A review for this poem on the public reviews page led me here, and I'm glad it did.
You've approached this subject matter with compassion and respect, two highly important things to have in such a discussion. You've also displayed your understanding of just how varied the gender spectrum can be quite admirably, all of which rings through strongly in your words.
On a more technical note, your structure and rhyming scheme seem solid, adding to the flow rather than detracting from it.
The only tiny niggle I have is that you don't specifically say what this poem is about until stanza four. I'm unsure if this is a deliberate choice, and truth be told I don't think this is a bad thing as such. For people familiar with the subject matter, it is immediately obvious what you're talking about, but I'm not sure it would be so for those not so familiar with the subject.
These are only my opinions, and I hope something helped.
S.
I found this in the 'Read a Newbie' section. I like the subject choice and I do quite like the idea of dreams knowingly guiding inspiration.
One thing I would like to point out is that the rhyming scheme is highly inconsistent, which is a distraction from the narrative. I would suggest either creating a consistent rhyming scheme or doing away with it completely.
I particularly enjoyed the closing lines.
These are only my personal opinions. I hope something here helped.
S.
I found this using the 'Read & Review' tool. The subject you have chosen is a broad one, and there is a lot of potential in this poem. However, there are a few stumbling blocks which could perhaps be removed.
There are a few places where it seems words have been missed out, such as the third line of the first stanza:
"I'll rescue you before too late"
'it's' or 'it is' before the 'too late' would make for a smoother narrative flow. I would suggest something similar for the line:
"Hand me the glass I can down"
Perhaps a slight restructuring might make this a little easier to read.
There is also an overuse of ellipses at the end of lines in place of other punctuation, or even where no punctuation at all is needed.
The language choice and overall tone match up well, creating a sombre, wistful tone that brings things together quite well.
These are only my personal opinions. I hope something here helped.
S.
Interesting subject choice, and I like the comparison of the world and of life to a stage-play.
A couple of comments. First, in the second line of the second stanza, you write "...until the final stories told..." In this case, 'stories' should be 'story's', although I feel perhaps 'story is' would fit in here a little better than the pluralised version.
In that same verse, in the final line the 'is' should be 'are'.
I particularly enjoyed the last stanza and I feel the piece as a whole has a lot of potential.
These are only my personal opinions, I hope something in here helped.
S.
First and foremost, congratulations on your thirty years, and may you enjoy many more together.
I got a distinct sense of liveliness reading through your poem, almost as though there was a beat behind it. Your language choice goes hand in hand with the rhyming scheme, which could be why I find this almost lyrical in nature.
Despite the above, I did have to go back and reread a number of lines as the missed words threw me, but eventually I did realise you'd done this intentionally to create a smoother narrative flow.
All in all, I found this to be an enjoyable poem to read through.
S.
I like the narrative that you have here, the simple reminder that if one dares to take the first difficult steps then they can grow something wonderful.
The flow is a little uneven, the first line seems a little awkwardly worded. Perhaps substituting "...but all seem not to remember..." with "...but none seem to remember..." or something similar would smooth that out a little more. There is also an instance later on, the line "If he dares out" feels like it is missing a word. Does he step out? Venture out? Journey out? Or even something as simple as adding 'go' might make this read a little easier.
One minor type in line four 'ment' typed instead of 'meant'. Other than that I can see no grammatical issues, and the structure works well with your free form style.
I quite liked this, I feel it has a lot of potential, especially for something you say was written in only fifteen minutes.
These are only my personal opinions, hopefully something in here helped.
S.
I found this with the 'Read & Review' tool. It's an interesting short poem and you've managed to pack in a fairly concise message. Everything ends, this is true, but the comparison to a wave paints this in a more urgent light. The message I get from this is that a person must chase their goals and seize hold as fast as they can, for they cannot know when their end (figuratively or literally) will come.
There is only one tiny thing I'd nitpick at.
"...that hot sands and calm beach
means the end..."
This is only break in the flow for me, with the wording not quite sitting right. My suggestion would be either place an 'a' to create "...a calm beach..." or to pluralise beaches and have 'means' read 'mean'. Of course this only my interpretation of it.
Overall, I enjoyed this and I liked the comparative imagery it evoked.
S.
The skies above us and the universe beyond truly are both magnificent things, and you've captured our collectively human expression of awe very well with your poetry. I did particularly like the little fact-drop in the third verse.
There are only two tiny things I'd like to comment on. One is the use of "it's" in both the first and the last lines. In these instances, both should be "its". The other is tinier still. In the last line of the fourth verse the flow stumbles a little with 'science' as they rhyme seems almost forced. It does fit, just not quite as comfortably as everything else.
You’ve got some good imagery going on with your poem and the rhyming structure was well set out. I did enjoy the unexpected break from the structure towards the end as well, the two lines stand out and add emphasis.
There are a couple of little grammatical niggles, but nothing too serious. You have two incidents of “your” instead of “you’re”, the first in verse two, line three, and the second in verse three, line one. Also, in the line ending "...rains bending bow." there should be an apostrophe before the s of rains. And if I’ve interpreted the line ending “...lines of colors ignition.” correctly, there should also be an apostrophe after the s of colours.
Overall I quite liked it, it’s short and snappy, and it has potential to grow should you wish.
Hopefully some of this helped,
S.
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