff from my bag scattered on the road. Then one of Josh's friends, Cory, picked up my binder and stared at it with his mouth hung open.
"Umm Josh you might want to take a look at this," Cory said still staring at the binder.
"What?" Josh asked as he walked over to see.
I had a terrific sketch I made of Jennifer on the inside of my binder.
Josh's reaction was immediate. His normal, pale complexion burst with color as redness filled his face. Veins stood out on his forehead, and his fists begun shaking. Even his nose started to twitched Wrong Tensewith fury.
"I'll Kkill Yyou." He said in a cold voice.
Everyone knew Josh had a bad history of violence, and I was terrified; I jumped up and ran as fast as I could. I turned right on the first street hoping to find an adult or people or anything. They wouldn't attack me if people were around. I kept running too scared to look back.
I came to a dead end, looking back and forth for somewhere to run or hide, but it was too late; I could hear their footsteps getting closer and needed to lean against a red brick wall for support thinking I would pass out if I didn't.
Josh, Cory, Mike, and Seth surrounded me. Josh and Cory were on my left side now, with Mike and Seth on my right.
Josh shoved me against the wall and held my throat with his right hand.
"I'll kill you" he repeated softly in my ear with the same cold voice.
Holding my throat, he pulled my head a couple of inches away from the wall, then still with my throat in his hand banged my head back against the brick wall with so much force my vision temporarily went black. The feeling of wetness slowly streaming down the back of my neck was all I could think of as real fear gripped me.
I needed help. I prayed to God for a miracle. As the darkness cleared my vision, I saw a man in a long black coat standing under a tree just watching in the dark. I began to shout,
"Help! Help me please!"
The man didn't move.
Josh let go of my neck and looked back at the tree to see who I was calling to, then looked back at me after reassuring himself that no one else was around and came back with a hard right hook that threw me to the ground.
"Please help me!" I shouted again when I the man reappear from behind the tree, but still the man didn't move, just watched.
I was on the ground and could feel blood spilling from my mouth. I tried to stand up, but then feltdescribe it! a shark kick to my stomach.
The kicking didn't stop. I could hear ribs crack and feel bones shatter.
I stretched out my hand towards the place I had seen the man. As I did, a foot stomped down hard on my sprained wrist with a crunch. I realized that I might die here. I was face down. My body felt numb. I could faintly tell I was still being pummeled in the head by the way my skull kept jerking to one to one side repeatedly.
"That's enough!" A boy's shout, muffled.
"Yeah, I think he's had enough" I heard Seth agree. I could hear them trying to pull Josh back. It took both of them to peel Josh away from the violence he was reveling in.
Finally, Josh gave in. "You are right; we better get out of here before cops come. I'm sure someone heard him whining like a girl" Josh laughed I could hear him turn and walk back down the road, dragging his feet in the grass in an attempt to rid his shoes of blood; the others followed and did the same.
"Help, heellpp, help" I kept muttering quietly to myself. I could feel my consciousness going.
I heard footsteps walking toward me and the cracking of gravel. I opened one eye and could faintly see the man in the black coat hovering over me.
"Help me," I said gasping for air.
My throat felt This is passive. Use active verbs.like it was collapsing and I could tell I was drowning in blood, my mouth was full of it and every time I spit it out it just filled up again.
At this moment I was filled with hatred, not for Josh, but for myself, because I am skinny and weak and useless. I could feel my mind let go. I was lying in the grass. My entire body reverberated with pain. I could feel my legs folded under myself unnaturally. With every breath, I seemed to get colder. Suddenly my body shuddered. Ice in my bones. Dimly I knew I was in serious trouble. If I didn't get help soon, I would die.
Every breath got a little harder. My shivering was filled with pauses now, and the breaks were getting longer. Above, over hanging branches formed a canopy. I could feel my body shutting itself down. Slowing breath and heart rate. My muscles were becoming rigid. At least I no longer felt cold. There was a vast sense of relief for not having to move. I was getting so tired. My body had begun the process of dying.
I'm in trouble.
"Somebody, somebody, please. Dad?"
My last thought was, it's just like going to sleep. Then all at once, there was no rigidity, no discomfort. I felt light, and calm, and free. I was floating up near the canopy. I felt warm. It felt so good to be warm again. It seemed as though my body filled with the light of the sun.
I laughed in pleasure. "But where am I?" Didn't something just happen? Something wrong? On the ground below me was a huddled figure. A small boy covered in blood. The boy's face was delicate, lovely bone structure, but the skin was a terrible flat white, dead looking, the eyes shut, eyelids crusted in blood, underneath I somehow knew the eyes were a golden brown.
"I get it, I remember, that's me."
The realization didn't bother me; I didn't feel any connection to the huddled thing on the ground. I didn't belong to it anymore. With a mental shrug, I turned away, and I was in a tunnel. An enormous dark place with the feeling of being vastly complicated somehow. As if space was folded or twisted. I was rushing through it. Flying. Points of light were whizzing by.
"Oh my gosh" I gasped
"This is the tunnel. This is happening! Now! To me. I'm really dead."
I felt a strange sense of unreality. The edges of myself were blurred as if somehow, I was a part of the tunnel, lights, and motion. I didn't have a body anymore.
"Could this all be happening in my head?" With that question, for the first time, I felt frightened. I had no control where I was going, and the tunnel had changed. There was a bright light up ahead.A bright light in a tunnel is a cliche for death. Avoid cliches at all costs. It was golden and brilliant. I expected to feel warmth and love from it, but all I could feel was pure awe. It was so big, so powerful, and so, just plain bright. It was like looking at the sun, and I was rushing towards it so fast, it was filling my vision.
I was in it. The light engulfed me. Surrounded me, seemed to shine through me. I was flying upwards through radiance like a swimmer surfacing. Then the feeling of motion faded, the light was getting less bright. Or maybe my eyes were adapting to it. Shapes solidified around me. I was in a meadow. The grass was fantastic. Not just green but a glowing ultra green, as if lit up from inside. The sky was the same kind of impossible blue. I was wearing a thin white robe that billowed around me. The bright colors made it seem like a dream.
"So this is what happens when you die." I looked around expecting to see someone to greet me. I was hoping it might be my older sister, who died at 19 years of age, by a drunk driver. I would love to see her again. But no one came. The landscape was beautiful, peaceful, unearthly, and completely deserted. I felt anxiety twisting again inside me.
"What if this place wasn't, the good place?"
I started pacing worriedly use adverbs sparingly, thinking about how I was never raised in a church and thus had never been baptized...
After all, I hadn't been particularly good in my life. What if this was actually hell? To be alone in a deserted meadow for eternity, would be hell. What if I was left here alone forever?
"Oh God, let me think of good thoughts, please."
A few feet away from me, above the grass was a sort of mist of light. It hadn't been there a moment ago. But now it seemed to get brighter as I watched, and to stretch from very far away. And there was a shape in it. Coming towards me.
At first, it looked like a speck, then like an insect in a light bulb, then like a kite. I watched, too frightened to run until it got close enough for me to realize what it was. It was a person. The figure seemed to shine as if made of the same light as the mists. It was tall and had the shape of a perfectly formed human. It was walking but somehow rushing toward me at the same time.
"An angel?" I wondered awed.
And then the mist cleared and the shining faded, the figure was standing on the grass in front of me. I blinked, not an angel. A man in a black coat. He looked to be about 30. He was tall, but that's not what I noticed. I couldn't look away from his eyes. They were black. Not just the iris, but the entirety of the eyes were engulfed in darkness.
The darkness of his eyes seemed to go on and on, the depths were endless. He had a face like a classic Greek sculpture. His hair was long for a man, but slicked back smoothly. He had on a black v-neck under his long black coat and jeans that looked oddly normal. He was well built without being over muscled. His expression uplifted. The smile mixed with those black eyes made me shudder.
After about a minute of silence, he took a deep breath in and spoke.
"It's been awhile since I've been this close."
"This close?" I asked rigidly.
"To heaven. This isn't heaven here of course. This is just limbo, but still, it's closer than I've been in a while. Usually, I don't need to go this far to get someone, but you faded fast."
I looked at him, not knowing what to think. "Why are you here?"
"I've come to help you" He smiled with what would have been a warm smile if it wasn't for those eyes.
"Help me?"
"You're supposed to move on from the world you know." That was when I began to notice the door. It was right behind the guy approximately where the mist had been. It was a door, but it wasn't. It was like the luminous outline of a door drawn faintly on thin air.
Fear crept back into my mind. Somehow I knew the door was important and that the door meant I would leave my father alone and never get to see what I could have made out of my life. What job I would have, a wife, kids. That door meant the end of everything and I wanted to run as far as I could away from it.
Whatever was behind that door was a different place. A world that I didn't know. Whatever was behind that door, had different laws, different rules of reality. It was so compelling and different that is was terrifying. The world behind that door was scary, life was scary too, but at least it was the world I could understand and fathom.
I thought, "I go through that door, and I don't come back." I was so frightened; I felt dizzy and sick.
"The thing is, it wasn't actually your time." The man with black eyes said quietly.
"But here you are. A mistake, but one we have to deal with."
"Can't you just send me back?!" I blurted out, stumbling back a few steps.
The corners of the man's lips went up slightly "I'm sorry, but your soul is already sealed to go through those doors. It's on the list." He materialized a clipboard out of thin air and tapped about half way down the page with his pen.
"You're right here." He turned the clipboard over, and I could see my name written in a slot in what looked like my hand writing. My eyes bulged with fear when I looked back up at the door and the loss it represented.
"Isn't there anything I can do?! Please, I can't leave. I'm only 17! I've never even kissed a girl, and I know I'll never get a chance in heaven!"
The man looked as though he was considering. I gazed at him, looking hopeful and waited.
"As I've said, your soul is on the list."
I looked down in defeat, thinking of my dad and what it will do to him when he finds out I'm gone. I was all he had ever since mom left us.
"However, just because your soul must go through the door, doesn't mean you have to."
I looked up instantly. "What are you talking about?" I asked hesitantly, not quite understanding.
"I'm not supposed to, but I could trick the system a bit. I could take a your soul, and you could go back."This is a good turn in the plot.
I looked up at the man with the black eyes full of curiosity and hope.
"However, I couldn't just take it right away, that could damage the precious soul. I'll have to take it gradually, over time. I would just take one-sixth of your soul for now; it's a small piece. I can send that through the door and take the other five pieces one by one later." He stared down at me reassuringly.
The man held his index finger against his chin. "Although, you'll need something in your soul's place to adapt you to the eventual total absence of having one."
"What can go in place of a soul?" I mumbled softly.
"A lilitu'sWhat is this? soul would protect you and make necessary adjustments to your body. I have one, but they are exceedingly rare, for me to give it to you, we'll have to make a deal."
"What sort of deal? I don't have anything."
He smiled "Dear boy; I wouldn't take anything from you. You've been through enough as it is. Let's just say; I may call on you for a favor or two sometime in the future.
"That'd be okay. So I can go back home?" I sounded uncertain even to my ears.
He tilted his head slightly "You might want to think your life over at this point."
I blinked, took a few steps away from him and stared across the supernaturally green grass. I tried to think about my life. If I had been asked this morning if I wanted to stay alive, it would have been no question, but now it felt a little scary either way. I couldn't tell if, seeing how I've come this far if I really wanted to go back. I had my father and hopes of the future, but is that enough to go back for? It's not as if I was anybody special there. Not athletic like Josh, or smart like my sister was, not brave, not talented.
Well, what else is there? What would I be going back to experience? My dad was drinking every day. So, he was asleep by the time I got home. I knew I would be facing loneliness because it was constant. I would continue to experience the longing for things I could never have. One of these was Jennifer, with her quizzical smile. Others were popularity, and love, and acceptance. I really wished I could have people think I was interesting and mature."
"Come on; there's got to be something good back there, right?" I thought to myself.
"Pizza, Raman noodles?" The man nudged.
I turned toward him. "Huh?"
"You like those. Especially on a cold day when you come inside. Dogs, roller blading, cinnamon toast with lots of butter, like your mom used to make when she was around and still got up in the morning. Evil monster movies."
I choked. I had never told anyone about most of those things.
"How did you know all that?"
He smiled. "We see a lot."
Then he sobered. "And don't you want to see more? Of life I mean. Isn't there anything left for you to do?"
Everything was left for me to do. I had never accomplished anything worth anything.
"But I didn't have much time." A small wispy voice inside me protested.
"I had time. I just wasted it." I said to myself again.
"Then don't you think you should go back and try again? The man stated in a gentle prodding voice.
"See if you can do a better job."
"Yes." All at once my body was filled with a burning, warm feeling. I felt revelation and purpose. I could do this. I could change completely. Turn my life in a whole new direction. Besides, there was my dad to consider. No matter how bad things have been, I couldn't abandon him as my mom did. He would get so much worse if his son suddenly died. He would blame himself. I suddenly had the feeling the man in black was listening to my thoughts. I tried to quell the feeling. I did have a new perspective on life. I knew now that the worst thing you could do was waste it.
I looked at the man. "I want to go back."
He nodded and gave that unnerving smile again. "I thought you would."
His voice was so smooth now like butter, there was a quality in it like, infinite understanding, like he was talking to one of his own children.
He held out the clipboard with the pen resting on it.
"This is for our arrangement. Your soul, for a Lilitu one and your services upon my request. You can just go ahead and sign at the bottom."
I took the clipboard. The writing on it wasn't English, but as I looked at it more closely, it appeared to be Latin. My hand shook as I signed my name in dark red ink on the line.
***********************************************************Possible start of chapter two.
I had several odd impressions all at once.
The first was of being. unfixed. Detached from my surroundings. A falling feeling.
The second was of something coming at me.
It was coming very fast from some direction I couldn't point. A place that wasn't defined by up or down or left or right. And it felt massive and winged, the way a hawk's shadow must feel to a mouse.
I had a wild impulse to duck.
But it wasn't necessary. I was moving, falling away. Rushing backward through the tunnel, leaving the meadow-and whatever was coming at me-behind. The huge thing had only registered for an instant on my senses, and now, whizzing back through the darkness, I forgot about it.
Later, I would realize what a mistake this had been.
For now, time seemed compressed. I was alone in the tunnel, being pulled down like water down a drain. I tried to look at my feet to see where I was going and saw something like a deep well beneath me.
At the bottom of the well was a circle of light, like the view backward through a telescope. And in the circle, very tiny, was a boy's body lying on the grass.
"My body," I thought and then before I had time to feel any emotion, the bottom of the well was rushing up toward me. The tiny body was bigger and bigger. I felt a tugging pressure. I was being sucked into it-too fast.
Way too fast. I had no control. I fit perfectly in the body, like a hand slipping into a mitten, but with a jolt, my vision went black.
Oooh. Something hurts.
I opened my eyes-or tried to. It was as hard as doing a pull-up. On the second or third attempt, I managed to get them open a crack. Whiteness scattered about. Dazzling. Blinding. Where . . . ? Is it snow? What am I doing lying down in the snow? Images came to me. Josh. The back of my head. Being beaten. Being so cold . . .
After that. I couldn't remember. But now I knew what hurt. Everything. I can't move.
My muscles were clenched tight as steel. But I knew I couldn't stay here. If I did, I'd.
Memory burst through me. I died already.
Strangely, the realization gave me strength. I actually managed to sit up. As I did, I heard a cracking sound. My clothes were glazed with solid ice.
Somehow I got to my feet. I shouldn't have been able to do it. My body had been beaten and broken.
But I was standing. I could even shuffle a step forward.
Only to realize I had no idea which way to go.
I didn't know what road this was.
Worse, it was dark. I could barely see my tracks.
"So, you're my new master huh? You seem kinda weak for an demon."
The voice was behind my left ear. I turned that way as sharply as my rigid muscles would allow, even though I knew I wouldn't see anything.
I didn't recognize the young girl's voice.
"Hello?" My voice seemed unfamiliar. Smooth, like honey. With an unmistakable fear and confusion to it.
"Is someone there?" I waited unmoving. My ears not expecting a response. But then it came. Not in my ears, but in my head.
"How'd you get my soul anyway? It's not something the boss just hands out to anyone. He usually likes to keep me close."
At the sound of the young girl's voice inside my head, I jumped and made it about four running steps before face planting in the snow; banging my head on a branch on my way down.
"Woah now, relax! And please watch your step, that hurt. Now that I was forced share my soul with you, we're also sharing this feeble body and the stupid pain. I'll have to make some improvements..."
I laid there, face in the snow, unmoving. The echoing of the girl's voice in my head was too much. I felt lost for words and couldn't speak.
"A girl is talking in my head," I repeated in my mind panicking.
"Obviously," she scoffed.
The voice ringing again in my mind again made me jump up, ignoring my painful bodies refusals.
"Please stop talking," I said out loud to the voice.
Cold, scared, and in pain, I peered around hoping to spot something familiar. I recognized nothing. It seemed to be getting even colder, and my body racked with shivers.
I felt dizzy and fatigued. I contemplated laying back down in the soft snow.
"You see that light post shining from behind that tree? Walk to it."
Her voice was commanding and serious.
Not caring anymore about the weirdness of the voice, I obeyed numbly.
After that came a long time of stumbling and staggering, over branches, around trees, on and on. It seemed to last forever, but always there was the voice in my head guiding me, encouraging me. It kept me moving when I thought I couldn't possibly go another step.
And then, at last, the voice said, "Just up this hill and you'll find the main road."
In a dreamlike state, I climbed the hill.
And there it was. The road. By the light of the lamp post, I could see it meandering down a hill.
But it was still almost a mile to my house, and I couldn't go any further.
"You don't have to," the voice said gently. "Look up the road."
I saw headlights.
"Now just get in the middle of the road and wave."
I stumbled out and waved like a mechanical doll. The headlights were coming, blinding me. Then I realized that they were slowing.
"We did it. You saved me" I gasped, dimly aware that I was speaking out loud. "They're stopping."
"Of course they're stopping. You did a great job. You'll be all right now."
There was no mistaking the note of finality.
The car stopped now. The driver's side door was opening. I could see a dark figure beyond the glare of the headlights. But in that instant what I felt was distress. Distress at being alone in my thoughts.
"Wait, don't leave me. I don't even know who you are-"
"Just call me Ari."
Then the voice was gone, and all I could feel was anguish.
"What are you doing out-Hey, are you okay?" The new voice broke through my emptiness. I had been standing rigidly in the headlights; now I blinked and tried to focus on the figure coming toward me.
"God, of course, you're not okay. Look at you."
It was Stella.
The knowledge surged through me like a shock, and it drove all the strange hallucinations I'd been having out of my mind.
It was Stella, as close as she'd ever been to me.
Dark hair. A slim face that still had traces of a summer tan. Cheekbones to die for and eyes to drown in.
A certain confidence and a half-friendly, half-quizzical smile...
Except that she wasn't smiling now. She looked shocked and worried.
I couldn't get a single word out. I just stared at her.
"What hap-No, never mind. We've got to get you warm and then to a hospital."
At school she was thought of as an independent rebel, only ever talking to her best friend, Conner. But, now, without any hesitation, the girl wrapped her arms around me.
Confusion flashed through Me, then embarrassment-but underneath it all was something much stronger. An odd bedrock sense of safety. Stella was warm and stable, and I knew instinctively that I could trust her. I could stop fighting now and relax.
"Put this on ... watch your head. Here, use this for your face." Stella was somehow getting everything done at once without hurrying. Capable and kind. I found myself inside the car, wrapped in a too small jacket, with an old towel around my shoulders. Heat blasted from the vents as Stella gunned the engine.
It was wonderful to be able to rest without being afraid it would kill me. Bliss not to be surrounded by cold, even if the hot air didn't seem to warm me. The worn beige interior of the Civic looked like paradise.
I was beginning to feel very fuzzy.
"I thought I'd fight a bear," I said, between chattering teeth. I was shivering again.
"What?"
"You asked what happened. I was bored, so I fought a bear."
She laughed out loud. "Huh. You're brave." Then she glanced at me sideways with keen eyes and added,
"What actually happened?"
She thinks I'm brave! A glow better than the heated air enveloped me.
"Josh Walker and his goons." This time there was a lot less humor in my voice.
"Wow. I've heard he had a history of violence, but this is insane. You should go to the police after I take you to the hospital."
"No hospital! Just take me home please."
She looked at me conflicted, "are you sure? You're covered in blood and frozen half to death."
"I'm sure. I just want to go to bed."
Speaking hesitantly she said, "if you're sure... Where do you live? I guess you're new to town?"
I stared at her confused and surprised. Sure we've never spoken, but we've shared classes since middle school.
"Just make a left down this street please."
"You look like you almost died" She looked back at the road, turning the car onto my street. "That happened to me once. When I was little, I had to have this operation."
She broke off as the Civic skidded on some ice. In a moment she was in control again and turning into my driveway.
Stella parked and was out of the car before I could gather myself to speak.
Then she was opening my door, reaching for me.
I peered up at her through a gap in her curtain of hair. Her eyes were green and typically looked, intimidating, but just now, as their gazes met, they changed. They looked startled and wondered. As if she saw something in my eyes that surprised her and struck a chord.
I felt a flutter of wonder myself. "I don't think she's intimidating," I thought, as something like a spark seemed to flash between us. She's not so different from me; Both she and I were wracked by a sudden bout of shivers.
Stella blinked and shook her head. "We've got to get you inside," she muttered.
And then, still shivering, she helped me up and walked me to the door.
"Here's my number. If you need anything, even a ride to school, text me."
"Thanks," I said numbly still holding the small receipt with her number written on it in my hand.
"I'll see you around," She said backing up with a half quizzical smile on her face.
"Ye-yeah, thanks again."
I hurried into my bedroom before my dad, who was drinking a beer on the couch, could ask any questions.
I fell on my bed and gathered an armful of the pillow. It was soft and friendly and filled my arm. I curled myself around it and bit down on plush.
And now, at last, I could cry. All the hurts of my mind and body merged, and I sobbed out loud, wet cheek on the pillow case.
I wished I'd never come back. I wanted the bright meadow with the impossibly green grass, even if it had been a dream. I wanted everyone to be sorry because I was dead.
All my realizations about life being important
were nonsense. Life was a giant hoax. I couldn't change myself and live in an entirely new direction. There was no new start. No hope.
"And I don't care," I thought. "I just want to die. Why did I get made if it was just for this?" There's got to be someplace I belong, something I'm meant to do that's different. Because I don't fit in this world, in this life. And if there isn't something more, I'd rather be dead. I want to dream something else.
I cried until I was numb and exhausted.
"Goodnight." A voice like sweet honey said in my head.
"Ari?" I thought back and fell into a deadly still sleep without knowing it. |
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